Step on me, go ahead.  Don't see my blood?
Truth be told it is red.  Don't hesitate.
I've been laying here for effervescent scores of time,
drifting in and out of knowing.
My heart sewn by threads of chance.
So scared of pain and the hurts I've lived.
reluctantly the love I give, is taken greedily.
And selfish truths come into light.
Cry I have like never before,
my mistake to open the door.
Lessons learned I did not head,
now I lay here on the floor to suffer my fate and bleed.
Darkness enveloping hope.
Jumping through hoops with a noose around my throat.
Praying each leap lands me on my pedestal without a false step.
The fatal end I know, waits for the careless step I take.
You the thief, who stole the whole of me.
All of me.
Made me go where I swore I would not.
Made me live my dreams.
Made me step out into fantasy,
My reality,
Come true to me,
Unbelievably,
I, so foolishly!
No one will ever catch me, my heart will never be.
Never see a safe horizon.
Never be surrounded in true and trusted arms of strength.
I can not save you, I can not save anyone,
For I need saving myself.
Can you save me?
Will you try?
Will you support my misguided step,
before the noose pulls tight?
I am bleeding on the floor, and running out of strength.
Will you stop my blood from running, or will you merely drink?

© Crystal Erickson 3/09/08

Pain and payment saturate me
Beyond the better disbelief of this
Leave my body on the pavement

Pray this degradations done separating
Whispers heard through closed doors
Leave me in a blatant panic attack, panting

Your head on my chest, i think of us
Keeps me warm so wont you write soon?
all i asked of the guardian angels

She said you will be a much better author than I, I smiled and said
I know you will be fine

More than one person remembers that day
as hot and tasting of catastrophe
in the flavor of airbag dust and gasoline.
We were talking as you drank your root beer.
Windows down. My shoes off…

4:02.
Your eyes widen
as metal screeches and the revving of engines
winds down, a man wearing sunglasses
yanks on my door, but it protrudes
into the cab. Another man takes you out —
shouts to me to move.  I can’t
find my shoes and my wallet is soaked.
Bystanders flock like they would at a circus
where a lion’s attacked his tamer.
Tears flow more freely than blood.
I’m sorry, I’m sorry. God, my fault spills
from my bruised lips until finally,
I collapse to the pavement like the fender
of the opposing Mercedes.  

I tried but failed to explain
that swerving the car to save you
meant near-death for me. Only after
regret and responsibility that crushed
my lungs faded, the way mascara dries,
did I acknowledge,
I am here.

Don't mistake survival for happiness,
Read behind the eyes,
Read between the lines,
Don't ask for an open mind,
What's inside isn't all it seems,

Take the smile as a gospel truth,
Accept normality as a guide of peace
Be appeased the simple things are easy,
The daily routine is routinely pacifying.

All I ask as I carry on keeping on,
Remember the fight I engaged to be here,
To remain here, to stand not flee,
I will not ask for concern, just remember.
Please just remember I am still fighting.

Everyday
is another struggle
Everyday
is when I wish it'd end

Then I think
of my best friend
He keeps me from
ending them once and for all

Everyday
is another of loathing
Everyday
is another of despair

He not only saved my life
He made it worth living
My best friend
I truly believe loves me

I stand to the side, watching. I scream and nothing comes out. My throat burns, my chest heaves. I gasp and cry, needing someone to hear. I try to run, try to somehow stop the invisible force from wrecking every last piece of me. Then I realize my arms are constricted, strapped forcibly to my body.

I am silent and I am in a straightjacket.

All I need to be is screaming and saving myself.

Because everything I’ve ever known tells me that you won’t come and save me.

But then again, didn’t I say everything I ever knew was being destroyed?

it's not easy being the superhero
in fact
it's hell
because while you're out there
saving the whole ******* world
who is going to save you?
nobody
those selfish ******* need you
but you need them more
and they'll never know
that
sometimes the superhero
needs saving too

I never cared for
Broken things
They seemed so pointless
Useless
Unlovable
I never saw any worth
Because what good is a guitar
Without any strings?

I never saw any worth in myself
Because I hated broken things
I believed the idea of no hope
That I couldn't change anything
But your hand in my life
Has helped me to see
That maybe, sometimes
It's worth fixing.

{NR}

I wish i still loved you. but you see i don't and i'm pretending like every things fine but what you don't understand is i can't sleep. I can't focus on anything but why i'm still here. here with you, or here at all. they say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, and i can't stop replaying that saying in my head because when we first met i hated every part of me and you put me back together. i started to love myself but here i am 18 months later and i'm back to 3am regrets of what drugs i haven't done. i'm beginning to hate myself all over again and i don't like this time i can be saved because i resent you for giving me light when all i really wanted was the back seats of unfamiliar cars. I guess some people fall in love with whats on the inside but i think that's a load of horse **** because every guy i've met has only fell in lust with what's under the clothes. I never got to thank my best friend for saving my life four years ago. I don't even think she knew she was saving my life, i think she was just trying to be a *****. i put myself in ****** positions because i like the pain and i like the thought of "these last days on earth". i won't grow up to be a wife or a mother, i won't grow up to make my parents proud or to get a masters. i pretend that i'm okay, but when you left i think i was far from okay and i think people saw that and forgot to ask. or maybe they saw it and just didn't care. or maybe they didn't see it and i'm a really good ******* liar. i can't stop blaming you for my pain and for my suicide notes that are crumbled up under my bed. i haven't done it yet because i'm thinking of exactly what to say that will hurt you the most. i fall in love with anyone that tells me i'm pretty or anyone that wants to take my shirt off. i fell in love with the word **** and ***** because that's what i learned love really is. two people can be in love but still love what others do to them so they break the ones who aren't broken and then the broken pretend like their fine. the ones that pretend like their fine, the ones who don't have to **** in their stomachs or wear bracelets are the ones who i'm scared for because those are the ones who will self destruct. those are the ones who will show us all that you can't leave a little girl in a store by herself or she'll start believing that everyone leaves. when she believes that she'll start pushing away anyone who tries to save her, especially the ones who are succeeding. so stop trying to ******* save me, stop trying to be my ******* hero. stop trying to pretend like you ******* understand. you see, that's why i don't love you anymore because my chariot doesn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight, my demons come out to play.

-the demon we all have (we just don't know it yet)