Clench me by the throat
And throw me down to hell
Maybe that’s where I belong
‘Cause I ain’t doing well

Your words dig into me like knives
But I’ve got many scars
Beat me ******, beat me bruised
And take me to the stars

Dig your nails into my spine
Then tell me it’s for love
Tell me I’m your entire world
Then crush my mourning dove

Tell me I was your beautiful rose
But I pricked you with a thorn
Tell me I was your shimmering stars
Then leave my petals torn

Chew me up then spit me out
Because we could never fit
But when I find a new shimmering sun
You’ll feel like absolute ****.

What do you mean?
"This is on you"-Me?!
Who, rode in gallantly (knight in shining armour my ***)
Swept me away,
then has the *****-
To say

"It didn't mean a thing."
**** this ring
you
and everything love brings.

I look back at all I wrote about the boy who played baseball. Who had three dogs, now four. Who was the only boy out of four sisters. Who says "God isn't real" because he lost his dad at age 12. Who was so handsome.

We've been apart for a year or so and I couldn't be happier. I hope he's happy too. He's in college now, the college I'm going to in August; funny how things work out.

But I don't miss him. I haven't missed him in a long, long time.

I remember when I thought that I loved him. That he was the one. That because he told me we were going to get married one day, that actually were.

I never loved him the way you love the one. But I did love him, in a way. I don't regret him breaking up with me. I only regret telling him "it's okay" through choked sobs and invalidating my feelings. I regret hating him for so long for breaking my heart then trying to date one of my best friends not even three months later.
I shouldn't have been mad, not really.

But now, since the summer, I realized what I had been missing for years. That my best friend---funny, strange, sweet, blonde mop top---was the one I'm supposed to be with. Maybe I'm being naive and getting ahead of myself, thinking that he is the one. Maybe I too easily think people are the one. But this love I have never experienced before, and it's so magical.

Maybe this one will end up in flames like every other one.
Maybe this one will end up with a queen sized mattress and sweet love-making in mid-morning.
I can't see the future, but God, I wish I would have stopped ******* around and asked him out years ago. Instead of dancing around each other; snuggling, holding hands, napping together, for years. Knowing that I liked him, but was too afraid to act.

I was so dumb.
I am still so dumb.
But I couldn't be happier with how life is right now.

When I cry, In the dark.
Am I considered a shark?
A beast, A inhuman being,
Who isn't more then they are seeing.
Am I an evil soul,
Not deserving Love or TLC?
In my Fragile moments,
Am I allowed to succumb to feelings?
Am I witch, A ***
For not being a *****, or bad?
Am I, an idiot or ****
For not agreeing with the 'popular' every little bit?
Do I deserve to die?
For trying not to cry.
Do you know I try to die?
Every morning, every night.
I bring out my knife.
Place it against my skin

And Cry for all thats lost.

A WKD bottle and
Pizza slices on the table
Everybody waiting in anticipation
For that beat to drop
Holding each other
In a circle
Arms around each others waist
Smiles spreading laughter
As the magic
Creates swearing and shouts
Somebody's guts
Flushed down the sink
In cleaning products
Shots being taken
Faces pulled
As they squeal for the burning to leave
*Time to go home.

The stagnant watch of passerbyers
Penetrated with a needing of closure and a surrounding of homeliness
Words laced together in an order not distinguished
Without a sense of security and faith
It shatters and the phrase is broken
Just like everything else in the world and everything else that is just
But nothing is just
Nothing is certain
Burning. Molding. Changing
Life is not certain but it is meaningful
Only to those who can find meaning
In the pieces left behind by those before them
Who have created havoc
Who have created *******
Who have created falseness
Who are damaged
Who are wanting
Faith has created life
Faith has destroyed life
But get on your knees
Pray. Worship. Lie.
Nothing to save you
Nothing to save you
A bunch of fuckery
Myths all tied together
None is real
Suffering is imminent
Life is imminent
The passerbyer walks
With disappointment

Doing what I do best, while I ball my eyes out.
I'm seeing blurred lines for real this time.
And as I grabbed a blade, I just couldn't cut.
So I balled a fist, and just couldn't hit.
I found a rope, tied it up like girl scouts,
And you know what they say:
IF THE NOOSE ******* FITS.

A million times I've wondered,
What writing a suicide note feels like.
And maybe this is it,
Because as I scrawl these words,
I feel my still beating heart
DYING IN MY CHEST.

Imagine your greatest love,
Now stand it on a stool,
Give it a piece of paper, a pen, and a piece of rope.
Now tell it you love it, so much it ******* HURTS,
And then watch it write it loves you too,
And jump off the stool FEET FIRST.

But the rope breaks,
Now you're crying, screaming at the sky,
YOU SAID I HAD A PURPOSE,
WAS IT ALL A ******* LIE?!

Is this what you wanted for your grand ******* PLAN?
Now I'm a crazy *******, talkin' to the man upstairs.
While he sits and he watched me crumble inside-out,
If you wanted me broken then you've done it,
ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?

No.
I'm not done, I lean right back into it, because while you may be happy,
I'M IN ******* RUINS.

I can't settle for no, it isn't my vocabulary, and so I write:
Dear Dear Diary,
I've been beaten and bruised,
Choked and abused,
But what is this sickening, tightening feeling...

I'll take a slit throat over slit dreams anyway,
A stab in the brain before a stab in the heart,
So go ahead, punch me, hurt me, cut me, **** me.
But don't take away what keeps me **BREATHING