how beautiful
and filled with sorrow
as we held each
that last night
of summer
crying, whispering, “i love you”
as we said goodbye
sitting on my chevy
at dairy queen
hoping
to be together
forever
knowing cruelly
we were just
summer lovers
minor characters
in each other's diaries

i’m tired of the false hopes and mirages of love and happy endings
disillusioned and disgusted with the the lies and manipulations
i am numb, have given up, and disassociated
i don’t see any hope and feel helpless in an unbearable situation
how do others do it, haven normal relationships
am i broken or just don’t know how to communicate
with all the therapy, am i still sick, still choosing the damaged ones
i need to stop, take a break, re-evaluate
or accept my fate

the sun burns white in an endless sky
as i forget the silver glow of a faint moon
i no longer hear signs of life
all is quiet
most everything is dead
stars hang reflectionless
in a sea of tears
i struggle to remember
what life was like
when things were normal
when there was hope
that last summer
of two thousand nineteen

there is only so much pain, heartbreak a man can take, before he withdraws and isolates.

incessant frustration, fuels an inner rage, that must be repressed if the self is to survive.

late at night, on the line between wake and sleep, where dreams and reality have no censorship, true desires are revealed, acted out consciously.

From the moment I saw you
I was in love with you.

I watched as you floated around the room, like a butterfly collecting nectar, your eyes sparkled and glittered like thousands of facets off a diamond

As you moved, your hair undulated back and forth as if caught in a gentle ocean current

Your smile was magnificent, powerful, and awe inspiring, like the rising of the sun over a steamy exotic jungle

Across the room, you turned, our eyes met, and I felt a jolt, I had been harpooned through the heart. I could have fallen to my knees

I went from numb, stunned, to being on fire, with love and lust. I wanted you, wanted you so much. I could feel my primal urges and visceral needs rising and overwhelming me

I wanted to protect and provide for you, to build a house and hearth, to keep you safe and warm, a place to have and raise children, together

I wanted to hold you, feel you, in my arms, your head lying on my chest, snuggling, cuddling, purring like a newborn kitten

I wanted to look eternally in your crystal blue eyes, mesmerized at their depth and breath, like a endless desert sky

I wanted to kiss your lips, red, full, and moist like a rose on a French summer morn

You are a bijou, a jewel, like no other, rare, priceless, and precious, a gift to gods and men alike

I am grateful, for our brief, intense, and tumultuous love, like a shooting star across a darkening evening sky

how can i trust and make myself vulnerable
when love is the most dangerous game of all
the suffering inflicted and endured in pursuit of romantic bliss
romeo and juliet were martyrs and a myth
foolishly chasing a fantasy inventing by society
what do you need, what do i need to feel loved and safe
fully knowing the fragility of a romantic relationship  
alone in bed crying craving wishing to be held
wanting so much to surrender to a lover
and feel their hands and lips upon my body

which one was i, the meddlesome moth or the bumbling butterfly
was i instinctively drawn, to an open flame, on a lonely night
or, caught in intricately, meticulously, woven spider’s web
how could i avoid either fate, all men are dumb and succumb, as did i
both end the same, in death, only one is fast, the other slow
how sweet it was, to have kissed her lips, to have been, her lover

happiness
is not the point
to life
but a byproduct
of consciousness

the pursuit of happiness
is a construct
of the disenfranchised
believing they’re entitled
to more meaning
from existence

brief moments of joy
strung together
to form an illusion
of contentment

are merely distractions
from the pain and suffering
of the human condition

the body keeps score
resurrecting at night
re-living early in the morning
when it’s dark and you’re lonely
fragile most vulnerable
waking up crying
remembering replaying
traumas past and present

love is a lie, a fool’s errand, a lost cause of being burned and churned; chewed up and spat out; of hate and bitterness. teenage veterans traumatized by the senseless romantic violence of the endless ****** wars.

of ****** prostituting themselves out to Chads and Tyrones, eating like pigs at an unlimited buffet, using, abusing, and abandoning, when they’ve had their fill.

of simps acting like dancing monkeys entertaining and quenching thirsty Stacies, who string them along, placeholders until a Tyrone pays attention to them.

i’ve lost hope
numb and reeling
living the aftermath
of a foreseen tragedy
remembering
what was important
when there was time
to love
and dream

this fairy tale
called love
is an illusion
a distraction
a respite
from the brutality
of the human condition

this too shall pass
the fear and anxiety
clouding your mind
emptying your heart
isolating your soul
the sun will rise
and all
will be well

over wrought and overwhelmed
by this virus and pandemic

how confusing, to hate what you desire
fighting against nature, realizing the absurdity

i loved you, more than the others
feelings deepening, lives intertwining

i don’t understand, the sudden shift
why it become awkward, was it me

in the beginning, it was harmonious
your aggressiveness, evident, plain to see

i tried harder, but you receded
i felt it, you abandoned me

my hurt turned to anger, i started to dislike you
archetypal millennial girl, quintessential snowflake

love turned to hate, to contempt, finally boiled away
time passed, my heart healed

i become numb, indifferent
stop....,  i’m lying, to myself, to you
i’ll never stop loving you, mon petit minou

a fresh coat of paint
on the walls of a tomb
haunted by ghosts
too young to have died
or old faded and forgotten
who remembers them
who really cares

why do you pretend to be so tough, projecting a hard exterior, when i so clearly see the little girl behind a paper tiger. a little girl who wants to be loved unconditionally, protected fiercely, embraced heartily in her father’s arms, is that what i see in you, a reflection of me, a little boy, afraid, alone, craving intimacy, fearing, distrusting to love and be loved.

take my hand, let me lead, let me be the man, missing from your life, let me be an example, to witness, to rebuild the trust, that has been lost, remove your armor, slowly, piece by piece, let me see the child that you protect so fiercely.

learn to trust, allow yourself to be vulnerable, you have to give to get, trusting another is difficult, you are not to blame, there is no shame, being a child soldier, in an adult world, a veteran of lecherous wars, having your emotions manipulated selfishly, mangled carelessly, becoming cynical, suspicious in order to survive, leaving you disillusioned of the world, disgusted in those you need and want, depressed with the reality of a ruthless society.

we are older, wiser, bolder, the wounds have crusted over, healed, leaving scars as reminders, of what we want, but can not get without giving, patiently tilling, turning another’s heart in the spring to harvest in summer.

it is frightening to show our true selves to another, perilous in what is required to develop the craved intimacy, frightening in escalating, arduous in sustaining, and reciprocating personal level of self disclosure.

we anesthetize ourself with drugs and alcohol, or distract ourselves with mundane things, quotidian tasks, to numb the deep need, the intense yearning for emotional connection, the warmth and security of being held like a child in mother’s arms.

you have to give to get, to love to be loved, to accept to be accepted, for “the greatest thing you'll ever learn, is just to love and be loved in return (1).”

(1) Nate King Coles (Nature Boy)

you are may
i am december
kisses exchanged
during the bluing hour
child like
staring at you
in wonder and amazement
frosting night
falling snow
flakes in your auburn hair
i walk you home
in the cold frigid air
holding your hand
dreaming of you

you are rare
a beacon
a lighthouse
in a storm
in my daydreams
you are the pixie, the fairy inspiring me  
at night
you are the siren, i surrender to

a trifecta of youth, beauty, personality
you are refreshingly young
spring in my wintered life
preternaturally beautiful
perfection come to life
your femininity bewitching  
your youth intoxicating
your mannerism seducing
i would do anything for you

oozing sensuality
innocences
of a woman on the cusp
you hunger for sophistication
to be worldly-wise
seeking passage guidance
from an experienced traveller
the trade, the deal, is timeless
refined by evolution  

i am humbled
to have been chosen
the ultimate champion
of your ****** selection
in turn, you are my trophy
the spoils
of a never ending war

i know our time is short
the span of a bloom
a season at most
i know the outcome
seen the devastation
the problem is
we think we have time

tes beaux yeux bleu me rappelle du ciel
tes lèvres rouge son comme une rose en printemps

your beautiful blue eyes remind me of heaven
your red lips are like rose in the springtime

we are going through exceptional circumstances
with very unexceptional leaders

are you seeking
meaning
in the stark
unforgiving brutality
of the human
condition

overwhelmed
by the emptiness

solace
found only
in addiction

numbing
away the pain

if only for
a moment

what is it
do you seek
from this existence

look into the well, through the clear water, to the endless depth, what do you hope to see, what is it that scares you, that you most fear, this fascinating tunnel to the underworld.

look up into the sky, how do you feel, is it awe, insignificance, why do you continue, peering into the infinite, do you feel your place, hope God is aware, you are here, do you pray, He cares.

it is sad that the anticipation is often better than the real thing, the moment before a kiss, as eyes close, lips move and touch

remembering the glow of youth, when i was sixteen, before i entered adulthood, and tears started streaming down my cheeks

i'd lost my childhood and innocence

damaged
put away

like a used toy
discarded

forgotten
in a dark closet

desperate
hoping praying

to love
and be loved

youth, beauty, ***
power, influence, currency
ephemeral, fragile, purity
young, old, mortality
look at me
what do you see
am i pretty
do you want me
what’s my value
to you
to me

when i realized
you were worse than better
and was being played
i let go and violently crashed
out of heaven and into hell
full of my worst fears and nightmares
to suffer the emotional savagery and carnage
wreaked upon my heart and soul
there aren’t enough tears to wash away the pain
screams loud enough to express my suffering
but lay curled up, shivering in a pool of blood and feces
and wait for Time to heal anguish and sorrow

words never spoken
a story never told

pay the oarsman
pay your dues

sleep forget
drink the waters of Lethe

ghosts & queens
never seen

we love differently, how can we understand, connect, when we are so dissimilar. a merry-go-round of constant negotiations, asks, and rejections, physical versus emotional, i initiate, you reject, our relationship spirals down, hits the ground, and consumes itself in a fireball of hurt and hate.

we are too different, you and i, the sun and moon, how do we live, fulfill, satisfy our many, complicated needs and wants.

i see the signs, know we are doomed, yet i play the game, half-hearted, going through the motions, never letting down my guard, of becoming one with you, i no longer trust, having been wounded, hurt, betrayed too many times, bracing, protecting myself from the inevitable pain

my head is no longer in the game. i have stopped playing, removed myself from the board, i have grown tired, hoping the next one will be different, repeating the same patterns of destruction, attracting the same damaged people, I recognized the lie, love is a mirage, the cynicism all too consuming, my heart has died

east of the sun
west of the moon
blueing of the night
stars shine

passing pleasures
of bygone lovers
lasting memories
of forgotten kisses

a tender touch
kindles love
healing a broken heart

Our first date at Rise
Holding your hand at the Firehouse Theater
Eating bagels you brought back from Montreal
Having lunch at Salata
Going to the Arboretum
The way you peeked out children’s house
Cuddling on the couch
Watching Game of Thrones
When you fell asleep in my arms
Drinking Amaretto Sours
When you would be silly
The sound of your voice
The maraschino cherry stem  you tied with your tongue
The Forget Me Not Flower Kit you gave me
Exchanging texts
The sound of incoming WhatsApp messages
Diner at Howard Wangs
You wearing bunny ears during Easter
36-28-41
When you posed for me
Your blues eyes looking up at me
Seeing your smile
Touching your lips
The way you smell
The secrets you would tell
Showing how you care
Hugging me tight
Letting me take care of you
When you cook Arepas
The gluten free Clafouti
The time you had the flu
Wearing Calvin Klein underwater
Your dainty feet  
Your goddess like figure
Your cute accent
Typing in the door bell code
Hearing you answer
The emoji of puppy heart kitten

Knowing you are my Bijou
Calling you Minou

journaling of emotions?
    expressions of the heart?
        externalizing of thougts
            cathartic musing
                a rorschach test
                    therapy?
                        art?

it is true
i am the beast
you the beauty
give upon you
a white rose
why do you love me so
honored one
pure and white as snow

lost in fog and fire
running towards a false horizon
a starless night cometh
reeling from too many horrors
a mind over wrought
from hearing the screams
of children dying
the ***** of a rose
blinding the mind’s eye
praying wishing not to see
the white orchid die

you care for her
as tender as a child
as she holds on the handles of a shopping cart
small and petite and as still as a mouse
trembling from cold or fear
staring into space
eyes white and blind from age
you were once strapping
and have weakened and bent with age
shuffling the aisle
gathering goods
the first time i saw you
and realized the dynamics
and saw the tenderness between you
i teared up and walked away
only to start to sob uncontrollably halfway down the aisle
envious of a such a love
wishing i had just a little bit of it

who do you pray to so late into the night
does he listen to your hopes, yours dreams, your desires
when you cry, alone in the early morning dark
do you see his actions, or replies

when you despair, during the day, and retreat deep into the woods
can you feel him by your side, protecting you, keeping you safe
when reach out, into the cold blue of the evening sky
can you feel him, grab him, pull him near

you believe in him, does he believe in you
is he more your creation than you are his
when all your wants are visceral, your desires carnal
to be touched, held, kissed, and loved, unconditionally

who is the toy in this delicate, intimate, savage game
the player or played, the dom or sub, the boy or girl
who has the power, the control, the authority when holding another’s heart
lay down, surrender, savor the sweet intense distillation of love and lust
what is the price you pay for limerence my dear
power lies with whoever cares the least

in a  landscape of open graves
every love story are tragedies, always will be
tomorrow is never promised, not ever
you can not fight who you are
you will lose, tragically, epically

when the pain is greater than the fear
meaning, feeling of infinite hope disappears
the light fades to black, you plunge to the emotional depths
unbridled passion becomes overwhelming fear

ask lady Murasaki, “autumn is no time to lie alone”
the blossoms have fallen, the sweetest fruits picked
winter is coming , days grow colder, nights darker
the fire dies, only embers glow, in the center of the hearth
who has the power, the control, the authority when holding another’s heart

i yearn when you are gone
ache to hold you in my arms
feel your body soft and warm
pressed firmly against mine
i miss your voice, your hair, the look in your eyes
as we kiss softly in the crisp winter’s night

I just wanted
to be close to you
any excuse
to touch
press against you
feel the heat
from your body
smell your scent
taste your lips
reassuring soothing
melting away
my anxiety
hear your voice
feel your breath
warm and soft
against my neck
sending shivers
up my spine
wishing desperately
you’d kiss me
that night
on the dance floor
at the house of blues

shattered sword
broken bones
dried tears
withered roses

remember me
how could i forget
you used to love me

the pain
is unbearable

the loneliness
overwhelming

my soul
is screaming in agony

it’s too hard

i can’t
won’t

do this anymore

i’m not going survive
this time

losing
living

existing
without you

how do i live without you
without love
when it’s all that i crave
i miss the tenderness
the soft embraces
of you in my bed

it hurts

living
to feel the full force
of the human condition

loving
another then being lied to
and abandoned

when lonely and overwrought
with heartbreak and self loathing

screaming silently
so god can hear me

i pop sleeping pills
to fall asleep and not feel

my only salvation is in writing
to give the pain expression

i’ve stopped caring
unplugged
from the news
facebook
& social media

i need to protect myself
my health
mental
emotional
as a parent does
for a child

i am powerless
feel helpless
a paper tiger
i can only offer
empty prayers

i am overwhelmed
wrung out
from theses
never ending
crises

i am suffering
from compassion fatigue
i no longer give a ****
about starving kids
or drowned refugees

i am afraid
of relapsing
falling back
into addiction

i need a brake
an escape
from the everyday
stresses

locked eternally
in an embrace

i and you
you and me

together forever

there is no delineation
in time

i can not see
with my mind’s eye

the beginning
or end

there is just now
you at my side

there are nights i fear you coming, knowing your arrival will plunge me into the abyss, to dredge the emotional depths, i am not ready or willing to explore. i am too fragile, overwrought to plumb those parts of me.

it is intense, exhausting, all consuming, analyzing and dissecting my feelings, so i can pick up a pen, transcribe the wellings, spew them on paper, for the world to see. you are a sadist, but i am the *******, that is the reason i love you, leaving me frail, weakening my mettle, as you show me my demons.

crashing out of our dream, i awake alone, the morning after, left in a stupor, hung over, craving more, lamenting what could have been. how lonely do i need to be, to feel free, how much drugs and alcohol does it take to forget, how far do i need to fall to see.

the depression envelopes, inundates all, in a grayness, as the summer sun leaves, abandoning me to melancholy. that is when you come, at my deepest, loneliest, to kiss me as no mortal woman can, whispering, “ you can’t escape me,” in my ear..

how did you do that, penetrate my defenses
batter down my walls, piercing my armor
touching my heart, revealing my desires
when you pulled back the arrow
it hurt physically, but more emotionally
i felt the void, of all my unmet wants

i miss you most in the morning, when your side of the bed is empty, my hand reaching, expecting, feeling nothing. i roll over, the sun bright, rude in my eyes, i am sad, disappointed, i can’t love and be loved on this lazy morning. i grab your pillow, squeeze it against me, a poor substitute of you, i curl up around it, press my face into its softness, savoring your scent, the smell reminding me, wishing it was you.

tender
gentle

softly
exploring

your touch
tells her so much