I heard my voice raise to that horrid and uncontrolled high pitched whiny sob
I felt your anger, guilt, sorrow.
And my own disappointment.
“This is the present” You say
“Give me the benefit of the doubt”
But I have, my whole entire life
And you’ve let it down time and time again.
“You’re over reacting, that’s why you’re sick, you over react to everything”
It chases me down the hall and out into the street.
It holds no depth, only pain.
“I’m making a compromise, just a few drinks”
You’re a different person with even a sip.
Your priorities shift
And where’s the line? It’s so easy to slip.
“We had a deal: I don’t want to see you unless you’re sober”
“Then you’ll never see me again. And that’s your choice.”
Later you tell me ‘choice’ does not mean ‘fault’
And you’ll be sober after the holidays
In another dimension an inferred guilty forever carries on uninterrupted
My mind is on its own repeated pattern
Spinning the guilt you’ve thrown away
Into a ball of yarn; my thread for thought
The responsibility fell heavy
My back is weary now
And I believed it: all is my fault.
All the burdens of the world were not mine to feel
I know that now.
I’ve had too much, too much blame
Too much mind spinning
So when he dished it out I accepted
It was what I knew.
And when he died I took it on
And don’t you dare tell me you’re any better
The stuff you threw at mum was crippling
I tried to comfort her,
To give her support
And I hid – no extra trouble from me madam, no sir!
And I hid from the monster you would become
And today I woke with nausea, pain, and a weakness of spirit
Plunged to the extremes of this sickness
I sleep away the pain; it’s the only thing to do.
You told me you’d give your life to save us
But to give up one day, just one day,
Of drinking
Has always been beyond you
Now tell me, what worth does that leave us?
Don't tell me with words - you bend those.
It doesn't add up. It’s never added up.
Christmas at dads was not so fun this year. Mums house was marvellous though.
