How do I love you?
I obsessively read
Pisces love horoscopes
though I am a Capricorn

How do I love you?
I vividly imagine
our colorful future together
though I know it's unlikely

How do I love you?
I unhesitatingly take
your jabs at my best efforts to please you
though I know you're projecting

How do I love you?
I ask myself, constantly, repeatedly
why my love for you isn't enough
though I do know the answer

How do I love you?
I incessantly interrogate myself
a beggar for love, begging away
though there's a treasure trove inside of me

How do I love you?
as I look longingly at my reflection
at the woman who is still learning to love herself
though her soft, open  heart has  be restrung like a treasured violin

He's like a sea I can't seem to navigate in
It's wind ever changing cours

I was never looking into you
I was only pouring an image of myself onto your canvas
Of course I didn’t know
it was me looking into me
this was the mirage of my desire
always in the shape of a question mark
and you
a sweeping mystery
oozing something toeing the peculiar line between *** and titanium (cold, edgy, sharp - trembling
between pain and principle
like blazer and tie
or more like halfway-unbuttoned-shirt-and-slacks on-with-no-tie
(it was like you were making an effort!))

It was ***
but it also wasn’t ***
(I am empty
I am full)

I keep building up and up and up
all these images in my Mind
(which never shuts up)
(a never-ending narrative
She spins and spins and succumbs
only in those rare and passing circumstances)
constructing people like buildings
only the scaffolding is imaginary and when
the architecture folds in on itself
soulless
and my beloved figurines come toppling down on me
why do I still get so surprised
so stung
so lonely in that
hollow and distant way
(like your Mind is echoing
in on
Itself)?

My Mind is like quicksand
devouring streams of memory with ease
forever unsatisfied and craving more of the same
sharp edges and all
praying for a satiation in some distant future
She knows will never come

Only here
in this tiny universe
can I spell out anything resembling rationality
from the mess and junk and tangled tendrils of my Mind
Only here
can I extract bits and pieces of thoughts
and try to puzzle them together
until they make sense
until I can separate “Me” from “Reality"

And what doesn’t make sense
what I need to understand
is why I feel so beset
with this heavy magnetism that
overpowers me to the point of
paralysis
(with little to no room for breathing)
and why it was you
who pushed me into this feeling
and you
who is still pulling me along
far past the threshold of my resistance
and I am done
and it stings

In my dreams I see you
You love and hold me tight
Whisper sweet nothings into my ear
And tell me everything is alright

You listen to my woes
Yet with you I feel no stress
As within your warm embrace
I am finally allowed to rest

Your sweet lips on mine
As we share a gentle kiss
A hickey or maybe more
Ah, this is pure bliss

We run through different scenarios
Your confession, Our love and tears
And together no matter what
You are still willing to hold me dear

Everything is perfect
I laugh and smile so bright
Being with you brings me delight
So I hold on so tight

But when reality comes knocking
And I wake up from my dream
I look to see I'm all alone
And the tears flood like a stream

In this world you dont love me
I'm nothing more then a friend
No hugs and kisses adore me
Those are only for your girlfriend

My unrequited love
Oh, how it hurts me so
I can only wish you could love me
So back into those dreams I go

She stands outside my blooming heart
and draws my soul with messy hands
paint mixed with my blood and sweat
blurring all the lines
bending all the rules

And she's not Monet
but she doesn't remember my face anyway
I'm just a shadow in a crowd
and just a paint when we're alone
'cause the sunny afternoon
doesn't last forever
whenever
wherever
the wind will take us away

If only I had taken
those last few steps
towards you,
I probably would have
had the courage to say
a simple 'hello'.
But instead,
I'd chicken'ed out
and let her get the chance
to say them instead.
And now;
I've lost my only chance
to ever be with you.

{ E.I }