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How does it feel to be bothered with the recurring question of ‘What if?’
On how a slight change of words, tone, or gesture, to change what is,
The imagination of what could have been thrown over a cliff,
Escaped a familiar pain just to give in to delusional peace?

How come you saw the clouds and missed the constellations,
When the moon beamed bright with the sun towering your direction?
How are you settling with the rough seas, the known aberrations,
When an ellipsis sufficed instead of a period for the conclusion?

What was was was; in no way could you turn it all back,
Yet now you’ve calmed down, been able to clear your mind,
With the unknown tomorrow, only the stars could track,
You know what to look for, you know what you need to find.

For some things were more true than they were real,
As you know what you know and feel what you really feel,
You’ve seen how recently you’ve trusted your intuition,
Now let it flow and guide you towards the warranted collision.
Armour’s gone, yet I still feel protected
Though this time not by any cold steel,
But by something that is different -
Its color, warmth; the feeling, iridescence.
It lets me see clouds change through time,
And if that’s too slow for me, a plane passes.
It shows me where my wounds are,
And the very hands that wounded them -
         the words,
         the thoughts,                          
         the self.
It sets me a conversation with peace,
A dialogue with the keeper of time and space -
Where they hear my plea,
Change me. Make me better!
To which Fate smirks -
Oh? But that’s what you’ve been doing all along.
Allan Pangilinan Feb 2023
I wanted to ask you what you were afraid of,
When in reality it is I whom fear some thing.
I guess I just wanted to universalize the trope,
That such feeling is common for us living.

I suffer, once again, from the imagination,
Of the death of the ego, the shame of it all,
The inevitability embraced with anticipation,
Remains of the image come to finally fall.

Yet a part of me thinks it would be relief,
To go through the worst thing I can think,
It might usher me towards a new belief,
Remind of fleeting feelings - gone in a blink.

I take comfort in those I know, who knows me,
Especially the inner child in my mind and body,
I may die, but I will live, as it all should be,
For now, I’ll breathe in and out, and stay steady.
Allan Pangilinan Feb 2023
The life I created is about to pop,
Worse days are about to drop,
Seeing the end of the simulation,
What was was indeed an illusion.

I think I’ve forgotten how to dream,
My mind’s looping a silent scream,
Losing myself, feeling like a waste,
A sorry excuse for a life misplaced.

“Your sob story is not that special,
Stop being too **** sentimental,”
These I tell myself every waking day,
Figuring out how it is to, again, be okay.

“Just go and do something about it,”
So hard when I just really want to quit.
It feels I’m just watching myself from afar,
Seeing he’s given up in his personal war.

Maybe I’ll wake up soon and feel better,
Maybe I’ll dream again and find my center,
I don’t know when for I lost all my hope,
I’m no longer living for all I do now is cope.
Allan Pangilinan Jan 2023
Do not hate yourself tomorrow
For the choices you made today.
For now, yes, you did kowtow,
With the limited cards you can play.

In a few hours the sun will rise,
It’ll be another brand new day.
You may not be assured of a prize,
You’ve still got here, a place to stay.

Right now it doesn’t make sense,
But hey, ask yourself, what does?
Release oneself from all the tense,
No one really knows, what’s the fuss?

We are here and we gotta live,
Rebelliously, we do what we gotta do,
Embrace now and yourself forgive,
You’re doing you, through and through.
Allan Pangilinan Jan 2023
Did it hurt? When you realized the world owed you nothing?
That meritocracy is a myth and that doing good isn’t rewarded.
Does it sting? Waking up to a bad world order with no meaning,
Alive and breathing when you know you’re better off dead.

They would always say it’s our choices that define our little life,
In that case, maybe I chose wrong - all of it’s a mistake,
The joys are momentary but longer are the pain and strife,
One does his best to give for a world that only knows how to take.

I sometimes wonder if this examined life is actually better,
When knowing what you know only makes you suffer more.
Still trying to look for grace in the here and now where I hover,
When in reality, I just wanna find and cross an exit door.
Allan Pangilinan Jan 2023
Faces, faces, oh I've seen a lot of faces,
They come, they go, some stick, some shrink,
Daydreaming... asking what are the chances,
We'd bump anew and have our glasses clink.

Glad to know such feeling is still possible,
With nullity having been the default norm,
Still I think I remain visibly incapable,
Unsure what to do, ignorant how to perform.

Made me smile nonetheless, that face,
A warranted sight, a break for the monotony,
If that was it, all the same I got to gaze,
Hey, see you maybe, see you maybe.
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