I take the first sip
then take a deep breath
A sigh of relief
Reassurance of my comfort zone

My head is quiet
I feel alive
I feel everything
Everything feels great

It's a few sips later
I feel a pain, the pain
Just under my right breast
I am killing myself and I can't stop it

Some days sobriety is easy
I can feel the strength I carry in me
Bare my scarred arms for all to see
Happy with who I am turning out to be
Resilient in the face of adversity
Thanks to peace of mind and clarity
I'm staying busy; like a bumblebee
Filling my time with things that bring me glee
Like my boyfriend, close friends, and family
Along with plenty of activities
Like exercise and my favorite hobby
Turning my thoughts into poetry
I find confidence in a cup of tea
Every day I gain more energy
I even get up and do chores frequently
My hair and makeup I attend to daily
I've unlocked the door to joy; love is the key
At last my spirit feels weightless and free

HOOK:
I love how the sky looks when it's blue
But it is just as pretty grey and cloudy too
Abstinence is a crooked path, hard to navigate
The road to recovery is beautiful but seldom straight

Other days are really hard
Wake up to a sky black and dark
No light can be seen, not one star
My resolve starts breaking, shard by shard
When I can barely lift my head
Much less drag myself out of bed
And the rain outside seems to have no end
That's when I feel the urge to use again
Disappointed, let down by ones who are close
Alone when I need comfort the most
Thoughts spin in circles, craving a dose,
World crashing down, I almost
Give into the shadows and do something gross
Thinking "How much dope do I need to overdose?"
Even break down and pick up my phone
Start to dial a number that to me is well known
I deleted it but it's still in my mind
Guess I couldn't leave all my past behind
But before I complete the call
I picture my mom's face and I fall
Onto my knees, weakly I crawl
Until I am against the wall
I sob and choke on tears as I bawl
Curled up into a pathetic ball
Then I decide today will not be the day
I text my old dealer "I'm on the way."
I won't give in or go astray
If I can push through this i will be okay
I'm strong enough to stay clean at least I am today
Determined to keep walking the right pathway
And manifest the positive words I say
Impulses I'm no longer compelled to obey
See my strength and hang their heads in dismay
I evict my urges, now they have no place to stay

HOOK

Some days my steps are filled with laughter and gain
Other days the path teems with temptation and pain
The walk will get bumpy but in sunshine and in rain
I'll keep making progress no matter how rough the terrain.

Mistakes are teachers
Life lessons learned
Unseen doors opened
From bridges burned

Allies turn enemies
Friends become foe
Death do us parts
Now have knives in tow

Brown eyes on faces 
Green with envy within
Bestowed the smallest of power
True colors now show


Virtue is earned
Loyalty shines bright
When you're the lowest
Stalwarts join the fight

Brutus now exposed
Healing has began
The ides failed in their treachery
Adversity defines the man

Now rise, rise up
From the ashes of hate
Your future has just started
With happiness it's never too late

I am a work in progress
Sometimes every step forward
I counter with two in regress

My insecurities come out
At my weakest times
When I feel trapped, insulted
Blindsided by my own reactions
They never show any signs

Assess before replying
I need to step back, take a breath
Instead of lashing, and yelling,
Giving stares of death

I am surrounded by great supports
Those that forgive my weaknesses
Pick me back up when I've tripped over my own landmines

To them I'm eternally thankful
Their kindness I can never repay

I am a work in progress
Doing my best to make them
And myself proud of me everyday

I will not let my
Sobriety define me.
I am more than that.

the wind was blowing from the southwest today. i was infuriated by mostly everything. my mind began feeling a distance from my body when i was a junior in high school. periods of instability.

estranged and unengaged

i distance myself from society so that i do not act on my sobriety. emotions come in variety. i **** on my anxiety

we have lost our sobriety
drunk off each other.  
i taste it when we kiss,
cancer dripping from your lips;
the poison consuming me.
i love the taste of you.
hopelessly, endlessly.
it is intoxicating,
each time your tongue touches mine,
i crave more.
slowly slipping, confusion settling in.
i am a stranger to myself.
lines blurred between lust and infatuation.
i can no longer tell the difference.
this is effortlessly painful,
and you have come to destroy me.