Help me through this mess
These tangled thoughts
Black ink
On white paper

The road you take - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - every day - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - never - - - - - seems to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - end - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  but I remain - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - still - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -caught in a - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  jam and going - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - nowhere - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - All roads lead- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - somewhere- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -The destination only- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ours to - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -decide . . . .  .  .  .   .    .   .

Love

         Loss

               Life

                      Learning...

                        ­              still learning

The feeling you have right now,
are you ever afraid that you will never feel it again?
That it will never be real?
That it never existed?
For what is that feeling without hope?
Is it too far from reach?
Could it be possible
that the feeling you have right now
might last forever?
Do you want that?
Do you not deserve that?
It would be a shame
not to try and make it
a possibility

Words should come easily, but they don't
Only when something takes hold of me do the words flow
I need to be fired up for
my emotions to flood out
In this case its writing
Words
like this
Never before is this something I have felt the need to do
so I thank you for setting off this new discovery in me
A liberating time
I can let go
Without remorse
Regret or
false hope
I can write from within and be free to do so
And all this stems from you
The way you make me feel
I owe this very instant to you
To my discovery of self
and the discovery of life I want to make with you
There is so much we can discover
for ourselves
It's just a question of whether or not we allow this to happen
There is the possibility that this could all end tomorrow
I have to accept this
I try not to think this way but it jars all the same
If only I could read you each day
What your thoughts are
I could be a shoulder to rest on
warm skin to touch
Lips to kiss
A body to share
But I can't do this just yet, not yet for the long game
I hope that within this life we can make a space in the world
just the two of us at peace with each other
Make a new life of hope, to take on the future and leave the past behind
Just say the words S......

I am in love with a man
That man is you S
I want the world to know
The time will surely come

Time is precious, this I know
And I want to make
the most of every moment with you
All of you

You tantlise my soul
Ignite a fire in me
Radiate within me
And light our worlds up

For I am yours
eternally
If this is your wish
I feel your desire too

Too many miles separate us
Likewise too many days
Lets take a journey
for always

The wait is agony
Yet ecstasy too
Just knowing that soon
We will be together
Alone
Holding on to feelings
That are so strong
That I want to share
Let me in
Let me feel
What you feel
I will give you mine
When you are ready
I will wait
In agony
For ecstasy

Why am I still sat here
waiting for him
shouldn't I be stronger than this
and not need a man to make me happy?
But happy he makes me
so very happy
ecstatic.
No not the right word-
euphoric
I can't really explain tbh
He is like a drug
my drug of choice even though
I know I shouldn't indulge
He's my secret addiction
that I want every day
but when I can't have him
I'm on the most painful come down
I've ever known
My soul escapes me and I can see it
being torn to pieces right in front of me
a puddle of blood and tears at my feet
I know its not healthy
this dependence
this addiction to love
to a man I can't have
to hurt, neglect and rejection
But I want that hit
of pure love
as each hit is always stronger than the last one
to do without this coursing through my veins
I fear I won't survive
I'm not strong enough to survive the pain
of not having love
with him

My head is heavy
Falling back into
the dark place
that I hoped
would never exist again

But it's always been there
A home from home
Offering a warm embrace
A place that welcomes
with no judgement

A place with no ending
no starting point
No acceptance of mistakes
That are created in this journey

No paths visible
No light that guides
the way
An eternal nothingness
behind closed eyes
There is no escape

No calls reach out
No voice can reach in
no hands to take hold
Not even to push away

No expectations
to be nothing more than yourself
No confusion

So I lean back further
Falling freely
Hoping the ground doesn't take long
To rise up
take the weight on all sides
I don't want to fall
anymore

Songs of love
Songs of longing
Listening to the words
Which tie me in knots
How do they do that to me?
Tap into my thoughts?
My feelings?
My heart?
I need to purge
All the emptiness within
Unleash the sorrow for now
Once again
And each time you leave

Right now
I’m good

Although i don’t have you with me
I have you
In my heart

My mind is full
of memories
That will stay with me
always

These are bright and light
my day
I can wait a little longer
my dear
To share my love
with you

Thoughts of you
Memories of us

Come and go
Take over my being

Engulf my body
The pain is constant

When I am alone
Without you

Maybe I get a bit too emotional
about this, about us, our situation
that I want way too much, more than you can give
and it'll drive you away
I know its not easy for you
You have a complicated life
a life where you have made promises
and those people expect a lot from you
I won't be one of those people, demand so much of you
and you've made no promises to me
There is a lot in life I know I can't have
through no fault of my own
it's just how life works for some and
its always been that way for me
But I want you, God how much I want you
That I do know, and I'll fight for what I believe in
on those very rare occasions when
I really believe in something
What we have is more than good
and I want us to keep it, make it stronger
But the unknown is scary
Of what could be, or might not be
we both understand this
Because this could just be a stupid ****** daydream
that never comes true
All thoughts and feelings wasted and hearts broken
I don't want that, not for us
But someone will get their heart broken
This will be certain
If its me then I'll accept that decision
and I'll know at least we made each other happy
in the short time we spent together
and the love we made will be remembered
always

Love is a battle
          Worth fighting
                         no matter how much
                                     it hurts

From across the room
I catch a glimpse

You stand tall
Physical yet vulnerable

Longing holds my heart in chains
Remembering times we have spent

Entwined

I feel this each time
I catch a glimpse

Of you

Lets break these chains
My love

The hardest part is letting you walk out the door
Back to your life
That I know hurts you
That I know exhausts you
That consumes you

I want to be there for you
To take away the hurt
I want you to be yourself again
To be happy
To be free
To say and do what makes you content
Without regret

I adore touching you
Kissing you
Loving you
The taste of your lips on mine
The touch of your tongue on mine
Every caress carves with such intensity
Sometimes too unbearable
Because I want this so much
With you
Your touches
Your closeness
Your warmth
Makes me whole again

I will wait for you
My door remains open
I will let you in

Poetry...

Because it’s cheaper than a psychiatrist

And no one sees the tears fall

How do I feel now?
Now that you are gone?
Not gone from my life
But only at the end of a phone?

A few words written
A few at a time
A few days at a time

I can't touch you
I can't taste you
I can't kiss you

I love to do all these things
I know you love them too

I long to hold you
To stroke your face
Kiss your neck

Feel your body next to mine
Feel your warmth inside me
Filling me with joy

That I can't explain
Its for us to share
But I want to share this forever

Do you feel the same?

And then into the darkness
One footstep at a time
Where is the light
To guide the way
And does it lead home?

An eternity
stumbles

I watch as
20 years begin to convulse

The spell's broken

Realization hits me

Is this my
last chance?

When all I want is you
You can’t be here
You want me by your side
To keep you warm
It’s all I want too