Philip K. What The ****.
It's here. Has been. In a fad.
I sit in a slit.

The calm of industrial evenings.
Back to the industry?
I never left.

You get clean. I get stuck.
Not that I never did want.
Cracks exist in everything.
Brief gaps in taken space.

Every crack leads from toe to head.
Every crack feeds on dusty crumbs.

All the little thing that I miss are found within the crevasses of my mind. The way the sun reflected on the water and the way it felt like I’d never die. That night the low tide was made by the gentle lapsing waves. I didn’t know what was next; that was the way I wanted to live. I had plans to be and plans to see, laying each night with a new lover beneath me. Craving a life with a new direction, still knowing Ontario would always be home to me. The cliffs were like wise hands gently pushing me to realize where I needed to be. Those city lights carved around our bodies, setting the mood as you loved me in the night. As I’ve grown, those waving streets felt like sweet memories of home. 15 hours away I sat drunk in the bay. In the woods there was a strange man living how I envied, he made me realize where I stood. I’m being called to take my place but 2 more years is what’s keeping me from my fate. I move with hope and impatience but I’ve learned to slow down so these memories can keep me sane.

scared to touch
these feelings
so I'll just watch them
float away
like a bubble
wonder about life
being alone
so used to it
but so uncomfortable
pity the mirror that reflects me
who wants to be scared
who wants to be alone
who makes the choice I made
to amputate your own heart
sometimes I still play make believe
except this time
my bed is a casket
not a pirate ship
and I won't have to get up
tomorrow morning
and face the same day
that was faced yesterday
and today
I'm worn to my bones
my bones worn to marrow
cannot stand anymore
so just sit on the floor
weak
weeping quietly
should I drink or should I ****
I hide both from the ones I love
until the feelings disappear
and let in the jealousy
that they get to float away
while I stay grounded
too scared to
let it all go

life smears ache quick
though lusciously repulsive
the storm lathers you bitter
with a thousand tiny licks
of mad honey worship

Eyes ache with loads of uncried tears
As my chest caves with the weight of
A heart that can't live freely
I just want to live
I want to be alive
I want to be free in this life
To have one at all
Because I'm so stuck right now
Trapped behind my own mind
And I'm grateful that it's protected me
But I am safe now
I don't need such high security
I don't need to be on guard with everyone
It's ok to be afraid and to not trust
But it doesn't help if I can't open up
I feel so alone
Yet I maintain that same state
I have people that truly care and love me
But I don't let them see me
My mind doesn't want to be vulnerable
It thinks others will see it as a weakness
And the weakest are the easiest to break
I'm afraid to get hurt again
I can't handle becoming another target
Which is extremely ironic considering
I'm the one the aiming the gun
At the most genuine piece of my soul

Fear stricken
Lungs ridden
Here we stand
Forever stuck in this shallow abyss
~ mehek

Paper. Pen.
    Let's write out our feelings.
    "I'm having a rough time."
Cell phone
Online recipes.
    I should cook that soon.
Hotel websites.
    Free breakfast? Eh I'm vegan now so just fruit.
    Swimming pool? I'm sure it'll be busy
    Fitness center. Leo wants to run in the morning.
    Booked. Could be a good night.
Paper. Pen.
    Right. Writing.
    "I can tell journaling is helpful
    because I'm resistant to doing it."
Text messages.
    Leo thinks they were too mean to me.
    I think I deserve it.
    I love you.
Paper. Pen.
    Hm. I should write some poetry.
Photos.
    Wow look at how my face has changed, let's make a collage.
    Oo what else.
    Body pictures.
    Pre-surgery picture.
    Damm I've really sculpted up.
    Reconsiders feeling gross physically.
    Arguable.
Paper. Pen.
    How easy it is to ignore you.
    How easy it is to ignore myself
    And not listen to my feelings.

i never finish
i only begin
feelings turn to ink
i let it sink in

i hope the words
will find their way
and lead me to the end

but whether hand or heart
i tire out
and begin again