I am building homes on the shorelines in hourglasses
hoping that this time it will last.
It has been over 18 months
But I know it won't last.
I will relapse eventually
Spectacularly

And pitifully.
Because one year not drinking is like seven to an alcoholic
And I’m still ageing in years of the dog that bit me and will never let me go.

Wanna talk about magic tricks?
It's only sober I saw how much I was disappearing drinking,

So lets call this bullet caught a bullet dodged.
This spell casts me in a bad light
That i can't get my shadow out of
call me Houdini because I'm still looking for  escapes.
You will notice
There is nothing up my sleeves but attempts
so don’t tempt me,
because I haven’t been sleeping too good
and I ain’t awake any better.

For all this freedom,
sometimes I want to take the lockpicks I kept behind my teeth and close shut the world back up over my head again,
Spend a spell or two inside the prisons i built myself again,
Fall back into sunset habits again,
Rather than face the sunrise clear headed
Knowing that this
This is as good as i'm ever gonna feel.

I am sick of being cured because this is no antidote.
No one is afraid of the dark when the lights are on

There’s a morning chorus still singing the burden of nausea
And dropped  by the graceless hands of fate
Another Day breaks.
But for all the fragile homes I built myself in the name of safety
I have no time for walls right now.
I know I built a life of alcohol and I
But we strayed together for all the wrong reasons
And hedonism is not a coping mechanism
And I’ll always remember how this works
in yesterdays that escape me
and excuses that made me
With fearful nights where I was relapse ready
and days like today
Where my resolve is whiskey **** soft like a thrift store sweater
I tell myself tomorrow is just one more day to get to the end of.

Addiction is any port in a storm,
though i’m weighed down by the seas I swallow to keep me steady
You can’t call call me three sheets to the wind anymore
cos i’m tying hope to anchors
Onto these glass kept ships that I used to sink myself in.
There are no answers in a bottle no matter how often you ask it
And i'll keep asking.
Hold me like a funeral
Cos i am not strong.
Hold me like your breath,
Cos technically theres a lifetime supply of it
Now matter how deep you go.

I am 100 years of hurricanes

I have fought avalanches and won

I am a monument to a disaster that never happened

I have been shaken in exact sync with whatever earthquake
You tell me I should not be walking with
You ask me how I survived this well who the **** said I did?

Am i as much a symptom of the world as I am sick of it?
I never figured out the trick behind this
I never knew what proof I had of this
Just knew that it was always too much too often for too long.
Just knew that it was always too much too often for too long.
Just knew that one way or another this will be the death of me.

I know where this journey takes me, and what it takes from me
So when asked for directions I say:
“To hell with us there is no us!
No you and I to talk of.
You were only ever a wrong road
and I am headed due north of this rock bottom.”

I'll be the tornado if you can find my ruby red shoes to be twelve stepping in.
This close to failure I wear seven league boots
And I know the exact route of just a few moments longer.

I’ll let the seasons decide this one
(Let them change me like I  didnt)
Keep whiskey and knives away from me;
I got this achilles throat from trying to swallow the styx.

And I'm not scared of mortality’s uncertainty any more;
My Haros hand is sure.
Though I didnt have any doubts drunk
I'm sure
I was never Sam when i wasn't sober.

I'm trying so hard to stay sober,
Taking it one day at a time,
But I'm barely hanging on,
Struggling on this uphill climb.

I'm on the wagon for good now,
But isn't that what I always say?
It seems like no matter what I do,
That is the one place I never stay.

Too soon, I'll fall off onto my ***,
And flush all my progress down the drain,
The landing hurts, but not for long;
The drugs are there to numb the pain.

Maybe this time I'll do better,
Tomorrow will be day twenty-three,
Although it feels so good to get high,
Sober is what I'm trying to be.

I NEED TO STOP LYING
I’m aware of what’s right.
I know how to achieve sobriety
My mind purposely blinds me
I know there’s more to life than just sadness.
I’m aware that I can try but refuse
It’s true, it’s a lot to do to stop use.
I need to work on everything that makes me feel I’m no use.
It will be a lot to conquer
It will take so much to change my views.
I’ve been depressed for so long
Drugs been the only thing that’s made me belong ,
I know I can change, Be very great
It will just take lots of work to reach the gates.
I will struggle & experience pain.
Confront reality & deal with the things that make me unhappy
I NEED TO STOP LYING TO MYSELF
My addict Mind is lovely
It really makes me focus on things that really hurt me.
It Centers negativity, shining light on everything saddening.
When I Attempt To Be Good
It tells me how fast I’m achieving?
I look at time & it’s been hours of thinking .
I can’t figure nothing to solve my insecurities .
Can’t find a reason for motivation
Can’t find a cure for the heartbreaks & mistakes.
So it reminds me.
Drugs been the fastest & only medicine.
Only on one do I feel life’s worthliving.
I don’t need nothing or nobody as long as I’m lit.
I NEED TO STOP BEING IN DENIAL AND STRAIGHTEN THE **** UP
I’m tired of it all
Conflicts about living
clean or on drugs
I’m tired of Being high & Feeling nothing but numb.
I’m tired of the drugs controlling my emotions & Thoughts.
I’m tired of the drugs being so Great  that I never want to get off.
I’m tired of the way it’s causing more harm making me believe everything’s fine.
I’m tired of the way it’s the only thing damaging. Making sobriety seem so Devastating.
I’m tired of drugs making me feel it’s better to not deal with crisis.
Only high is life great.
No tears , no misery or Losses
No challenges, no dealing with ****
I’m tired of the drugs making me feel Using is the best thing.
Making my life seem easy by not worrying about anything
IM TIRED OF THE WAY CRYSTAL **** MANIPULATES MY ****** BRAIN
On **** I never struggle .
Being high avoid the problems making life so nice
While sober I deal with troubles.
Being clean I feel the sorrow.
I struggle to fix the issues & if I fail , I feel much worse.
Using **** fulfills my needs.
When lonely , on **** I don’t feel alone. I don’t even notice.
When I’m lonely , I feel what alone is. I cry and Feel so much sadness
When I’m high
I never struggle , Don’t ever stress & continue on my day .
When I’m sober ,
If i struggle, I deal with troubles
Which will leave me Either happy or add to my problems.
No more comparisons , it’s clear
The use of Drugs keep you away from pain, you never encounter bad situations or experience ****** days
While sober you face many things
You Feel many ways & always come across struggles and pain. That you either work it out or live depressed
I HAVE THE CHANCE RIGHT NOW
I CAN SEE THE TRUTH I JUST NEED GO STOP BEING IN DENIAL
I NEED TO ADMIT RIGHT NOS
BEFORE MY DRUG ADDICT MIND TAKES POWER

I’m struggling life.
I remind That High I can escape
Im saying alright, Just 1 **** 1 line.
Getting anxious to buy
Desperate to make the pain fly
I’m ready to forget
Expecting to feel amazing.
I’m now high on methx
It did nothing but self center itself
I’m wanting more , Stay Stuck ingesting/inhaling more.
I’m stressing trying to get good.
While my High is wasting on attempting to feel it more .
Paranoia comes around the door.
Now I try to feel lit but not get burnt
At the end of it all
I never reached what I wanted
So I crave it again & tell myself this time I can go as planning .
Then I come down & feel regret.
I feel so ashamed , So Drained.
Only then is when I see the reality of what it does to me.
I see the truth and how much more I’m struggling .
Only then is when I want to quit.
I feel the pain of this ****.
I hug myself tightly wanting to sleep. Stop the hallucinating & feelings of being seen.
I cry and hurt for change.
This drug does nothing but damage my brain.
But only then is when I become desperate for help ..
After Awhile of Keeping Away
My Need For a life jacket fades away...
I’m struggling life.
My Addiction To Drugs is Getting annoying.
I hate that I can’t just get right.
I hate that I can Change so easy how people view it in there eyes ..
I truly don’t want this life Nomore
But I end up finding myself urging to getting that fix I desire to quit.
Im Tired & Sick . Yet I can’t let it go
I can’t quit even though I See all it’s ruining . Idk why.
I’m an addict
I hopeless drug addict
who can’t let go.
Who can’t move on
Who cry’s to stop , who promises to Drop all things involved.
But at the end , I go back.
Knowing it’s only giving me pain

I feel so sad.
I Want Sobriety,
My minds fighting badly
It hurts so bad knowing I Don’t Want this but I’m here wanting.
I’m not feeling anything To say
I want to numb this .
It’s just an urge at the moment
To feel it in me .
A crave my mind & body
Are feining ..
I hurt when I’m on it.
Though my heart tears apart
I can’t get it through my head
At the end il be depressed In regret
I’m so saddened.
I’m sorry I’m sorry
God help me get through this

yesterday i got blood on my jeans
from opening the scrape on my knee
i got three days ago, slipping in the shower,
drunk as hell before noon.
my dad told me to leave the rest of his beer
after i took five in twenty four hours.
i wonder if he realizes how bad i am.
i have to have at least one drink
before i see anyone, just to loosen up.
i drink throughout the day,
not caring what time i start.
my boy expressed concern
about all my empty beer cans.
i decided six hours ago
i would take a break from drinking
but my friend gave me a jelly jar of *****
and i keep telling her i’ll stop, as i pour another.
“i’m going to not drink for two weeks,”
i say as my speech begins to slur.
how many will be my ‘last drink?’
will i make it two weeks?
will i care? does it ******* matter?
there will always be new blood on my jeans.

"drugs replace love when you're lonely..."
words from an old head who died of an o.d

...rest in peace sobriety,
rest in peace o.g.