I was the kindest soul that ever sang to you and it turns out you never heard a word I spoke.
Claiming that maybe you just didn't need my songs to feel good.
I'm feeding myself false hope by the spoon fulls even after choking so many times.
I wish I could have learned sooner to put the spoon down - I knew it I just couldn't grasp it - the reality of losing it.
He couldn't explain his lack of love for my soul but kept my body full of greed for a year and a half.
Unfortunately, I'm a modernly woman holding on to just a string of hope thinking of all the ways I could change myself for you.
I thought I never was the prettiest picture that you'd admire each night. You told me yourself you had a gallery of others you would desire to be with for a night.
My skin still sinks so low remembering your stories about these selfish needs.
Making me feel I was never enough to love, cherish, and make a home in.
How does it feel to rip down a perfectly fine structure of a woman until she is bird bones?
I had a weak mind and constitution but continued to dance through the storm that I thought you'd save me from one day.
I was always looking for any signs of sun that I dreamt you would bring to me.
I ended up watching you disappear into the sun wishing and just praying that someday I could as well.
I asked to join but you couldn't handle it - you said couldn't understand it because you've never experienced rain like mine.
You put me through hell and I think it's my time to finally be able to breathe without your hands on my throat - don't you mind?
My first experience with love turned out to leave a constellation of scars that I'll one day look at and be able to see their beauty.
But for now, I'm still just counting scars.
But for now, I'm still battling flames you burned in me.
I didn't think I'd write like this about you,
But I can still feel the day you no longer felt like my hometown.
Coming home to you was lackluster and toxic at best - but I still drank it up like it was sweet wine.
Oh, how it still stings.
Finally, you have set me free and I can love you for that because you knew I was too weak to do it myself.
But here I stand tall - I am feeling like I'm starting to breathe and it is so divine.
I think I am floating.
One day I'll taste the sweet serenity of someone who'll listen to my songs and crave my soul and knows how to survive a storm.
But for now, I can only be my biggest supporter.
I can't look for conformation in another being without learning to love the silence.
"I'll take care of you
I'll nurture you
I'll guide you through and to anew
I'll take you so far to a place where you'll be able to build yourself better.
I love you and all your soul, body, and mind.
Don't be terrified, don't let him pull you down, don't let him fool you that he cared about you.
Let this story grow old and crinkle.
He didn't know how lucky he was."
2020
A poem about my first break up and the power of overcoming emotional trauma. In the end, promising to take care of myself rather than relying on someone else to do so.
