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Reality;
The beautiful and terrifying duality of light and darkness,
the necessary and cruel inescapable cycle of life and death.
When the world goes too still I become afraid to think.
Silence distracts me from my distractions;
It pounds against my skull demanding access to my consciousness,
hauling a trojan horse of thoughts and feelings I never want to let in.
Sighh...idk how people meditate
And with that wound to the heart born of cruel enlightenment -
I am affected, and afflicted, to find that He has finally decided to love another.

Who might She be, so superior to me?
How beautiful, Ethereal, Godly must she appear to Him?
Whom could never suffice to provide,
how lowly then am I?

I surmised as engaged that which was nothing but courteous exchange.
His pity shed for foolish me, anguished for His affections,
I was so simple and narcissistic, to imagine any potential ever living.

With that, I am crushed by the weight of a deserved but savage modesty.
How insignificant to His life, diminutive, unworthy must I be?
The sinister sentiment - that He has chosen not only not me, but She - devours all sureness of self and all of my esteem.

Spiteful as I am, I will deny Him tears.
I will cease gratifying such an immense ego and perchance depart with some pieces of dignity.
It is so hard, despite it so long since His immensity last gratified me.

He will never realize the plague on me He's infected,
Never witness the wounds on me He's inflicted,
Never recognize the hopeful heart He's afflicted.

After all this time, perhaps I've accepted that when I come back to You I meet Defeat.
This time, instead, perhaps I take what's left of myself and leave.
Perhaps, I beg, perhaps...
We'll see.
And with that wound to the heart born of cruel enlightenment -
I am affected, and afflicted, to find that He has finally decided to love another.

Who might She be, so superior to me?
How beautiful, Ethereal, Godly must she appear to Him?
Whom could never suffice to provide,
how lowly then am I?

I surmised as engaged that which was nothing but courteous exchange.
His pity shed for foolish me, anguished for His affections,
I was so simple and narcissistic, to imagine any potential ever living.

With that, I am crushed by the weight of a deserved but savage modesty.
How insignificant to His life, diminutive, unworthy must I be?
The sinister sentiment - that He has chosen not only not me, but She - devours all sureness of self and all of my esteem.

Spiteful as I am, I will deny Him tears.
I will cease gratifying such an immense ego and perchance depart with some pieces of dignity.
It is so hard, despite it so long since His immensity last gratified me.

He will never realize the plague on me He's infected,
Never witness the wounds on me He's inflicted,
Never recognize the hopeful heart He's afflicted.

After all this time, perhaps I've accepted that when I come back to You I meet Defeat.
This time, instead, perhaps I take what's left of myself and leave.
Perhaps, I beg, perhaps...
We'll see.
Sarah Richardson Dec 2021
Drifting down the sidewalk,
I trip on a crack and I fall.
My arms won't work anymore,
Seems they can't lift me this time.

Or maybe,
They don't want to.

What's really up there for me anyway?
It's not too bad down here,
I'm tired,
And it's better than falling down again.

I'll be okay here.
I'll be okay.
Depression, existentialism, existential, mental health, hope, giving up, sad
Sarah Richardson Dec 2021
Don't allow yourself to close your eyes;
To sleep or rest, to look away.
You see, you know,
They all lied to you.

Existence;
Immersed in it's ambiguities.
Meaningless suffering,
Life is unjust.

Left behind.
Drowning in real
Refusing to ignore,
It's killing you.

It is all truly there,
It is all that there is.
Onerous to accept it.
You're creating a war with a reality
Who only seeks to destroy.

Nearly lost elation,  
Thoughts transmitted in times of joy,
Hope at times afforded.
Faint memories of it will linger,
Just try to hold on.

-

You think so highly of such a lowlife as yourself,
Or are you it?
Are you it?
Sarah Richardson Apr 2021
How far will you bend before you break?
How much more of this will you take?
When it's all over, I wonder,
What kind of sound might you make?

How far will you let me go?
And at what point will you say no?
Can you tell me that it will it always be because I said so?

Do I even need this, how could I know?
I'm not sure what it is,
but I want it.
I want it all to myself.
I really want it,
Until I don’t.

You'll try to keep me but you won’t.
I am too me for you.
Maybe one day you’ll realize, while sifting through romanticized memories, that just like me, you’ve always been alone.

Do you still think about me?
Do you still watch my movements?
Are you still obsessed with an illusion?
-
You would hurt me, but not if I hurt you first.
-
I thought you saw me,
It seems I'm still a ghost
-

What kind of love do you think you could take, when you want someone to be crazy for you, but not be insane?
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