The things I’d tell you
If I had the courage
I’d look you in the eyes
“**** you,” I’d say
“**** it all”
I **** the day
That I said I loved you
**** the day
That you pressed your lips to my skin
**** the day you put your arms around me
**** that look in your eyes
Sparkling and beaming
**** that smile
**** the words you told me
When you told me I was beautiful
**** the day
You fell asleep beside me
And I told you all the truths I could never say
**** the touches we shared
Soft and fearful
**** your lips
That pretty mouth of yours
Spewing lies that tasted like cherry
**** the cold days
That I wore your clothes
**** those warm days
Of summers by the creek
**** the day your fingers traced my wrist
And you spoke to me softly
**** those days you made me smile
Just so I’d miss you when you leave
**** the day you said goodbye
And you wished me the best
**** the final day I cried
And **** all the rest

While you might look
at the months ahead
and see feasts,
and shared tables,
and celebratory treats,
and memories made in the kitchen.
I see hours needed on the treadmill,
and calories needing to be logged,
and pounds gained,
and hours crying on the bathroom floor.
I no longer see the holidays
as a joyous time full of laughs
but rather as a 3 month long
depressive purge.

Not an easy thing
I am shriveled and weak
So see through my eyes
I am small and meek

Look into my head
A constant chatter
A thousand thoughts
Echo that I don't matter

I'm grasping at straws
And wishing on stars
That I could see any value
Underneath my scars

Do you think I don't beg
At night as I scream
Desperate for relief
Desperate to dream

So far I am worthless
No inherent use
My entire existence
Is unhinged and loose

So throw me away
Lend me some meaning
So that when I am gone
It won't be so unseeming

Let me do what I can
Vicarious meaning or not
So perhaps I'll wake up
Instead of laying to rot

not naming names,
100 proof in my veins.
i cant be the same
when i'm drinking again

didnt know i was nostalgic
for self-reckless sadness
and if i go,
well, wouldn't that be tragic.

People always say
You realize what you had when its gone
Love
But what if love wasn't gone
What if you were apart
What if all it was
Was a piece of your heart
Just something just wanted
But never thought to start

It's this recorder playing in my head
Saying what has happened to your family
You get it too
You'll be torn apart