emotional stakes
are changed
when a young girl,
tasked to bring hellfire,
lays off the trigger

I look back.
A dad, a sister, a brother, a mom.
Moving five, seven, no, thirteen times.
A father gone,
A sister to school.
Another stepdad,
No three boyfriends.
Of all, two criminals.

I look back more.
Three, four, school districts.
You promised one final.
Promise not kept.

I’m sixteen.
My first car, breaks.
My second car, breaks.
My third car, Mom breaks.

One, three, four attempts.
Goodnight.

I break; But looking back
It could have been worse.
No dad, no mom;
Just brother and sister.

At least I have three.
Goodnight.

I used to wonder how people make fun of their mental illnesses
I used to wonder how anyone can make light of their problems

"I'm not gonna commit suicide today doc..not today
I'm too busy to die, look I've got a family sized Malteasers
pack to eat and I need to know what happens to Daredevil."

I thought, how could you make fun of what's happening to you?
I thought, how could you make it out to be funny and comical?

But now I'm here
In this ****.
And to joke about it all, is all I've got
That's what I have to do to keep going

I need to make this funny because I can't handle the truth
I literally can't handle how serious my problem is
It numbs the pain and it works

I used to wonder how people make fun of their mental illnesses
I used to wonder how anyone can make light of their problems
But now I get it
I understand now

everyone tells you of the terrible twos
but no one warns you of the teens that haunt you
you lie there alone, all warm in your bed
as bouts of depression dance through your head

you walk through the halls, life a hazy grey
as you wish those demons would just go away
anxiety haunts you, you tell your psychiatrist so near
as you wish you could just walk out of the rear

pills and pills in little orange bottles
“this will help you i'm sure! it's the new model!”
you cant help but feel that no one can comprehend
that you, a child, is so near the end

you cant feel anymore, they whisper in your ear
closer and closer the demons grow near
you feel so trapped, as you cannot breathe
you sit down on the floor “not again” you seethe

they’re called panic attacks, your therapist tells you
these happen a lot, and they are hard to live through
your friends they try hard, to get you to smile
you do as you are told, this goes on for a while

you realize when all is gone and all is done
when you wished you were dead, **the demons had won

Days like today
In my darkened way
I just sit,rock, and sway

I rock to the rhythm of my lifes sorrowful song
This feelings so wrong, so strong
In this inky state of mind
Any minut goodness is hard to find

There's hatred and self doubt
I HATE THE WAY I FEEL...I just want to shout
But there's no one here to hear anyway
So I sit and I cry and I sway

My thoughts bleed all over the place
You can plainly see them on my face
I'm such a disgrace
To the whole human race

This depression is heartless
Bringing only darkness
On days like today
My body and soul cry
It just leeks out my eyes

The sadness and darkness intertwine
It makes living feel like a crime
I'm so utterly clueless
Fighting it seems so useless

This is a bad one
I don't know where it came from
At lest with a trigger I know where I stand
Today I just feel like I have a brand
That tells the dakness to fall
That I don't belong after all

I go to this place where I feel insane
And I go to it again and again
One of these times it'll leave a stain
But, somehow it always rains

To wash out all the colors
It takes away from the endless amount of colours
And tug on everyone's collars

I sometimes think I should pick up some paints
Then maybe I could finally repaint the colors
That have been missing from my world
They just get washed away
Into the rough

It downpours, just to decay
Everything it touches turns gray
Is there a debt that I have to repay?
All I have to pay with is grey

I have heard birds sing happily
And I wonder at the legality
Of having fun in this place of insanity
I want I to end entirely

There's a man that has the power
He controls the rain
And destroy the colors again
Somehow I always thought he was bigger
But it is I, who pulls the trigger

two months ago, he pushed me into a corner and grabbed my breast
two months ago, he told me not to worry and groped away
two months ago, i frantically fought against his touch
two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

one month ago, i was still the only one who know
one month ago, i blamed myself
one month ago, life seemed worthless
one month ago, i wanted to die

three weeks ago, i reached out for help
three weeks ago, i realized the trigger of all my self hate
three weeks ago, i came home hoping to leave it all behind
three weeks ago, i cried

today, i am numb to the memory
today, i don't give myself enough credit
today, i am still insecure because

two months ago, i was sexually assaulted.

Depression is gradual,
It doesn't start off looking in the mirror and thinking 'I hate myself'
It's more like every day you get worse and worse until eventually you realize how many times a day you fake a laugh,
It's the times you wanted to curl up into a ball but instead you fake a smile and act normal.

Depression is not self harm,
It isn't defined by the number of scars you have or how deep they are,
It isn't the nights spent crying or how your home life is,
It's feeling tired all the time and having this hole in your chest that no amount of fake smiles can fill.
It's nights spent staring at a wall or constantly sleeping because nothing is worth doing.

Depression is not romantic,
It can't be cured with a few hugs and I love you's,
It isn't scars to be kissed or bruises to be caressed,
It's nights spent alone even when there are people beside you,
It's emptiness and realizing that all of those things you used to do, that you used to revel in, aren't worth it anymore.

Depression is real,
It isn't wanting attention or someone to tell you everything will be fine,
It isn't wearing short sleeves so people notice your scars or telling everyone how sad you are,
It is looking at the casket of one of your friends because we didn't notice it, because no one saw the signs,
It's a noose around your neck 24/7 because that's all you can think about,
It's emptiness and loneliness,
It's sleepless nights but sleep filled days,
It is the worst feeling in the world,
Depression is real and depression kills

Walking on this dark road back to the car, i feel happy but tired
Suddenly as i keep looking down to my feet with a hoodie over my head,
YOU pop up.
WHY you?
It felt like a arrow just hit my chest
i suddenly thought of u after a while of not having a single thought ,
I was on the edge of crying.
i shook my head, trying to stop myself.
I walked way ahead of everyone else just so they dont see my face and ask if i was ok.
NO IM NOT OK
Im glad one of the girls kept an eye on me and helped me slow down because idk where i was going and i wasnt thinking.
I just walked.
I could’ve done something stupid
Thanks to her i didnt.
I was forming fists with my hands.
I got to a dead end of this walk.
The girl held my arm gently then my hand and helped me get back on the right path.
i dont know her.
we just met.
i dont even know her name.
BUT she was nice.

WHY U GOTTA POP BACK UP?
UGH!
I HATE U!
I LOVE YOU!
OH MY GOD, I DONT KNOW ANYMORE!
I JUST WANNA GO HOME!