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Cannot see what I see,
Do not know what I mean.
What it all means, yet,
I am the demeaned.

Willfully plow into the depths,
Destroyed by its contents.
Yes, I’m sad,
Yes, I’m sad.

Cannot allow myself to close my eyes;
To sleep or rest,
To look away.
To see everything,
To know,
Is all.

Nearly forgotten elation,  
Those thoughts transmitted in times of joy.
Hope at times afforded.  
Faint memories linger,
Try to grasp.

Expand beyond minds,
Escape this medieval frontier.
Human nature;
Is what I desire,
What I crave.
Unification;
Singularity,
What I desire,
What I crave.
Cannot clutch,  
Not yet time.

Primitive,
So primitive.
Only human,
Who’s to blame?

Elevate us pathetic **** sapiens,
The Gods are laughing.
Pray to the intelligence,
The One.

Existence;
Immersed in it's ambiguities.
Meaningless suffering,
Life is unjust.

It is all truly there,
It is all that there is.
Onerous to accept it.
War with reality,
It seeks to destroy.
Onerous to accept it.

Do I long to live?
Do I long past tonight?
Where is everyone going?
What can they see?
What do they gain?

Left behind.
Drowning in real
Refusing to ignore,
Dying to explore.
Dying... to explore.
I can't take anymore.


-
Think so highly of such a lowlife as myself,
Or am I it?
Am I it?
Am I it?
How far can it bend until it breaks?
How much more can it take?
What kind of sound will it make?

What will you let me do?
How far will you let me go?
At what point will you say no?
It’s only because I said so.

Do I even want this?
How could I know?
What is this?
I don’t know.
But I want it
I want it all to myself
I really want it.
Until I don’t.

Want to keep me but you won’t
Want to love me but you don’t
It’s too far above you  

What kind of love do you think you really need,
when you want someone to be crazy for you, but not be crazy?

What kind of love do you think that you could take?
When you want someone to be crazy for you, but not be insane?

We can’t know pleasure without pain
Lose the tether and go insane
Don’t really care it’s all the same
Lose this battle, lose the game.

I am too free for you
You can’t grasp
You’ll never touch
I am too me for you

One day you’ll realize you’re alone without me
Do you think about me?

Watching your movements
Obsessed with an illusion

Didn’t you see what I did?
Did our minds even touch?

Made from the same dust
Only in that can I trust

I thought you saw me,
It seems I'm still a ghost
Sarah Richardson Oct 2020
Seeing it again
That innocent view
Undisturbed eyes
Bright, clear and new
Open

Feeling it again
Pastures of grass and light
Butterflies as fairies
Magic is true sight
It feels so good

To be open
To feel alive
Excited to be alive

I am human
Imperfect naive little human
But it's so hard to Be
I have to give us some sympathy
This is a frightening journey
But I am doing it

Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here

This experience is art
My Life is a symphony
The human experience an exhibition
It's all so tragic and beautiful
I love it

Thankful
Prouder
Stronger
Open
Here
Sarah Richardson Oct 2020
I can't pick up the phone today
I am too unstable
Afraid of the other line, the other side
How are you
Who are they
To me
I have nothing to say to anyone
Nothing anyone will hear
I can't answer the phone today
I live in fear

What is it to be okay
What does it look like
To be well
Safe secure and stable
I dream about it
But the dream is only awake when
I am asleep

And I sleep, and sleep, and sleep
Sarah Richardson Oct 2020
I can't imagine anything else
It feels pointless to try
I was given this
Whatever it is
Everything it is
Painful, scary, heartbreaking
Sometimes beautiful
Beautiful enough to keep me here

Continue,
Continue

There might be more
Something good
Holding out for magic
Things I felt when I was young
Before reality was cement
It feels like lifetimes ago
Ancient pain
Ancient fear and guilt and shame
I can't distinguish now from then
I am wrapped up in it
Trapped by it and caged by it
Changed by it
Chained to it
Is living truly to suffer
I see that now

Continue,
Continue
Sarah Richardson Feb 2020
Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping, and dreaming.

How did I get here?
I thought one escapes in evening
Yet, tonight I am still here,
But as always I am sleeping.

Turn off the light
Pause the music of time,
And worlds unfold beneath my eyes.

I feel them as if they were pressing upon my skin.
I taste them as if they coated my tongue.
I see them as if they are inches ahead of me.
I know them as real and not,
But real, and not?

Then morning.

Here I am again.
Waking, moving, thinking, and speaking,
Loving, seeking, hoping and breathing.

I was there.
But where?
Not really here, nor there.
But somewhere.

Where I am now?
Here.
Again.
And again.
What is real?
Sarah Richardson Sep 2017
Time blesses and curses
Creates and destroys
Carries, slows down
Scares
Tortures and rushes and drags
Scars

Always looking forward,
The future and it’s alluring suggestions.
Walk the linear belt of time
Towards that light at the end of this tunnel,
A place to rest.

It's moving farther away
Dimmer now
I can't remember why I move
Turn backwards, lost
Time snickers
Apathetic

Given up.

In boredom I look down.
For the first time I simply observe where I am,
the ground is shining.
Light rays pierce the soil,
casting arrangements on the tunnel's ceiling like stars.
There must be something below.
Dig until my fingers are raw
Nothing,
soil rises up, takes the place of progress.
Resigning.

A light show above me.
The mesmerizing patterns create movies in my mind.
World beneath me begins to move,
The soil is swallowing me.
I don't resist and I don't want to, I feel...good.  

When I come to my eyes adjust to the most luminous imagery I have ever seen.
Glimmering suns, flowers of colors unimaginable, grasses of greens and dew reflecting rainbows. Birds of paradise cascade overhead, my ears can taste their music like honey.
Time can’t find me here because it doesn’t exist.
This is the present. This is the moment. I laugh, and I laugh and I laugh. I’m happy and I was always here. I was always here.
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