Is this the life you really want?
Meaningless meeting, awkward proceedings;
You cower behind your digital courage
In attempt to quench your thirst.

Is this the life you really want?
Bingeing a liquid just to prohibit:
Life, loneliness, and everything
From breaking down your door.

-

Where were you when he hit me?
Where were you when he touched me?
All these wounds they tear me down
And you insist to trust thee?

Overdoses, drugs, and ***
I'm comatose in my own skin
If you really are the vine,
Where has your lifeline been each time?

I'm reaching out into the darkness
Cause grasping sin is more than nothing
If you demand my love and trust,
Why are you so hesitant to show me something?

I've got flesh fueled desires
That don't fume under fire
They stay buried underneath my skin
Like dormant geysers;
Of sin and rejection
I'm busy with my complexion
While I'm rotting to the core with ignorant self-deception.

Pride says, "look at who you'll become!"
Greed says, "look at all that you'll get"
Lust says, "look at who you can use"

The temptations of this unholy trinity
seep in to ****** such a soul as this
stubbornly wanting to give in
when

Humility exhorts, "this is not about you"
Moderation teaches, "you do not need all this"
and Love preaches

"Give yourself away
Deny yourself
Crucify this flesh
Pick up your cross"

Love says
"Look at the lives you can save with your very own"

Love says
"What can I do for you?"

To Polina, my anchor, through all my lives

Between dawn and dusk
on the precipice
in shades of scarlet
stood a magnificent house

Strangers and I were enthralled
by the neon red foyer where
Francesca and Paolo welcomed us
to the house of a thousand doors

Each door an invitation
to delicious desire
each room a seduction
of perilous passion

One door opened —
three bare women holograms
drank from a small lake and
brandished wicked, feline smiles

At my feet a church of cardinals
glowing with tears, heat and sweat
whimpered in their prayers
but the pope watched from afar.  

He speaks—
the mouth at once is an eye, an abyss
and a hurricane from Pandora's box

Then I am I no more — a cardinal in crimson —
but no shame or guilt guides me
when blood-red lips land on mine

"Do you not see
there is equal courage
equal purity
in giving
into
temptation—
the kind
that appals the devil
to revel
in the hurt, the open wounds,
and the agony
to dive deep—
into the depths
and say all the yeses
to embrace the darkest demons
of your soul?

Enter—
and you shall find
hell or heaven within yourself."

----

Naked from my mother's womb I came
not a sin to my name, so insignificant
Naked from my father's bones I came
Little Eve was born an innocent


Adam walked around like he was the first man on Earth
He called himself the image of God, tried to diminish my worth
You tried to tempt me as a snake but now I'm on alert
No matter what you say you're still made from the dirt

Welcome to the Garden of Eden!
We tried as hard as possible, its still filled with heathens
Look at Adam, look at Eve
Won’t be long now till they’re forced to leave

Since I saw you,
I've had this hope live in me.
That everything that isn't needed be gone.
The details of sales papers, shopping carts.
The ease of temptation.
Standing still.
To fill my cart full of things I don't need.
Coffee rings, free samples.
The debris of reality.
Strings and paper slings around baked goods.
Shopping around facedown.
Pushing the cart row after row.
The things on sale.
The pings of the register.
Splints that aren't necessarily the object we've come face to face with.
Jamaican ***.
Our fingerprints used in vain
The residue from coffee pots and things we've touched.
Bottled, sealed tight.
Fresh water springs.
Still we pursue.
I pursue.
Your carefree sensibility.
I've walked every row in search.
Where have you gone,
Withdrawn

"Should have known it was contagious like a sickness.
But I'm not sure if I want the vaccination for this.
Do I suffer from it like Hell? Do I try to rid it and get well?
All it took was a inhale of scent. Paralyzed.
All it took was a taste. Sterilized.
All it did was drop me to the floor. Flatlined.
All I did was beg for more after I would die..
Infected High. "

Love is, fools may say,
As a warm, softened kitten,
Mewing pitifully.
Gods-men may say it is the snake,
Poised venomously in the tree of knowledge,
Tempting gleefully into sin.
Some say it is a peacock,
Strutting high upon its perch,
But running away at the drop of a pin.
I say it is the owl,
Flying above on wings of terror,
And its glowing eyes turn to the grass,
To swoop down and
devour
that
***.

Some days sobriety is easy
I can feel the strength I carry in me
Bare my scarred arms for all to see
Happy with who I am turning out to be
Resilient in the face of adversity
Thanks to peace of mind and clarity
I'm staying busy; like a bumblebee
Filling my time with things that bring me glee
Like my boyfriend, close friends, and family
Along with plenty of activities
Like exercise and my favorite hobby
Turning my thoughts into poetry
I find confidence in a cup of tea
Every day I gain more energy
I even get up and do chores frequently
My hair and makeup I attend to daily
I've unlocked the door to joy; love is the key
At last my spirit feels weightless and free

HOOK:
I love how the sky looks when it's blue
But it is just as pretty grey and cloudy too
Abstinence is a crooked path, hard to navigate
The road to recovery is beautiful but seldom straight

Other days are really hard
Wake up to a sky black and dark
No light can be seen, not one star
My resolve starts breaking, shard by shard
When I can barely lift my head
Much less drag myself out of bed
And the rain outside seems to have no end
That's when I feel the urge to use again
Disappointed, let down by ones who are close
Alone when I need comfort the most
Thoughts spin in circles, craving a dose,
World crashing down, I almost
Give into the shadows and do something gross
Thinking "How much dope do I need to overdose?"
Even break down and pick up my phone
Start to dial a number that to me is well known
I deleted it but it's still in my mind
Guess I couldn't leave all my past behind
But before I complete the call
I picture my mom's face and I fall
Onto my knees, weakly I crawl
Until I am against the wall
I sob and choke on tears as I bawl
Curled up into a pathetic ball
Then I decide today will not be the day
I text my old dealer "I'm on the way."
I won't give in or go astray
If I can push through this i will be okay
I'm strong enough to stay clean at least I am today
Determined to keep walking the right pathway
And manifest the positive words I say
Impulses I'm no longer compelled to obey
See my strength and hang their heads in dismay
I evict my urges, now they have no place to stay

HOOK

Some days my steps are filled with laughter and gain
Other days the path teems with temptation and pain
The walk will get bumpy but in sunshine and in rain
I'll keep making progress no matter how rough the terrain.

A moth drawing near towards the flame
The fire attracts her seamless wings
She goes, she flies, without a hint of shame

"Beautiful things must be known," she said
But beautiful things can leave you in dread

Still she comes close
Closer to that enticing, dancing flame

Flies behind
And back and forth

She moves her wings to fill enough gap
To feel the heat, and the warmth
Yet safe from that vicious sap