This war I wage.
A new chapter.

I fought my battles,
I bled my blood.
I followed my orders and by God I marched,

Little did I know,
In this war I wage...
I fight on both sides...

I wanted you so much
But I didn’t love you
I know if I ever spoke that prayer
It would smolder upon your lips
And fall to the ground as ash

Validation.
The name of the game.
If you know what I mean,
then you feel the same.

If not, I’ll explain,
so pull up a chair.
Allow me to enlighten,
listen if you dare.

I wake up in the morning,
first thing, check my phone.
Next it’s the apps, and the emails,
constantly refreshing them alone.

Validate me,
show me I exist.
Not a word, or a quip,
or a single call missed.

Validate me,
show me my worth.
Show me I’m a human,
on this isolated earth.

Please validate me,
or am I even here?
****, chase away those thoughts,
and scare off those fears.

Validate me. Please.
Perhaps I’m a ghost.
Or maybe I’m invisible,
or maybe, I’m dead.

Help me.

I'm at the age right now,
when parents tell you that you are having,
"Identity issues".

I have news for all of you,
I'm not.
Having.
Identity.
Issues.

It's the exact opposite.
I have found myself.
And I love myself.
It is not unhealthy to love and appreciate yourself.
It is unhealthy,
to change for someone else's benefit.
Yet, this is what most want us to do.

There is a difference between changing yourself,
to affect others in the way that you want to affect them,
versus changing yourself just because they say so.

I have found myself.
I'm sorry if you don't like it.
I'm sorry if we don't share beliefs or ideas or anything at all.

I am not sorry,
for being myself.

And I will continue to live this way.
Believing that I am,
who I am,
and quite frankly,
I am enough.

I don't need your validation.
I don't need your affirmation.
All I need,
is for you to not tell me,
that I have identity issues.

Seeking validation from others?
Sad anytime...
Be self content, confident!

i used to do it for the attention
the likes
the retweets
the comments
on my pictures
on my tweets
on my statuses
on me

they made me feel validated
safe
secure
accepted
“you are good” my brain translated
“they like you” it went ?on, “that’s good"

they made me feel like i
belonged
somewhere

until they didn’t.

until i felt
numb
in the head
the words didn’t mean anything
the attention wasn’t enough

until i
couldn’t look myself in the mirror
without hating who i was
who i
became?
who i
who i
who i
who am i?

who
am
i?

and so i was forced to realize
forced — for if i didn’t, i may have died
i forced myself
to stop
i forced myself
to come to the conclusion
other people’s words did not matter
they did not matter

for if i let them matter
then i may have broken
to the point
that i could not put myself back together

“they matter” my brain told me.
“no, they do not.” said my mouth. “they do not matter.”
“yes they do.”
“no they don’t.”
“they— ?”
“— don’t.”
“but — “
“they don’t.”
“th— “
“”they don’t matter.”
“you don’t believe— “
“whether or not i believe, they still do not matter.”
“they won’t accept you.”
“they don’t have to.”
“they won’t love you.”
“but i will."
“but — “

“they,” i said
to the ‘me’ in the mirror
slowly
surely
determinedly
“do not matter."

they did not matter they did not matter  they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter they did not matter

for the only one that mattered
the only opinion that mattered
the only validation that mattered

was mine.

Now we've come to the end
And I have so much to thank you for
so thank you for wasting my time
for making me second guess every move I make
for helping me weave a tapestry for my teenage years
one laced with paranoia and bad timing
thank you for pushing me away
which forces me to let go
forces me to grow and wrap my arms around myself
instead of you
thank you for forcing me to put the care and effort into myself
for making me less hollow
by leaving
Thank you for letting me know you didn't care
and that's okay because now I know it wasn't my fault
thank you for letting me breath

Shoulders back
Head up
Breath.

Weave through the crowd
faster
yet slower
shoulders back, straight posture.

An opening ahead
clear space
light seeping through.

Like a moth to a flame.
Pose
and wait
breath in, breath out.

Surrounded by silence
than by darkness
the first tunes strike.

Head up
a broad smile
spotlight on
dance.

Move
spin
jump and mesmerize.

Tunes fade away
applaud is roaring
the smile fades.
Do I dance for myself or do I dance for validation?

MJR 11/01-18