I'm alive
I want to die
I hope you're happy
I hope you cry when I'm gone
I smile all the time
My smile is fake
I have so many friends
I have so many blades
I have a family
They hate me
I don't need help*
I need saving

The past hurts like an ocean made up of opaque glass.
And you asked me to exist within the shatter-jagged fragments.
An amphibious creature,
Breathing the pain through shredded gills.
Numbed, bruised and bleeding.
Wounds are what they called them.
Battle torn from a thousand different edges.
Don't you feel them?
  The watery shards wedging into your sides,
  Piercing your lungs of the will to exhale.
I feel it, like rough hands upon my neck;
  Tearing through my flesh.  
  Slipping down my throat.
Till I'm choking on red.

You asked, and I confessed.
My passions, the black and the blue.
Inhaling the wine-water,
I want to save you.
Even with an ocean of glass standing in my way.
I want to save you.
Swimming and swimming, until this agony bled away.
I wanted to save you.
Even though I knew I couldn't.
*I wanted to be the one to save you.

So how did I become the kind of person that I am
By changing every part of me I couldn't understand
I wonder what I'll find inside the skin that I suspend
Or maybe what I've lost is more apparent in the end
And where is all the evidence I carried on my back
The weight of it has turned it into something inexact
A haziness pervading what I once believed to be
The only inconsistency I wanted to perceive
Secure in all my shakiness but never unaware
That I was going down a road that wasn't even there
And maybe in my head I thought I'd save a place for you
Until I came to realize that's something I can't do

the razors were her best friends
the only source of control of the pain she endured.
her hair was falling out
her skin , pale as the snowy grounds of December.
no one ever cared
until they day she wore short sleeves and everyone got scared

Let me tell you a story about the time you walked me out of work, and how it changed the course of our lives.  Let me explain how wiggly my insides felt to have you walking beside me.  And let me tell you how I slowed my pace the closer we got to my car, trying not to be obvious.  Let me tell you about us standing there, talking face-to-face outside of work for the first time ever, and how good and natural it felt.  And let me tell you, time passed so quickly then, and the drizzle started turning to rain but I still didn’t want to go.  So let me tell you about how I got courageous again, and asked if you wanted to go sit and talk in your car.  Let me tell you how happy I was when you said yes, and how I’ve never been so thankful for rain.  Let me tell you about our first of many “car dates,” when we just sat and talked.  And let me tell you how it became clear very quickly that we are a natural fit.  Because, let me tell you, I was so nervous that I’d be too quiet and we’d have nothing to say and it would become the bad awkward.  But let me tell you how that didn’t happen, and we sat for hours in conversation.  Let me tell you about our goodbye and how it was getting late because time had become nonexistent with you.  And let me tell you about how you drove me back to my car because you didn’t want me walking in the rain, and I was so taken by how sweet you were.  Let me tell you about how I was unsure of what to do, because we had hugged many times before, but honestly, I’d spent the whole evening wanting to sample your lips.  But let me tell you, I’m not the one to make a move like that, so I just went for a hug as usual.  And let me tell you how disappointed I was in myself.  So let me tell you how I turned back, determined to kiss you, but quickly lost every nerve I had, and so started to settle for a second hug, this time adding the quickest kiss on your cheek.  But let me also tell you how that somehow brought back the bravery, and I went for the kiss I truly desired.  And let me tell you, baby, I’ll never know how I got the courage to kiss you first, but **** am I glad I did.  Because, let me tell you, that kiss became one of the most pivotal moments in my life, and made me believe there was something worth living for.  Let me tell you how your kiss saved my life.

He shot himself in the head,
or he hung himself from a tree,
or he swallowed a whole bunch of pills.
Not that it matters much, after all, what’s done is done.
I can hear you praying each night (you think I’m asleep).
You never ask him why, rather, you ask him what the pills tasted like,
ask if he thought you should try them. I watch you try them.
You spit them back out, repulsed, saying they’re sour,
and the next night I hear you praying, quieter, yet, asking
what the bullet felt like in his head, in his chest or wherever he shot himself,
asking if it brought inner peace, if it brought solace or silence. He is silent.
The next morning your eyes
and the chasms beneath them search mine, scour the pupils, the lens, the iris,
thinking you will find answers since he provided none but
I have none— I’ve never been a good student.
I’ve never known the answer.
Whenever I was called on in class, I was always silent,
but I always had a doodle,
or scrap of a poem, the letters so close together
but so far from making sense,
like you, when you come home from your buddy’s,
your eyes red and weepy because you’ve hit the bowl again and you’re coming back down.
Somewhere between the melting windows and the flaming couch, you tell me you’ve dropped acid again
and I try to lay you down but you refuse because you will drown; the bed is an ocean, after all,
and you have no idea how to swim.

im clenching the edge of the skyscraper called life.
you are the only thing keeping me from death.
I hear the angels call my name
and I hear the shadows whisper
I just beg you.....please dont let me go