What have I done I wonder why
I'm gentle soft and very shy
I was not the man I am today
But anger hatred has come to stay

I'm really fun and so kind at heart
But others ripped my heart apart
I learnt to fend and fight alone
My body ackes my heart does grown

When I was a little lad
I was happy carefree and never sad
I did the things that small boys do
How I'd turnout no one new

As my toddler years went by
I realised my life was but a lie
Violence, anger, abuse and pain
Would make me hang my head in shame

The happy life I knew before
Had suddenly gone out our back door
Our happy home had disappeared
It looked like evil it's ugly head had reared

Been a kid so young at heart
Like every other kid does start
Had to learnt to grow up fast
And try to run far from my past

But as my teen year went on by
I became more withdrawn and shy
I made wrong choices did wrong things
One night stand and many flings

Drugs, ***** and deep dark things to
Took me to a place so cold and blue
Relationship that never last
Oh if I could just return to my past

As I aged and became much older
Tried to be strong and much bolder
But the past that hunted me
Wouldn't go away you see

I know deep down in side my heart
Everything of me was ripped apart
I'm but an empty shell inside
At least it is my place to hide

Ive pulled so far within myself
All's affected even my health
Im falling deeper into a blacken hole
Ive lost myself and I'm loosing my soul

The ones that are my near and dear
They can not see and do not hear
How could they ever understand
Not even I this was never planed

I can't show love and gentleness
Will my life ever change and be a bliss
I mask my breaking heart inside
Behind smiles and laughter I do hide

I sit alone so many nights
Thinking back on all the fights
I've become my dad you see
The one that totally destroyed me

How do I get my self untangled
When my mind is a mess and mangled
I blame the world for who I've become
At time I wish it was said and done

I lost the ones I loved so dear
Because I caused them constant fear
I never planed to be this man
I should of taken a firmer stand

Face my demons and my past
Then mabye I'd be free at last
But I cant I don't know why
Maybe I'm scared so I live a lie

What I want and what I need
I leave to others and there selfish greed
I never make my own decision
And I have fall into total depression

The ones that think there doing good
If they only really understood
What I yearn for deep inside
My needs my wants my silent cries

I'm at a place so far away
On this earth I don't want to stay
I've given up but still holding on
But the gentle me and selfworth is gone

So in my mind Ill retreat again
Blame the world for all my shame
Tell myself it's not my fault
It's just so hard and difficult

Maybe one day all will change
I know this all sounds very strange
But maybe tomorrow all will be well
And I'll at last come out my shell

Today there are no certainties
From the day my mom gave birth to me
As a child so young and free
I never knew what life held for me

As the days turn into years
My innocents turned into fears
I found that life was full of pain
And hurt and suffering all the same

I tried and tried to find my way
But misery was there to stay
The things of love and happiness
My dad told me would be a bliss

But years have slowly passed me buy
And the things I’ve lost just makes me cry
I think of all the lonely nights
And all the ugly violent fights

The many nights I cried in pain
For tomorrow it would be the same
The screaming shouting, ugly words
You’ll never know how much it hurts

The day we meet
I’ll never forget
Your gentle words and loving ways
How I pray there where there to stay

To calm my fears
And wipe my tears
To show me love
For all the years

But sadly as the months went by
I realized it’s all a lie
The happy home and tenderness
The sweet caress and gentleness

I sit and wonder what went wrong
It hasn't been that very long
Since the day I said good bye
And realized it was all a lie

How can someone so sweet and dear
Cause me so much pain and fear
You call and say you love me so
Do you really? I want to know

My heart was broken long ago
Can you remember you should know?
I turned around and left that day
And told myself it’s all okay

Three month later who should call
It was you in pieces, I took the fall
You were so down and miserable
And said you loved me most of all

Because I gave my heart to you
And it was a love so dear and true
So once again I took you back
Cause strength and pride I sure did lack

It wasn't long until again
Fighting, screaming lots of pain
Now it’s many years gone bye
And once again i say goodbye

But still you call me all the time
And say you love me more each time
How did it go so very wrong?
How did we miss it all along?

Why could we not find piece my dear?
Why did you listen but never hear?
But sadly now I have to say
I cannot take another day

Of broken dreams and a broken heart
And lonely nights we sleep apart
As I sit here thinking back
It was my dignity that I lacked

I love you to
If you only knew
But now it’s over I have to say
But you’ll go on and be okay

When I was small, carefree and young
I would laugh, giggle and have so much fun
Who would of known or ever could see
What I would go through what I would be

The roads I would travel the things I'd go through
I had love and friendship that never seemed true
Break ups and make ups, good times and bad
I lived through the fights and the memories I had

I believed in that prince on a white shinny horse
Will he still come and sweep me up of course
I'm still so young and many years are ahead
But at times I feel alone and in side so dead

I have worries and dreads and flights of fears
Its my demons and emotions that I mostly fear
The nights bring no comfort the day no peace
I wish this battle I face would just ceace

I can't explain and I don't know why
Sometimes I break and all I want is to die
I try to reach out and speak from my heart
But then the pain and emotions restart

You'll never know or understand if you tried
The mental agony and pain that inside I hide
Now I'll be fine and all seems so well
Then in an instant I pull into my shell

I know you worry I know you wonder
How can you calm my raging thunder
You cant help me you can't heal me
Cause I cant explain, I so wish to be free

It comes from within and it blows in an instant
Then from the world I keep my distance
It's emotions and worries and panic attracts
When you think it is over it's suddenly back

Where do I turn to where can I run
I wish to be happy carefree and fun
It raises in an instant and stays for so long
Then there goes my quietness like distant song

People try help and give there advise
They tell me to stand up, they tell me to raise
They say I'm stronger than what I believe
I must try harder and to advise give heed

I have tried this and that so many times
But it doesn't help cause it's more than my mind
Its deep in my soul my gut and my heart
If only I could figure out from where is all starts

How to control it so that it won't last
Maybe it's hidden deep in my past
I've dug and I've dug and pondered on things
All that it does is another one brings

It doesn't help me when you stare at me
You think I don't know but I always see
The whispers and giggles and ugly remarks
Don't be back stabbing take of your masks

It's a constant battle to keep it together
I'm even effected by the change of weather
But I keep on going and pray to keep standing
And always on my two feet to be landing

So next time you see me distressed and ranting
Tears in my eyes and heavily panting
Try to be loving, understanding and gentle
It hurts me more when you are judgement

I know that you battle at times understand me
Do you stay away or reach out and hold me
I wish I could change and be more stable
Believe me I would of if only I was able

Why do I feel like this what did I do
Is it me ...my past ....or is it you
You'll never understand stand me
How could you.. you don't see

I'll never be relaxed, calm or carefree
because fears and confusion surround me
I'm ok for a while
and I put on a smile

But my worries and stress
Makes me feel worthless and less
How can I explain
Im so tiered and drained

How can I refrain
How can I feel plain
I fight mental battles
And I'm tided down in shackels

From thoughts in my mind
That my peace always finds
It haunts me and taunts me
And my past always finds me

I can't sit still and I battle to breathe
Calm, quiet, peace that's all that I need
My mind won't stop screaming
My tears just keep steaming

I live in my head
While in my heart I'm dead
My soul is in shatters
And my life is a tatters

Thank you God for blessings
And your loving tender care
For everything you give me
And your love with me you share

Thank you for the hardship
And the suffering I endure
The trials and tribulation
You'll pull me through for sure

No matter what tomorrow holds
Good or bad or sad
I know that you will be there
Like a true and loving dad

Through my fears and darkest times
Through suffering and through pain
You wipe away my every tear
You take away my shame

My tears before where very tough
With many ups and downs
But at my weakest moments
You took away my frown

You always walked beside me
No matter where I went
And when I wondered and got lost
Your Holy Spirit you sent

Your love for me is endless
With good plans for me I'm sure
You have it all worked out my Lord
It's love it's kind its pure


I am so very weak you know
And you so very strong
And yet you take the time and care
To forgive me for my wrong

You polish me and neaten me
And cleanse me from within
You make me bright and shiny
And wash me from my sin

I could never find a friend like you
Someone so dear and loving
That to the cross did go for me
And freed me from my sinning

I love you Lord and Saviour
My father and my friend
My Gracious God Almighty
My king until the end

Hey you, yes you the ***** in the red Jetta
Rather get a cab walk run it will be betta
What are you doing are you totally insane
Driving behind you is an endless pain

I cant over take you cause you cant decide
Can't go around you and no where to hide
Should you pull left or stay to the right
Holding my anger is becoming a fight

Just stay calm while my searing I bite
Like other ding bats he has the right
To buy a licence to drive a car
Like so many drivers he makes me naar

Now here comes a robot and look it is red
I watch in horror are you gonna stop dead
What are you doing look infront I yell
You nut case you idiot myself I do tell

Not throwing a fit is taking all my resistance
It takes my fast thinking to keep my distance
He breaks and he swerve and sways to the right
I say a quick pray as I gasp with fright

Head on into traffic thats coming his way
This way and that he swerves and sways
Oh wait a minute he dodge the Van
And the kids on the pavement left and right ran

Just missed the buss and a bush and a tree
Whippy I'm luck his back infront of me
Screeching and screaming and coming to a halt
He looks and he smiles like nothing's his fault

Others around him look on in dismay
As I think you idiot, you made it hooray
And away we go were on our way
I think should I drive or should I stay

Not even a second a metre a head
He comes to a halt and stops dead
Looking around like his lost or confused
Now I am irritated I'm not amused

What is he looking for what indeed
I scream to my self, with my self I plead
Oh it's a phone call its become so intense
We are all waiting move along no offence

If I should get out and my lid I should blow
I want you to listen I want you to know
I'll loose my insanity I'll rip of your door
I'll beat you black and blue and extensively sore

Oh thank crap the ****** bags on his way
This is starting out as a horrific day
He just keeps chatting and babbling along
Why can't he see what his doing is wrong

The guy in the Audi is ranting and raging
The guy in the Opel is totally fuming
The little old lady just looks on with confusion
This guy is living in a mental dilution

I look on intensely what could be next
I try to keep calm and put my nerves to rest
Wait a second what did he see
Ah come on man not again I plea

The chop just woke up and realised
He should of been on the other side
That was the street that he needed to take
Oh please help me for pity's sake

The little old lady on his left saw it to
She looks frightened and turns pail blue
I just look on and I think to myself
This cant be good for her mind and health

On goes the hazards and he darts to the left
The ******* around me are making me deaf
The guy in the Audi has lost his cool
He thew a spanner or some other tool

The guy in the Jetta drives happily along
Sing away to some lively song
He seems oblivious with out any care
That the little old lady is pulling out her hair

She looks like she had a seize of sort
Shaking and screaming like bull she snorts
The guy in the Audi is 5 shades of red
But the guy in the Jetta keeps moving a head

Out of the blue who knows from where
His moving along with no worry or care
Appears a stop sign in front of his car
He hits the breaks and skids on the tar

The little old lady pink buggy and all
Rolls up tightly into a little ball
How she missed him I'll never know
She quietly sits there with an evil glow

To my dismay she opens her door
And falls to her knees just there on the floor
The guy in the Jetta gives a big smile
As the little old lady falls down in a pile

She's kicking and screaming and going insane
She's up in an instant and out with her cane
She fly's at the guy sitting as stiff as can be
Eyes bulging widly this **** you should see

He lets out a scream like a ***** been attacked
And jumps on his pedal and doesn't look back
His over the stop street and round the next bend
I just pray I'll never see him agen

I look at the lady who looks back at me
Oh what a pittyfull site did I see
She was a mess and her hair was a tangled
Eyes where a flamed and her dress was mangled

She put on a smile and she straightened her hair
Brushed of her dresses and did it with flare
She turn on her heel as she head for her car
This was one of my worst days by far

He sees right through me to who I am
Yet He loves me with all my faults as I am
He cries for me when I sit quietly alone
As I sob for broken hearts and a faraway home

When things aint worked out quiet as planned
He sent Jesus my saviour and my Lord the Lamb
To fix up my mess ups and plans that’s gone bad
He lifts up my spirit and blesses me when I’m sad

He feels my frustration and takes me by the hand
And shows me tomorrow won’t be so gloomy and bland
When all has gone wrong and all else fails
I know my Lord is mighty and above all He hails

If I stand back and let him take lead of my life
All will be over from worry to strife
When I rejoice and jump with glee
I know my Lord is smiling with me

At the darkest moment of my life
My Lord my God was by my side
He strengthened me and held me tight
And lifted me high with all his might

In times of pain and suffering
God’s love and mercy was undying
He feels my pains and agonies
And carries them along with me

Because my Saviours time is Right
I’ll keep on going with all my might
With Jesus in me I have the fight
To make it through each and every night

The road I've travelled thus up to now
I've made it through only Jesus knows how
It’s been a journey of endless fights
But Jesus raised me to new levels and heights

All though the laughter I've had lots
Sometimes happiness came at a cost
My pride and dignity I sometimes lost
But I clung to Jesus for all it cost

I sit right now and wonder how
I’ll make it through another hour
As I lay here full of fear
My operations very near

I pray to Jesus to comfort me
He whispers softly you will see
That through it all and from now on
All your pain and suffering is gone

From here on out and ever more
My loving healing on you ill pour
I’ll stay with you and keep you strong
I do not care however long

Until that day you know will come
And you will have to leave your home
But fear not dear
For ill be near

Right next to you
To take you through
From this here place of misery
To what you know is your destiny

Your home up yonder where I do dwell
To be with loved ones and have peace as well
Where all your hurt and worries fade
It’s a perfect home for you I made

What is anxiety it makes me cry
I'm very withdrawn and so very shy
I keep to myself and I pull away
Far from all people that want me to stay

I don't know why I don't know how
I thought I'd understand long before now
It hides way down deep with in my soul
And in the depth of my heart it burns a hole

It's something that no one can understand
Because we are liabeled we are always band
We not like you we all stand alone
We never choose it how could we of known

There was a time that all seemed ok
But in an instant it was taken away
Then we were faced with a life of hell
And only find comfort inside our shell

We are different not quiet like you
But the sad reality is if you only knew
We are the same just so loving and caring
But something inside is frightening and flaring

It's a horrid mixture of emotions and fears
And we are tossed around in a violent oceans
Of panic and stress and deep down depression
With endless hours of endless sessions

We are stuck on an endless roller coaster ride
With demons and dragons deep down inside
Its ups and downs and mental torture
My mind and emotions is my books author

The anger and agony I keep deep inside
It always comes out I wish I could hide
Away from the world the ones I love most
The ones I love dearly the ones I need close

I live in a world of unimaginable horror
Please make it stop make it go till tomorrow
My emotions keep swirling my mind is a mess
I battle to breathe I have tightness of chest

I clinchs and I murmur I stumbled and stutter
I hurt and I scream and I cry and I mutter
I walk to and frow and I groan and I cry
Oh please someone just help me know why

It comes in an instant just out of no where
My emotions of anger once more does flare
I feel like I boarder on mental insanity
Even my hands are wet and clammy

My head is a whirlpool of fear and frustration
It hurts and it screams am I in damnation
Why can't it stop or subside for a while
Am I been punished it's so evil and vile

What have I done what did I do
Why can't I be normal just like you
Where is my peace and quiet I once had
What went wrong that it ended up so bad

There's no one to turn to there's no safe place
No where to run so the house I'll just pace
I sit and I rock and I cry and I'm steaming
The voice of reason gives me no meaning

That little voice that should guide right
Like all my energy again took flight
Now I'm just left with the voices of evil
It's like my body belongs to the devil

So again I'm hurting I'm ripped apart
Another ones about to start
I close my eyes and try wish it away
But like the rest I know it will stay

Oh Lord help me find away
In my head to be ok
Let my emotions and my fear
From now on please disappear

Let your Spirit always stay by me
Never let my demons find me
Let me have a day of peace
Let my emotions and anger cease

Help me be like all the others
Like my sister and my brother
Let me please have days of laughter
And my night with rest here after

If again I should elapse have a fit or an attack
Please hold my hand Lord bring me back
To calmness and a place of bliss
You know my Lord that this I miss

Bring me to a place of normal reasoning
To happiness and no more screaming
Happy moments gentle kindness
Take away the evil blindness

Help me Lord to make it through
Help me Lord to say near to you
May I stay stead fast and determined
To follow you and not be blinded

Forgive me when I'm at my worse
And have my moments full of out burst
To the ones I hold so near and dear
Because I'm lost and confused with fear

When my mind is running crazy
And I lay crying and I'm so lazy
When I'm like a spoilt child
Throwing tantrums and going wild

Let me feel your arms around me
Let me always pull towards thee
Thank you that you paved the away
So one day by you I'll always stay

Let me never loose my meaning
Even when I'm asleep and dreaming
When I'm in a rage and temper
Help me always your word to remember

When I'm in my place of anger
And to myself could be a danger
Let your presence and your peace
All this evil within me release

I do not understand my anguish
Forgive me for my out burst and language
Help me not to be so cruel and nasty
Full of hatred and so crafty

I don't want to be like this
I just want to keep my wits
Only you can see with in me
Oh Lord Jesus please do help me

I know you see the bigger picture
Your my helper and my fixer
Help me Lord to stand my ground
When the evil one is abound

Give me strength and stamina
To leave it to you Lord my only planner
Give me faith and understanding
When voices in my head are rambling

Give me courage and determination
To face my fears and my delusion
Let me stand fast hold my ground
Till the quiet and peace is found

Lift me up and carry me through
My nights and days of utter blue
Thank you for your life at calvery
Thank you Lord for your life you saved me

You get onto my ugly side
Cause in you no one can confide
You full of stories lies and hate
I leave you to your lonely fate

Your a nasty man you has no shame
You walk around and respect your claim
You don't deserve the love your shown
For you my animosity has grown

You act so stupid and naive
While wicked plans you have up your sleeve
You take the whole wide world for a fool
And make plans of deceit so cruel

You have two faces I've seen both
You old man, I truely loathe
You scheam and plan your under hand
Satan is your biggest fan

Never grateful not even thankful
Yet always demanding and a handful
You for ever always playing cry wolf
You think your plans are all foul proof

You go about your nosey days
Always stead fast in your ways
You take and take and never give
Till one day on your own you'll live

You put on such a perfect front
But we see though you, you old runt
You play the part of a perfect been
But your hands are far from clean

You have no shame in wat you do
You don't care who you hurt or *****
Your a back stabbers a two faced scrooge
Your pockets small you ugliness huge

You prance a round so cunnng and free
While in your eye an evil glee
But time is cruel and the wicked always fall
So while you can keep walking tall

You make your plans in quite places
Thinking that you leave no traces
But things have the strangest ways
Of ******* up your happy days

You decide and want it all your way
You think this game for ever you'll play
When it turns out not wat you want
Then you put on this im so sorry front

You demand and order and manipulate
Lets watch you fall to your nasty fate
It's always your way and wat you want
Your under handed nasty and blunt

I watch how others try so hard
Yet you play the cruelest dirtiest card
You tear down people and make them small
To make your self seem up right and tall

Ive never seen one quiet like you
Connive and manipulate like you do
You don't care who you break to get there
Who's heart you trod on break or tear

Theres always something new with you
You just want and others must always do
You know no thank you or even please
The things you steal you think no one see

Look around you know one cares
So throw a fuss let your anger flare
You keep hurting the ones I love
There pain fits you like a glove

I ain't gonna sit back no more
And watch how you make others sore
Cause two you see can play your game
And trust me I don't feel much shame

You are walking down a lonely street
Cause everyone you have to cheat
You like a bleeder and a drainer
To your love ones you are but a stranger

Shes was so little and small but today bold and tall
She wanted pretty things and go to the mall
She met someone and for him did fall
And my eyes out I did softly ball

Thinking of her as a little child
On bicycle she always used to ride
Shes pretty she's lovely she's my pride
I wish her from the world I could hide

Today she is big and so far away
I wish close to me she could always stay
Never to loose her I always pray
Each and every single day

I love you my baby forever and more
If I ever lost you my heart would be sore
Oh how I wish your pain and hurt I could store
Deep in the ocean or under the shore

The road you have traveled, pain you've been threw
What life would bring you, what you'd go threw
My special angle if I only knew
All of them will get wat is dew

No daughter more special ill ever find
You sweet and you gently and deeply kind
What life has delt you is so unkind
All that I wish is happyness you would find

The choices you make
And the roads that you take
Cant you see is always a mistake
Now your happiness you have to fake

He was not yours to have or to hold
By everyone this you where told
His love and his heart belonged to another
Who for 28 yrs was better other

You came in the picture and marriage fell apart
After the love of thier life from this world did depart
All that they built fell apart from the start
You where to young to hold up your part

Now he has passed on to another place
And his ex wife you must look in the face
Now you must move from your home from your place
She's taking everything even her estate

I can not advise you I can not get through
If you could go back and only knew
You have to move on the time is dew
These relationships fail except for a few

The path that awaits you will be long and hard
But if you play your hand right play the good card
Don't be a fool don't let down your guard
Don't just give away to anyone your heart

I run to fast
I climb to high
Deep with in I want to die

The days are long
The nights are cold
Oh how I wish that I was bold

I want to stay I want to run
I want to hide
Within myself abide

I look to heaven
I look to hell
Where will I go please do tell

Sold my soul long ago
I've been lost
On the waves I'm tossed

My head is pounding running wild
The sounds are deafening
The screams confusing

My world is crumbling
All around me
Do you hear my silent please

Lost and confused
I'm in a daze
Im in an endless mental haze

Torment and anguish
Has taken control
Wish I never sold my soul