What if our reflections
Really aren't what they seem?
What if they're the guardians of
A mirror's dangerous dream?

What if our reflections
Protect us from our very eyes?
Maybe they hide our true faces
And all we see are lies.

What if our reflections
Only show us what we want?
What if, underneath we're not so good,
And our face is just a front?

And what if our reflections
Skipped and took off for a day?
Maybe then we'd accept our own unique beauty
And stop hiding behind a cliché.

The only thing I’ve ever been able to see without squinting through bad eyes has been ugly
and stupid
and worthless
each adjective another bullet to the body of someone who is already dead.
I left the bullets where I thought they ought to be—right where they were—lodged between vital arteries and anything dangerous; they were equally acidic beings occupying the same profane space.
I allowed my skin to grow over them as much as it rioted.  
I wanted to remind myself that they were a part of me now
that the least I could do was let them be
the way I had never been.

I have always been a non-believer,
naturally a very-much-believer slipped into my line of fire the same way the sun peeps its shy face out of grey.
But it took more than prying me out of my pad-locked shell to make me a believer too.
It took swimming the length of the ocean to find me in my shell first
then slaying the eight-legged monsters that shielded me from all things good
and every time I unwound the bandages in front of you that encased my wounds
inflicted from the sour tentacles of the beast you had to fight away
I expected the sting of your fingers fresh with sea salt to sting like hell
but you would remind me of how often you wash your hands
only not after touching me--
never after touching me.
I wasn’t familiar with the smell of flesh without it being doused in sanitizer;
The mess of my pain was just more dirt on their skin.

You were my savior
the only hero ever willing to carry a dead body with the same caution as someone who could still thank you with their lips—not cold.
You were red wine and I was holy Sunday
gnawing at the body of Christ
but you learned how to consume me still
without just swallowing me whole
instead savoring even the most overbearing bites of me that reeked of its expiration date.
You taught me how to let myself be consumed by something other than ugly
and stupid
and worthless.
You taught me how to let myself melt in the warm safety of your tongue
that vowed to speak of only sweet things.
But trying to recall that lesson was quieter in my ears
each time I urged myself to complete the daily routine of supplying you with a special pair of scissors
expectant that you would dig deep into my body
like everyone else always had
knowing that the gashes you created would heal slower and leave scars uglier than scars inflicted by the hands of anyone else.
I pushed my already-open cuts in your face
shut eyes and gritted teeth
awaiting the familiar feeling of the people you love
making their marks
in the center of your back.
But I watched your mouth form something that I didn't know could sound soft, something like "n-o", the first no that ever sounded as sweet as a yes.
No new stab wounds,
no tearing of tight flesh.
All you did was re-stitch me.
You caught my blood in its vanishing act.

With every stitch I watched as past words lost their dictionary meanings
ugly: beautiful
stupid: smart
worthless: worth it.
You drug me out of my grave and took the time to dust me off the way no one else had
hushed the knives in my own hands dripping in my own blood to fall to the ground
spoke the magic words that opened the gates of my chest so that you could squeeze the life into my heart again.
You took the eyes from your own skull for the sake of making a better scenery out of myself.

I don't have to squint anymore.
I can see "worth it" taking form of "worthless" miles across the street
and as you place your petal hands on my head and tilt one last time
I am watching myself do the same.

I wish I could hold her shaking limbs
Tightly in my arms.

I wish I could make her forget
The scale inside her head.

I wish I could take away
The scars she placed upon her flesh.

I wish I could wipe away
Self-hate pouring from her soul.

-ARI

She sang herself to sleep every now and then
As the tears trickled down her tiny face
During those nights, no one heard except for the pillow case positioned under her head
And the mattress served as a barrier for the demons that lived beneath her bed
As the sun buries itself into the sea,
Its flames die out and so does she
Nights are when she crosses out the days left on her beating skin
Dawns are when she peels off dry scars and have her cuts covered in bandages
Solitary lullabies are what keep her sane
But the words leave the mouth of a battered child yearning for the company of another,
But she is all that will remain

n.j.

I have paved this unholy road of emotional oppression. The guilt is mine alone. Blanket it all with my water soluble love, or rather lack there of. Make me hurt, I'll make me bleed. I am my own worst enemy.

I live a lie and my promise will cut you from behind. Don't believe in me, I won't believe in me. Don't believe or it will only hurt me.

Newborn in spirit, 26 in soul. Learn to love and to fall, but never again to numb it all. Hatred for who I am. Yet the faint beat can be revived again. A flatline, shot from a cap, I hate where I'm at.

Bridge~
Time to prove, time to move. Time will save me from hurting you.

I hate this lie and my promise may cut you from behind. Please wait to believe, I can't yet believe. Relapse may be my destiny.

Sometimes I wonder about the broken hearts. A path of destruction behind, open blameless road ahead. Follow me.. Wait not yet! I'm not ready! Don't push me!  just let me be. Keep the beast oppressed, never yet be unleashed.

No more lies, no more wounds for you, only my death or honesty. If your ready to believe, I might be. **** ******! it's not me. Burn this tourniquet, freedom is mine to retrieve. freedom is mine to retrieve.

I'm that girl
That you don't look at more than twice
Maybe that once was a glance and that twice made you want to look away
I'm that girl who would rather stare at the empty spaces of corners at parties, instead of reaching out for a handshake with my name and number, sequences written on my palm.
I am every fiber of mistake, at least that's what I believe
I do not have the perfect smile and teeth, but I bite and grit when I'm nervous or overwhelmed with anxiety
I am pieces, born into a world I was meant to fit in, but it seems all I'm capable of doing is falling beneath cracks that are not puzzles or made for fitting

I am dismantled

I am that girl who will never find another hand to hold
I am a locked door, without a key, the only way I'll ever let you in is if you break down my walls and doors
I am a treasure chest, absent of gold and jewelry
I am an overdose away, a figure in front of a racing train

I am that girl, who will never find her place

n.j.