I wish i still loved you. but you see i don't and i'm pretending like every things fine but what you don't understand is i can't sleep. I can't focus on anything but why i'm still here. here with you, or here at all. they say you can't love someone else if you don't love yourself, and i can't stop replaying that saying in my head because when we first met i hated every part of me and you put me back together. i started to love myself but here i am 18 months later and i'm back to 3am regrets of what drugs i haven't done. i'm beginning to hate myself all over again and i don't like this time i can be saved because i resent you for giving me light when all i really wanted was the back seats of unfamiliar cars. I guess some people fall in love with whats on the inside but i think that's a load of horse **** because every guy i've met has only fell in lust with what's under the clothes. I never got to thank my best friend for saving my life four years ago. I don't even think she knew she was saving my life, i think she was just trying to be a *****. i put myself in ****** positions because i like the pain and i like the thought of "these last days on earth". i won't grow up to be a wife or a mother, i won't grow up to make my parents proud or to get a masters. i pretend that i'm okay, but when you left i think i was far from okay and i think people saw that and forgot to ask. or maybe they saw it and just didn't care. or maybe they didn't see it and i'm a really good ******* liar. i can't stop blaming you for my pain and for my suicide notes that are crumbled up under my bed. i haven't done it yet because i'm thinking of exactly what to say that will hurt you the most. i fall in love with anyone that tells me i'm pretty or anyone that wants to take my shirt off. i fell in love with the word **** and ***** because that's what i learned love really is. two people can be in love but still love what others do to them so they break the ones who aren't broken and then the broken pretend like their fine. the ones that pretend like their fine, the ones who don't have to **** in their stomachs or wear bracelets are the ones who i'm scared for because those are the ones who will self destruct. those are the ones who will show us all that you can't leave a little girl in a store by herself or she'll start believing that everyone leaves. when she believes that she'll start pushing away anyone who tries to save her, especially the ones who are succeeding. so stop trying to ******* save me, stop trying to be my ******* hero. stop trying to pretend like you ******* understand. you see, that's why i don't love you anymore because my chariot doesn't turn into a pumpkin at midnight, my demons come out to play.

-the demon we all have (we just don't know it yet)

You've tasted the good parts of me and spit them out.
They were of no use anymore and
all you left me with was this black area that I tip-toe around.
I put on makeup, band aids, gauze and wrap,
but I'm always so careful not to touch it.
It makes me flinch with searing pain;
it would crumble my soul again with just a deep look in.
That soul I fought so **** hard to save,
but yet here I am:
staring
gazing
into the mirror all along the jagged edges of this hole.
I trace the mirror reflection of it with my fingers.
My angry fingers, bruised, red, cracked...
Fingers that would have never looked good in a ring from you.
Maybe just for tonight,
"Just for tonight." would be what an addict would say, I think with a laugh.
But maybe just for tonight, I'll dip in.
So I shut off my phone with sad, angry fingers
that would have never been beautiful.
I was beyond ready to be swallowed up.
Taking my ring finger,
the finger a ring would have lost shine to be on if someone had ever seen me that way,
and dip it in the liquid black abyss.

i'm gonna wade into the river tonight
feel the current sweep me off my feet
the water will tell me how i should see
i won't even try, won't put up a fight
because i can't keep you to me any other way
you're gone before my eyes
and my legs are already beginning to sway
but please tell me before i go any deeper
if you were here would you try and stop me?
and because it's the right thing to do
or because i was all you could see
it's cold and my hands are all twisted
but i can't even think of me
just where i want to be

I'm alive
I want to die
I hope you're happy
I hope you cry when I'm gone
I smile all the time
My smile is fake
I have so many friends
I have so many blades
I have a family
They hate me
I don't need help*
I need saving

The past hurts like an ocean made up of opaque glass.
And you asked me to exist within the shatter-jagged fragments.
An amphibious creature,
Breathing the pain through shredded gills.
Numbed, bruised and bleeding.
Wounds are what they called them.
Battle torn from a thousand different edges.
Don't you feel them?
  The watery shards wedging into your sides,
  Piercing your lungs of the will to exhale.
I feel it, like rough hands upon my neck;
  Tearing through my flesh.  
  Slipping down my throat.
Till I'm choking on red.

You asked, and I confessed.
My passions, the black and the blue.
Inhaling the wine-water,
I want to save you.
Even with an ocean of glass standing in my way.
I want to save you.
Swimming and swimming, until this agony bled away.
I wanted to save you.
Even though I knew I couldn't.
*I wanted to be the one to save you.

So how did I become the kind of person that I am
By changing every part of me I couldn't understand
I wonder what I'll find inside the skin that I suspend
Or maybe what I've lost is more apparent in the end
And where is all the evidence I carried on my back
The weight of it has turned it into something inexact
A haziness pervading what I once believed to be
The only inconsistency I wanted to perceive
Secure in all my shakiness but never unaware
That I was going down a road that wasn't even there
And maybe in my head I thought I'd save a place for you
Until I came to realize that's something I can't do