weird how something so impermanent
can feel so permanent
weird how laying in bed all day can be so tiring
weird how the afternoon was made for naps
weird how the rise and fall of your chest
can make the ocean feel jealous of such flawless movement
weird how these memories still remain after years of abandonment
weird how we never knew we'd end up here
weird how the winter winds brought me to tears
weird how you are everything and nothing
weird how i now have nothing

I've always had those moments
when I seem braindead
but really I'm just overthinking
a passed or impending situation

Making two-star dramas and slasher films
I'm the silent victim
that should've saw it coming
in my soothsayer premonitions

Wish I could drop a bag of bones
and let them come up with
the mood I should be in

These small woodland animal spirits
prancing around my world
tell me what's life's deal
and sometimes make me fearful
when I'm in a badly lit room alone


It's not the dark that gnashes
but that which most wants the light


As if, life is about burning your hands
on many light bulbs, 'till some source
slurps up your essence and you're stuck
finding the portal to the next level
fighting and collecting dragons on the way
fighting and collecting dragons on the way

Time is not on my side
I got it on my wrist
This story of my life
The tales of a beast

I am the best scientist Alive
I discovered the element of Surprise


I competed for the bread,
I became the bread winner
I paid for my sins,
Bribe from a sinner


Those who hold on to
Grudges are Lame
They better hold on to
Crotches or get a brain

Today at a library I spoke to Jim. Such a pleasant 82year old gentleman born on the Isle of Man. As I got to know him a bit more, I found out that he hasn't spoken to a single person in 3weeks! He did mention saying hi or hello to people you normally greet, but nobody wanted to take it from there and spend the time of their day just talking. We spent chatting roughly 20 minutes and every now and then he would almost feel uncomfortable having me around, asking if he wasn't "wasting" my time.
It saddens and angers me, that at an age where everyone feels so connected, we have grown so detached and so distant from each other, even from ourselves. Even our own friends, our own parents and relatives, let alone strangers. We avoid being vulnerable with each other. We project what we think would gather more likes or more acceptance from the society. But by doing so, we are undoing the very basic of the basics. Connection. We are ashamed and embarrassed to project vulnerability.
It all starts with a simple hello. Outside.

I am on my high
Horse winning wars.

I know I am hated,
I only bite I never bark.
My shadow is a fake friend,
It never shows in the dark.

I pull strings,
I Am the ventriloquist.

I am living in a glass house,
I am throwing stones.
Now everyone passed out
With broken bones.

The fullest moon can not outshine you, nor can its darkest crater be as hollowing as you.

This day is drawing high
and shadows now flee
for perfection has come
and gladness knows me
and this cause that I pled
for so long as I trod
Waiting and hating
the gladness of sunrise, sunset and all
refusing to trust God
when the world was on the run
Leaving this Shield
My Rock and Salvation
diving heads first in the sea of pity
Till I found this new life
now this day I await

Innocent love.

That’s what I held in my heart for her.
My heart fluttered every time I saw her.
I remember the way her chocolate hair flowed in the wind, cascading across her shoulders.
I remember how she would do the most awkward things, how color filled her beautiful cheeks.
I remember the fireball she was, how endlessly loving and enthusiastic she was.

But I also remember how I noticed these things; sad things.
I remember how I could tell if her smile was fake by the twitch in the corner of her mouth.
I remember how my heart broke as I helplessly watched her deal anxiety.
I remember how she would always wear shorts that covered her thighs.
I remember how she would break down, how she would hate herself.
I remember the day that I told her about my suicide attempt and she told me about her’s.
I remember how I cried with her.
I remember letting her down, I remember picking her up.
I remember how we hugged that first time I saw her after she had gotten out of the hospital.
I remember how she was the only reason why I did not **** myself.
I hope I was her reason.

The thing is, I have only known this woman for a year but I want to truly get to know her.
I want to learn her pet peeves, I want her to tell me her life story and rant about it.
I want to help her. I want her to truly believe and know that I couldn't imagine the world without her.
I want her to know these emotions and thoughts that I can’t put into words.
I could think for hours and not find out the right mixture of 26 letters to express how important she is to me.
I won’t ever be able to understand how such an amazing person could hate herself and want to end her life.
I want to be there for her, to break any of those lies.

Because I’m in love with her.
I’m in love with her personality, her scars, and who she is.
I wouldn't change a thing on that astounding woman.

I am innocently in love with her. I want to fall asleep beside her, to brush the strands of deep brown hair out of her eyes.
I want her to feel loved.
I want to be the one that fixes the future and puts a peace of mind on the past.
I want to be her first love.

I love her.
I love the way her eyes have so much depth.
I love the choker that wraps around the base of her tanned neck.
I love her true smile, how it perfectly fits in her complexion.
I love her figure, regardless of society’s standards.
I love the little bows she expertly weaves into her hair.
I love the way she can make anyone smile.
I love her naturally weird nature, how she isn't afraid to be herself.
I love her story, how it proves how strong and amazing she really is.
I want to brush my hand across her cheek and kiss her.
I want to make up for all the times she felt worthless.
I need to make her realize how much better she is compared to these illnesses.
    
I want to make her feel wanted.
    
I want to be her first love.