i let myself
slip away

get lost
in other people's
words
thoughts

i fell out
of my purse
or forgot myself
in the pocket
of my winter coat
a suspicious
feeling
something
(not sure what)
was missing

it's easy
to get trapped
in a screen
a mental box of
scrolling
mindlessly
drifting
away my weekends

so easy
to forget
meaning
is so often
simply found
in creating

it's been
hard lately

i've been coming
to terms with
my mental state
for ten years
and i'm still not
satisfied

in knowing i can't
change this
can't fix myself
and that maybe
the drugs don't
even work

it's not
working

this is not
working

"no drugs
no therapy
just raw-*******
reality"

it's funny
until it's not

it's funny
until the darkness
starts creeping
its way behind
my ears and
muffling reality

it's funny
until i get drunk
funny til i
relapse

(i hate saying relapse
as if slicing open
my own skin to
calm down is
some kind of
addiction i can't break
because it's not
i don't have to do this)

it's funny until
it's not funny anymore

it's funny until i get
dragged under into
apathy by my
mental to-do list

message my doctor
about the meds
i stopped taking
two weeks ago

and call the other doctor
to get seen about that chronic
blood condition that almost
killed me that one time

call about the
iud
call about the
tattoo
call about the
driving lessons
call about the
rest of my life

i'm spiraling again
different time
different place
same looping
descent into
my own madness