Amused

I'm sitting in this black chair,
I find my way here all on my own,
It's just that place that,
I find clarity,

It's a wonderful feeling,
When I look back to a point,
That I had no cares,
As to what people thought,
But now it's my bane..

Like seriously I can't help myself,
In out in public drowning in Weary,
I bring myself up so high,
Then social anxiety kicks me off the cliff,

I want to be human,
But yet when I'm alone I just feel alienated by everyone,
I can't  handle,
Me,myself and I  

# Paul R Hensley |||

My thoughts are always going.
They show no sign of slowing.
They crowd around me.
They don't plan on letting me go free.
They need some sort of payment.
I pay with my own solitary confinement.
I'm locked away.
So here I have to stay.
Locked in my room every day.
My thoughts say that if I go out.
There will be no doubt.
That I will regret this breakout.
My thoughts make sure I know that this is a crime.
I decide to go, just this one time.
My thoughts won't let me speak.
I manage to get out a squeak.
And to my thoughts' delight.
It seems my thoughts were right.

There's magic
Between discomfort and perfection
That moment you have faked it
Perfect charismatic facade
Chatter
Feeling
Smiles
Questions
Jokes
Oh, the constant conversation
Parties
Church
School
Work
Family
Pretending in its purest from
There is a formula for people
And I have found it
Charming it's called
Hell it feels
And beautiful they say
I'm dying
I want to be alone
Don't touch me
Hugs feel like bad compliments in the dark
And talking for hours makes my face hurt
Oh, people
Why do we do this?
Social beings
Barely being social
That's my game
There's my Magic
It's a lie

''Many asked me why I would sit
in the corner of a room full of people.
That it is the reason the feeling
of loneliness overpowered my soul.
And as I was telling I had never
seen the corner of the room,
they had forgotten about me.''

Sometimes my mind runs,
so my feet walk.
My brain is an unsorted file,
and my body is a disconnected server.
There are moments in life where I am so in love with it all that I cry.
Moments when I am so upset, I laugh.
I can not fully understand the loops that my mind takes
over and over.
But I still ride along them.
When I was younger, I use to be so scared of the mess in my brain.
But the truth is,
I am full of clutter.
I am the home of loved objects that is messy,
and lived in.
I am a cloud of multiple thoughts
that lead me to sing at the wrong times.
Love harder than I should.
Feel every emotion at once.
We are all cluttered boxes.
I promise you,
you are messy
but full of love.
And I promise you,
we will all be pulled
from the attic
and taken
back home.

It becomes exhausting to come up with some ******* statement to intrigue thee. I'm not the everyday "raconteur" of great stories or jolly experiences. To be honest with each and every individual I meet about the struggles I face would take the courage I don't have. So I avoid the situation all together.

What does it mean to **** at adulting?

The question I despise the most upon meeting relatives or friends of family is...

"So what are your future plans?" i.e. (What are your accomplishments that will delight me? What are your goals? How much money are you making out of this?) I agree in which it's quite a bold matter to address, but the question ***** the life RIGHT out of childhood.

That's when I know I **** at adulting.

I repulse the means to grow up and get my **** together. Some would characterize it as extreme laziness, carelessness or even stupidity. But most times I feel as though if you don't understand the challenges I face, you wouldn't understand my dilemma.

Don't even think about it...
No. Don't say a thing.
It's stupid anyway and
nobody cares anyway.
Seriously. Shut up.
Your mind is too loud.
Your thoughts are annoying
to them. So. That's that.
If you speak your mind...
People will;  
Look at you strangely,
Think you are stupid,
Tell you to take your meds.
You worry too much.
Don't freak out.
Freak out internally,
but don't do that either.
Smile. Don't smile too big.
Worry. Don't Worry too much.
But do. But don't. But do.
Calm the **** down...

Hello there!
It’s me, your prize-winning, intellectual, “gifted” brain!
I’m here to tell you that everything you’re doing is wrong.
Remember that conversation that you thought went well?
You’re wrong. Think again.

Oh, and also, all of your friends secretly hate you.
You annoy them all.
In fact, the apparitions probably lurking around the corner hate you too.
And they have weapons.

Also, you should probably just give up on life.
I mean, you’re a terrible person.
Honestly, I can’t tell you a single good thing about yourself.
How do you ignore the fact that everyone hates you?

One more thing.
Are you suuuuuure your God is real?
Because I’m not.
And… even if he is, you kind of **** as a believer and as a person anyways, so you’re kind of *******.

Well, nice chatting with you!
Go on. Have a good day!
And don’t forget what I told you…