I've been where you are
In the darkness
Filled with night lights
Sweet liquors and scents
That dull the ache
Distracting you from your heart:
The heart that you hate
For loving someone far from reach.

I've felt the agonies
Of misunderstandings
When my words could not be heard,
And my soul remained unseen
Because I was drowning
In my own lies and stories:
Falling from my own heights,
A million miles above the crowds.

I've walked this path
That you're dragging yourself on.
I've held the hand
Of self-betrayal in a dark room
And wondered if I'd make it:
Til morning... til the light came.
I've been the one screaming,
Everyone thinking I'm laughing;
I've been the broken one.

if I could be any one of your body parts I’d

be your fingertips.
when you break my gaze on screen, I yearn for it like

a lost child.
keep pushing others out of the way at aquariums so I can
touch the stingrays

and nudge my calves with your nose when you
want to be brushed

I promise to always remember where your car is parked,

if you let me keep that photo of you as a young pilot
in my pocket

in public spaces, we fill the

air between us with supernovas.
you are Sirius
you are the lobster
you are the look across the room at a party;

feel my phantom hands on your shoulders
I’ll crawl into the nape of your neck and make a home

plaster myself across your skin so you can find me

in the grooves of your hands
I’ll sew my words into your sheets so you will never be without them

promise me you’ll comb out your tangled hair if it gets too much

and wait for me by the Whitney
as I walk 341 miles for you.

I.
you never saw me in winter:
shearling fur and kettlebell boots
my outer crust cracking from one step outdoors.

I wear socks to bed
and smoke Belmonts to cover
my breath with toxins
instead of you.

II.
I never wear pants when I’m with you
mostly because I’m hoping to re-enact me walking
over the Millennium Bridge
in May.

if the wind pushed any further
up my skirts, it would force my lungs right out my throat.

my hotel room called for us
but you were on a plane to Norway
and I was in my head.

III.
the last time we had ***
you told me you’d finish me off first next time
but I’m always like your backup song for karaoke,
in case someone takes your first choice.

you never:

acknowledged that my rice was shaped like a heart
and yours like a star at dinner,

ask me what my tattoos mean,

but always ask me if I’m pregnant.

you’re a roll of film that needs be developed but
I keep smearing the edges with my fingers
and scanning the red light over myself.

I’ve always been intimidated
By the man in the mirror
With his cocky face and his self-assured grin

I’ve always been imitated
By the man in the mirror
With his worried sigh and his eyes full of doubt

You are a galaxy.*
From the way gravity pulls your lips
back into a smile when you laugh
to your *stellar remnants of Vegas.
I thought it would take parsecs
for two distant galaxies to even come
into visual morphology with one another
but we collided into an elliptical love
that is practically observable
throughout the universe.
And as we fall farther into space,
we grow closer together because galaxies
are gravitationally bound to one another.

© Matthew Harlovic

1) I am afraid of silent waiting rooms because I’ve never learned how to be alone with myself.
2) I am afraid of not being good enough because I’ve been told that these days, good isn’t enough. 

3) I am afraid of still being on the first question while the rest of the class turns their exams in.
4) I am afraid of walking to the bus station too slowly, and having to desperately sprint at the end to catch up.
5) I am afraid of indecision. The only thing worse than making a wrong decision is being the coward who didn’t make one at all. 

6) I am afraid of being lazy, so lazy that my suicide will be a pack a day and an unbuckled seatbelt.
7) I am afraid of how fast you are going, and

8) I am afraid of you leaving me behind.

9) I am afraid of being weak – of taking twice as long to wait for the elevator instead of just taking the stairs.
10) I am afraid of failure; more importantly, I am afraid of those unbearable seconds of silence that come afterward.

11) I am afraid of believing wholly and completely in eternal sunshine because I won't have an umbrella when I need one and

12) I am afraid of asking to borrow your extra umbrella.

13) I am afraid of good-old-fashion bad luck because can it make the rest of my fear arbitrary anxiety. 

14) I am afraid of saying, “I miss you, I love you, please stay longer this time…”

15) I am afraid of naivety because nothing is ever said without a reason. 

16) I am afraid of overestimating myself because someone once told me you see yourself as ten times more beautiful than you actually are.

17) I am afraid of giving my love to those who do not deserve it because they will not give theirs back to me.  

18) I am afraid of wasting my time, because I do not have time to waste.
19) I am afraid of limiting myself. God knows there is always more I could be doing. Should be doing.

20) I am afraid of being honest. Honest like children. Honest like poetry.

Always this, but never that.
Comparisons made at.
It'll never overlap,
An eternal void, infinite gap.

Whatever gold I have,
Falls short of what I want.
Am I ungrateful or what?
I just want this to shut.

An innocent question, I have
I wonder if a time has passed,
If in your mind you had,
An idea of me that dashed.

I guess I'll never stop,
Having your thoughts inside.
To empty faith, I'll hop,
Lose myself, lose my guide.

Few possess the quiet faith to see past today’s tangled mess.
Most of us, victims of self-doubt, will accept what we call our fate.
Some though, know we must strive to silence the voice that says “You cannot.”.

Disfigurement
to a one time pretty boy
is like
finding out that I'm positive all over again
a tower of rubble
to the chest
another death sentence rolled out
just in time for the new year
a new contagion of scar tissue
and self-doubt
self-loathing and your disgust
turning me away in the rain
and if it hadn't been you
it will eventually be a whole line of others
whom no longer wish to sample
this drama queen's merchandise
of defilement
and raw pain