It's hard to get rid of,
This old crusty skin.
Am I to rid myself of this tiredness?
Or by it cave in?
Lost and dreary forever on this empty shore,
Begging for more when all recedes me.
This is the never ending struggle of the mind,
Bearing and dragging me down all the time.
And so it is that it bears down more,
When there's no room to breath.
And nary a door.

Self-worth
measured in:
1) pounds and
2) passing glances from

strangers

Healthy melissa you need to eat
Healthier she says as she
eyes my tightish jeans, the belt
bisecting my hips splitting each in
two
I eye them too.
Healthy is in the
eye
of the beholder

maybe it was the light reflecting off the water that made it all feel surreal
the long drive the slow dive
the weight of unspoken want
we shed our clothes and bore our skin out into the night air
and we told you not to look knowing full well that you would anyway
but anyway
here's another night spent in proximity to another life
secreted away in city lights and manufactured stars
you lifted me over the fence just to carry me until morning light
pale
open
blunt.
vulnerable in the dark water
flash junk imagery of your hands on my waist
gold and black and crystalline in the low light from the parking lot
your visual stimulation an ever present hum in the background of the moment
we broke in just to break out of routine
six of us small thin and brittle in exposure
connected by the weight of unspoken want
just don't leave it for too long
and I told you not to knowing that you would
you looked and I fell and they laughed knowing it was the slow burn all along
and I know that on the ride home you'll wait for glimpses of my figure illuminated by break lights
and that I'll search for your arms in the darkened car
but for now it's the light reflecting off the water
and your iconic longing
the type that sets a lover into eternity in photographs and sighs
thin wrists and thighs
this is the long drive and the slow dive
and six feet under isn't so scary in a swimming pool
dark blue and numbing the weight fades away only to resurface along the arch of my spine
reignited by your hands cautious and thin
and the waves tumble in
reckless son sick coughing up blood like I need this
nervous soul set alight in the waining darkness
you'll catch me before they catch us
and I'll be the first to confess
that it was the weight all along
exposed and half dressed faded in the wave pool
the long drive the slow dive
the weight of want in your arms.

This  my harmartia
I know it
I live with it I despise it every day
I fight with it
I see it
I thought you accepted it
I trusted you , felt safe with you  
Now I don't
I don't want to see you
I don't want to talk to you
I don't want to be with you
I don't want to be around you
I don't want your love because I don't believe in it anymore

arms wrapped around my
waist feeling more like a chain link
fence I could not
jump reminding me of the
christmas my entire
family bought me boxes and boxes of
rulers to see if i measured up to their standard of
beauty of what a young woman should
weigh but personally I've liked feeling like an oversized bag of
sugar when everyone else is withering away to
nothing to the sound of your voice when I say it on a windy
day see I can keep you right
here if we're still in love in
winter and you get
cold at night you can go right
here in the folds of my
love if you get cold if you get
cold see I have so much to
give the truth is I never really gave a
**** about you but you were the only
person who could embrace
me without making some sort of
joke and I've never had a history of
humour

I’m sick of having to put a caveat on my weight.
It’s the asterisk that follows my body
that I can never seem to get rid of.
It says "Caution:
she may be beautiful and witty and smart
but her worth is negated by the size of her waistline."
I write that I am a large person in my online dating profile,
as if it were a trigger warning for men that otherwise might find me
Beautiful.
I don’t want to catch them off guard
I want to at least give them
the courtesy of knowing
that there is more to me then what will ever fit
on a 16 inch computer screen.
At least if I am the one to say it,
To judge my own worth,
I won’t be the punch line of their jokes.
Their blows won't land if I refuse
to step into the ring.
Even this though is dishonest.
If I were to really put myself out there,
My profile picture would be of my belly
Of my stretch marks,
Of the half moon curves of my stomach
that rest above my hips.
But I’m not sure that I’m ready to look,
to Honestly look
at myself for that long.
I used to avoid nakedness.
I hated being on top whenever I made love.
And I was always so aware
Of how malleable I really am.
I am soft of body and of heart
But now I like to think that means
That it's easier to melt into other people
To connect and hold and treasure and comfort
All at once.
There may be more of me
but there is more of me to give
After all, what is an asterisk but a star?

Today I am sadness
Today the world is too much
I am angst
I am worry
I am holding back tears
Today I am unrequited
Today I am longing
I am concern
I am need
I am just going through the motions
Today I am confused
Today I am a headache
I am a heartache
I am weighed upon

Heals tapping on the
Hard
Wooden floor creaking
Under the weight
Of time and weather like
The wind and steam
Of the machine in
The caffeine dream
Of the woman inside
The cup
Slowly burning my lips
At every breath taking sip
The words slip away