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phalaenopsis Jan 2016
how can someone so alive
feel so
dead on the inside?
phalaenopsis Jan 2016
tar pit black waves
over my frail heart,
making it weak,

i cannot function,
nor can i think,
all i feel is resentment.

at times, at scary times,
it suffocates me.
it's like i can't breathe,
                                     nor see,
                                                nor do,
                                                       nor feel.

i feel empty,

and it ******* hurts.

it ******* hurts to feel empty when all you have been trying to do is fil the void.

it ******* hurts to try your hardest again and again just to be hurt again.

it ******* hurts to feel so volatile. so ******* volatile.

it ******* hurts to say *******.

it hurts everywhere, and i am explosive.

i feel like my eruption will cause a disaster, turmoil, outrage, turbulence.

but i don't care.

because it ******* hurts to put everyone before yourself and be disappointed every ******* time.
  Dec 2015 phalaenopsis
I'm sitting here in a club that's very
Well it's dark,
But it's not a place for women.
And who knows,
I think it might be the thirties.

I'm surrounded by men,
All in impeccably fine suites,
I'm drinking countless martinis,
I never have to light my own cigarette,
I know this is what I do every single night.
Everyone fawns over me.

I know that I'm very powerful.
I have the power of a man.
So I act like a man.
Not *****,
Just unashamed.

Maybe I have a rich father?
That sounds right for the time.
I can tell that I am very powerful,
I already know that I am
"Breathtakingly gorgeous".

Everyone eats out of the palm of my hand,
I am fun.
I am free.
I am the untamable soul.

You know?
The one they right novels about.
The one that "got away",
Because she was a song bird,
And one that wouldn't fit in her cage.

And I am to be a married woman.
Someone will disburse my power.
I will become a miserable housewife.
I will have four children.
I will bake apple pies,
I will let my husband
Please himself using my body.
I will help with church bake sales.
I will drink.
I will drink.
I will drink.....
  Dec 2015 phalaenopsis
Peel away the skin;
reveal a crying girl within.
phalaenopsis Dec 2015
his eyes were full of stars
the brightest ones.

beautiful baby,
with his head in the clouds,
filled with dreams of peace,
dreams of light,
dreams of life.

beautiful baby,
you just don't understand.
dreams remain dreams,
forever and ever.
it's only when kismet feels good that she
decides to intertwine your dreams with

it remains in your head,
as a mere thought,
a mere happy frame.

beautiful baby,
your eyes have a lovely glow,
i've never seen someone
as beautiful.

never seen
a happiness,
as bright as yours.

tell me,
how can you smile
while the world weeps around you,
mourning for her children who go at war from time to time,
dropping eggs of destruction on one another?

how can you smile
while your life crumbles around you,
and your life isn't your life anymore?

beautiful baby,
you're so broken,
so torn.
you try to patch yourself up with a smile,
and you try to dream and conjure up different realms and realities
where you are the king, and you rule a peaceful world.

beautiful baby,
your dreams are giving you headaches,
maybe you should take some painkillers,
then sleep a little.

beautiful baby,
why aren't you waking up?
have your dreams finally taken you,
to a parallel universe,
to your own heaven,
your own nirvana.

i love you baby,
so so much,
now you exist in my head,
as a beautiful boy,
a beautiful tiger,
with creamy white fur,
and black stripes,
you prow through the jungle,
free and wild.

forever free,
beautiful baby
phalaenopsis Nov 2015
he intoxicates me with his love,
his sweet, sweet poison.

numbing release,
i want all of your love.

i'm selfish that way,
always wanting things,
always expecting things,
but never getting them.

but i know you're different,
your like an angel,
here to save me...

from myself.
love is deadly
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