Recently, I've been feeling sad and alone.
I think it's mainly because I'm scared.
I'm scared that my past will come haunting me again.
I feel like I'm exaggerating but.. I'm not.
It felt like emotional abuse, mental abuse coming from someone you thought loved you, or.. At least they'd say they do, and then emotionally block you out, ignore you, blame you, make you feel like you're the problem, like everything is your fault..
And then you feel like you're going crazy.
I was mentally NOT okay..
I needed someone, but felt like I had no one
I have supportive friends, but it was still hard, or eventually, they'll get tired of you, too.
Eight months of feeling drained, tired, burnt out, feeling used, doing badly in school, my hair falling out, sleeping all day, my body constantly being in fight or flight mode, body aching, and going through changes, constant panic attacks.
I felt unheard, not loved. I was silenced, walking on eggshells, crying every day.
I lost myself to someone childish.
And well.. Because I love deeply, because I care and was hopeful. I'd say it's okay, he will change.
But now I'd never be able to get that old lover girl version of me back.
I've changed into someone who feels like they are too much and never enough.
I'm just scared to go back to all of that, to fall into that same emotional/mental state I used to be in. It was awful.
To feel like things I'd ask for was too much, that I was too much But I wasn't..
I was only asking for love, comfort, words of affirmation, to spend quality time together, to talk to one another, to have deep meaningful conversations, to connect on a deeper level of intimacy..But I mostly mean emotional connection to be able to understand each other to KNOW each other, but I guess that was too much right? Did it made you feel uncomfortable?
But you were okay with being intimate right? Touching my body, doing ****** things, even when I felt uncomfortable
But it wasn't okay to talk about our feelings right?, how we felt and the things that made us uncomfortable.
But it's okay, I'm just an idiot.
Sometimes I don't understand why I took you back when it was still hurting.
I still cry at night, I cry to your voice, I cry at the sight of you because it hurts, because I'm scared to be vulnerable with you again, I'm scared of getting used, I'm scared that you'll get drunk again and yell and speak to me harshly the way my drunken dad would to my mom.
It really hurts.
I just wanted to feel safe with someone who isn't scared of my emotions, someone who isn't scared to take care of me. I wanted to feel loved and feel known.
I wanted you to be the only person I needed in my life besides family.
But instead you made me feel so alone
I'm different now, I don't get as attached to you anymore, I don't ask for quality time anymore, I don't care if you'll be able to come see me or not. I don't care if you get mad at something I do.
I don't care if you ignore me, I don't care if you kiss me, hug me , give me flowers, because it's too late.
How do I know your being real? Genuine? honest? I don't..
Not After Everything.

I want to burn for you,
Like the sun does for life on Earth.
I want to you to orbit around me,
Like I am your whole world.
I want you to watch me set and rise,
and glow with my light.
I want to burn till there's nothing left,
and all you remember is the warmth of me.
Until you can't find what you need in others,
until you need me to breath.
Like we need our trees,
until other lovers stop satisfying you.
For in this universe, and every other.
I am meant to be yours,
As you are mine.
So don't ignore me,
or brighten around someone else.
They are not your sun.
I need you to live,
I need your salty pain rolling off my cheeks.
I need your burning love,
I need it until I can no longer breathe.
Please don't leave me, my darling,
I can't walk this world without you.
Your soul has a thorned grip around my heart;
it bleeds.
But the wounds still heal,
because the blood is proof of our strength.
We're still standing, together.
Hand in hand, even if I have to beg you to stay.

Do not leave me alone with a pen and a scrap of paper.
For I will bleed.
For my mind will spill through my eyes.
Eyes that have seen more than they should have in fifteen years

Do not leave me in the kitchen.
They say it’s the most romantic room in a house
In a home.
But this is not a home

So here I serve
I serve you dinner
Dinner with a pen and a knife.

you told me you were *******.... you said it like I meant so much to you, but I did know the truth, I know you probably say that to everyone, I was just the girl who was there that night, wrong place wrong time sort of thing.
you kept saying everything I wanted to hear, or everything you thought I wanted to hear.... but you were wrong, you were wrong when you said sorry about how I'm not with that guy anymore, when you held my hand or got me water, I was drunk, it was an opportunity that was to easy for you, you were wrong when you laughed and called me perfect, everything was so wrong....
those lies that leaked through your teeth were toxic to my bloodstream, I had heard them a million times
so you say your *******, that I'm different but I know it's a lie don't say your the one ******* when I feel like I'm gonna die.

Tu m’as montrée qui tu es
La chose la plus généreuse que tu n’as jamais pu me donner
Comme ça
J’ai su que je n’avais aucun autre choix
Autre que partir.

The blood on my hands has begun to dry,
Along with my eyes, no more tears to cry.
I did what I did, I don’t regret their demise,
So why do I feel so conflicted inside?
I go into the bathroom and walk to the sink.
I pour myself a cup and take a small drink.
While deep inside, I’m boiling to the brink.
And if I don’t let it out, I’m destined to sink.
I look in the mirror, and all I see,
Are two eyes freezing cold.
I don’t remember who’s staring back at me,
I’m still not used to this mold.
I used to be a coward,
My will to speak overpowered.
While everyone around spoke so loud,
I’d sit at my desk and not make a sound.
But I made a vow to speak louder,
No longer will I be a coward.
I’ll say what I mean and mean what I say,
I’ll be a good man to my dying days.
I’ll find my hill and make my stand,
Holding on tight with my bloodied hands.
I stare into my two cold eyes,
My guise overwhelming my surprise.
I wash the blood off my hands.
I hope this was worth it in the end.
Since it takes a lot to change an identity,
I gaze in the mirror at the new me.

you said
it would work out.

it didn’t.

i hate
that i knew
i’d be right.

you mock my pain,
cheering me on.
like —
for real.

i’m annoyed.
a bit hurt.
disappointed,
because my first attempt
didn’t work.

you tell me it’s okay —
when it’s not.
you say it’s an easy fix —
i know it is.
yet i sit in the grump,
because i wasted time,
energy,
looking forward to this.

if it’s a let-down,
you say, ten percent of it is.
i say, ninety —
so you argue,
i’m too pessimistic.

bite me.

Few dared to date Medusa,
For they feared being covered with contusions.
Those who did wore a blindfold to hide their eyes,
A blind date with fate and a disguise.

One of the braver men,
Who thought he could apprehend,
Medusa, his name was Trent.
He didn’t last long,
He took his blindfold off,
And like many before him,
He turned to stone and wasn’t heard from again.
Another challenger’s name was Wren,
Like the bird,
Medusa thought that was the strangest name she’d heard.
So, out of spite,
She reached across the table and exposed Wren’s eyes.
He gasped as his skin turned coarse,
Mouth open wider than a horse.
Medusa pushed him over,
Watched as he shattered,
And smiled to herself,
Even though she was lonelier than anyone else.

Medusa didn’t mean to be so cruel,
It was the consequences of her being used.
By a man to do things she didn’t want to do,
Unspeakable and terrible abuse,
She was the only one to lose.
So, she became a viper,
Her gaze became a noose.
Asphyxiation,
Righteous indignation.
She wouldn’t let herself be used again.

Finally, a man named Hunter arrived,
He tightened the blindfold around his eyes.
He sat across from Medusa, the table lit by candlelight,
She blushed, for he was quite a sight.
He reached across the table and shook her hand,
And he asked her if she had any plans.
She was taken aback, her mind rolling off the tracks,
Lost in a flashback, she babbled about tasks she had to do,
None of which was true.

Hunter laughed, a sound so sweet,
It made Medusa nearly fall out of her seat.
Was this the one she had been searching for?
Or was he just another liar?
Authenticity tends to hide,
Just like the scars Medusa had on her thighs.
One of her snakes whispered in her ear,
Advising her to ignore what she wanted to hear.
The snakes only wanted what was best,
But for whom? What was the purpose of their quest?

Hours passed by like comets,
First date turned into many happy moments.
Before Medusa could catch her breath,
Half a year had passed,
And Hunter had asked,
To see Medusa’s face.
She insisted that he didn’t,
But she knew he wouldn’t listen.
He lowered the blindfold,
As teardrops glistened,
Medusa thought she had just lost,
Her heart…

Hunter had heterochromia,
Left eye green, right eye a shimmering blue.
Medusa’s eyes were both red,
That pulsated in blossoming hues.
To both of their surprise,
Hunter didn’t turn to stone.
He captured her lips in a kiss,
Both of them were alone.
Medusa found the one who could see her,
She no longer had to hide.
Hunter loved Medusa,
It made her cry.

The world is filled with hurt people, like Medusa,
Who may push you away and leave you in contusions.
But underneath that deadly gaze,
Is a mountain of pain…