Glossy eyes and a glazed over smile.
Curled hair and an upbeat tone.
I walked up to you for what seemed like a mile.
Your eyes were down and you were on your phone.
I knew my name wasn’t in it so I had to take the chance.
You looked away.
Didn’t give me the time of day.
All I wanted to do was dance.

I saw you leave with him, but I wasn’t upset.
I tried my best but I wasn’t enough.
Its crazy how I can remember this now and still feel regret
All these years later I finally called your bluff.
Now you’re walking toward me in a wedding gown.
It’s impossible for me to frown.
But I still can’t help but drown and fight
The thought of you sleeping with him all those years ago
And I’ll never tell my brother about that night.

There are days when I remember this incident
the incident that made me stop trusting my own instinct
and start finding a way to make sure I'm happy.
This incident,
a letter
with the sheer mask of a love letter was
really actually a hate letter not directed towards me
but to the sender,
I find that every time I remember the incident
I remember the sheer terror and silent screams that
protruded my body,
I remember the buckets of tears I cried that night,
and I remember the space and time,
I remember how happy I was right before I opened that letter
and how it faded all too quickly.

I can't handle myself now a days but
this incident finds me at these moments and grasps me,
I remember it, always returning to tears and
I come to the conclusion that I don't share a lot about myself
and I remembered just today thinking
" I talk about myself a lot don't I?"
Well I don't, not really.
No one really knows how I felt in that moment except God himself,
not even now, the moment is too shrill to describe,
because it absolutely broke me.

She was Old Man River
Could I keep up?
Elle a été au-delà de ma portée
Could I touch the sun?
Notice the tense of my writing?
At the moment we travel an untouched
Road just we two, with the present time
And memories of the moment that I
Dared to touch the her burning star.
And we're looking forward to a future of
Many things that have gathered dust.
Where we thrive in engaging with
The forgotten, and the unlearned things
Of the unconquered hearts love.

there you are
hiding just outside the glow of the streetlamp
in the alley, waiting patiently

who were you Jack?
you maniac
when did your mind turn?
what twisted event led you here?
keep it under control Jack
I know, she's coming
I hear her footsteps too

was it in your childhood Jack?
did something happen...
beatings in the dark?
were those nightmares real?

why not give that blade to me and walk away...
please Jack...
Jack?
I know...you must
it is what you are...
addiction is a terrible thing

are you ready Jack?
I hear your heart pounding
now make pleasant conversation,
slowly raise the blade as she eats the cherries
very good Jack
now watch as the life slowly leaves her stark, staring eyes
wait for the breathing to cease...
there...now you can go to work
you've left your mark once more
and you are fixed again

who were you Jack?
you maniac

Watching from beyond, writing their little notes.
Look behind the brainstem and see the past perfect present tense.
You thought about it and I heard it. We grabbed the thoughts.
New bones and muscle.
All the different ones, all the same thoughts pulsing, like brain radar bounding back.
They're of me. they're in me.
But he is not.
The serpent retains it's form but it stays inside. It blinds my dreams.
No escape, let craving; an eternal void.
As it all becomes one form and function. We join. We are the new being, hideous and beautiful.
I think he has taken my soul. I probably wasn't using it anyway.
I am his disguise.

Tensions settle, stir
Slewing ink air into a blur
In the miraculous concord
Before the storm;
Ice hot and warm.

Lights in the skies glint
Not quite menacing, but a hint
In a grimacing, starry light
Mars is bright tonight.
Its bright, *tonight

My shoulders are tense
hands nervous
silence is air- constant and needed

right now
silence is smog
seizing my lungs
demanding on my eyes

my mind, frantic
tells my eyes not to surrender
amongst this deafing silence
people are all around

I must
relax and breathe
wait,
for sound is invetiable - abrubt but equilibrium
it is true- life is about
the smiles and the frowns

I don't know if I can feel love anymore.
I know that there's many people who care a lot about me,
but I don't know where the warm fuzzy feeling in my chest went.
I only feel pain.
I only feel my ghosts replace the air in my lungs with poison,
as they curl up inside me, so I can't breathe.

I don't know if I can feel relaxed anymore.
I know there are times where I'm not completely tense,
but I don't know how to relax my shoulders,
because they're always tensed up to protect me.
I only feel anxiety gripping me tighter everyday.
I only feel fuzzy, not in my heart, but in my head.

I don't know what happened to the good feelings,
because all I feel is pain.

When I see you
I fall so deep.
When I love you
I began to weep.

When I first lost you
I began to flee
When I finally found you
I jumped into you with glee.

When I realized I loved you
I was scared
When I found my way
I started to think.

When I think
My thoughts are jumbled.
When they are jumbled
I don't know what to expect.

When I'm dazed off
I'm calm
When I'm calm
Im also tense

When things go down hill
I think and think until I feel sick
When I think to much
I start to go.........

*When i hear your voice
I hear my favorite songs
And sometimes i have to sing you
All day long

When i feel you in my arms
I'm snug within our bed
And then time to walk away
Is the only time i dread