If there is any value in anything,
Am I a fraud?
I should not exist.
There is nought I care bear to do
In order for this world to remain
Free from guilt, shame,
Morbid perdition,
A torrid display of all that is malicious—
And yet you claim you value me.
Beyond reason, purpose,
There is no explanation why—
Are you a poignant widower yearning
For blind love?
Don’t choose hope through those who need you.
Learn you value yourself.
Still you choose to say you cannot yield,
Cannot cease, can never change
I’d believe in you, I’d trust,
But above all, I want you to give in!
Can’t you apprehend?

What do we value?
If not ourselves?
What do we care for? Beyond all else?
I’ve never prior, cared to wonder of
The veil to mask our intrinsic intentions.

We stop for nothing.
Fragile,
Breakable,
Torn into.
Unable to fall far enough,
Fast enough.
Run to catch up,
They are just too far ahead.
Stop.
Watch until wanting to run,
Again,
Unable to continue forward.

Why stop?

The tape, as I unstick it from its place, rips off plates of paint from our crummy, moldy walls.

My heart wrinkles a little.

I fold the tape over the corners of my collage. Lay it down over my everest-sized pile of clothes-to-trade-for-souvenirs.

I sigh.

It is quiet.

A cockroach scurries out of a shirt sleeve. I flick him lovingly off the bed. The only one to keep my house company these days.

I start pulling out notebooks, so much. So many. Too many things I collect and funnel value into.

I must decide which to take and what to leave behind in the ******* bin.

Back at school, I chuck half the pile, almost violently, into the trash and stride away. Stay there then. Have it your way.

Only a few minutes before all of this, I bragged about being ready to go home, washing my hands of this ridiculous place.

But it only just occurred to me then that by leaving Africa, I will be facing a whole new life. Like a neo-Alice, falling further down the rabbit hole. I am being sieved, strained, pressed until the juices of energetic volunteerism is squeezed dry.

I have only heard rumors, of course, but I believe that what I will be facing will be maybe even more terrifying than it is here.

as i get closer to you, i understand you more
you make me smile a bit more everyday
you start to learn the song of my heart
as i learn the song of your heart
our laughter today is louder than yesterday's
our distance is closer than yesterday's
today we spend more time than yesterday's
life become beautiful everyday because of your presents
it takes forever or life time to find a friend like you
but it took me better than a minute to find you
i wonder if our friendship is valuable to you as it is to me

I breathed in a kind of life
Which conformed to that one I evoked
Carried my own identity
Which I valued so much
Gaining honor from the league
Yes, I was distinguished.

You offered me your name
So pure and white to my eyes
Accepted, love and nurtured it
Like what I have done to mine.

We echoed to the world
The best alliance we have
Glowing and sparkling like a diamond
But only for a moment in time.

The force between us was great
Pushing us to opposite directions
The friction became so intense
Which created the flame of ire.

Why not?
You ruined the thing I valued the most
Crashed it behind my eyes
With your selfish plans
Of which became sharp knives
That cut it all.

My name, my precious name!
Was now but a ***** rag into their eyes
And nothing I have done
But a thousand sighs and cries in the dark.

In my dark moments I remembered
The pledge that we have made
And so I stood and dressed up
Walked in nobility
Breathed the same air
Just like before
Ah, I have to win this task
Though only risks were all displayed.

I fought for you
For our name, for our life
But you left me alone in the dark
Cleaning that messy ground
With such sticky dirt
That are hard to wipe out.

Now I am trying to breathe again
In the same way I once knew
Hoping that I may redeem
My name that once they revered.