I can't be so sure
about you
when you play on my insecurities
wielding them like weapons
I've discovered
that your laughter and smiles
are a happy facade
for something much darker
dare I delve inside?
I don't know what I might find
perhaps the truth about myself
*or maybe just a web of lies

The world stands still.
The hand stopps working
And everything falls silent.
Nothing happens,
But everything goes right past me.
'Tick tack" reverberates in my mind,
The hand swirls around,
Does time exist?
The world moves too fast.
No matter what ever happens, i'll stand still.
I don't walk straight ahead
Not right
Not left.
Just sometimes i look back
Try to look forward after it
But my eyes are full of tears.
I've stopped living,
Even if my heart still beats.

"How am I feeling?- I think I'm fine,
Or at least not as bad as before
I think that I'm having a wonderful time,
Although I really can't be sure.

If I tell somebody I'm feeling OK
They smile and say; "Is that so?
What's made you feel better today?"
And I mumble; "I don't know."

It makes me question what I say,
And confuses me more and more.
I think that I'm having a wonderful day
Though I really can't be sure.

As I sat and pondered on how to write my next poem,
I witnessed an insect trying to fit into a space it was too big for.
I watched as the insect twisted and turned with determination to try and make the impossible possible, and it made me wonder:
How many opportunities have I missed because I mistook cannots for would nots?
I wallowed in the fear of what could happen, my pessimistic tendencies taking over,
(because I have loved and lost and I wish I had never loved at all)
so maybe the situation I am in is my fault.
Maybe it is genuinely not you, but it's me because you are the small space and unlike the insect I did not twist and turn
even though you are worth it.

I will auto correct myself, if you promise to do the same.

I can't help but think that part of me loves you.

But we know that, I do love you. But this feels different, like a different kind of love. Something I've never felt before, something I don't know how to feel.

I'm scared to love because I'm scared to lose.

I can't love more than I do because I've put so much forth towards the relationship we have now. But I can't help but think that part of me loves you.

I miss you more often than not, I love the times we are able to talk, and even better, FaceTime.

But I can't love you. I just can't.
And if I did, I'd most definitely be friendzoned by now.

There's just something to you. A caring, kindhearted, wonderful human being with a special soul.

But I just can't love you, I can't.

These are things I want to tell you, but instead keep hidden deep down inside. Because I can't love you.

Yet, I look for pieces of you in every guy I meet. Every guy I'm interested in. Hoping they can be as amazing as you and give me all that you have. You treat me right, you treat me like a lady. You encourage me to follow my dreams and tell me when I'm being insane.

So maybe there is a part of me that truly loves you, more than I do now.

But I can't love you like that, I just can't.

Hold my hand in my rain
Protect my heart in it's pain
Wrap your beautiful arms around me
When life's depravity I can't take to see
Please oh Please stand beside me