I cry for my heart and for that, I am to blame.
I cry for my heart as it reshatters into a million sweet pieces every time I see the letters of your name.
I weep as my heart pumps poison to my veins and honey to my brain so my body feels the aches and my mind feels delighted.

You've loved another and I'm aware.
while I'm here picking up pieces of me and pieces of my pride,
you're out there, flirting with a date.

That's not fate.

Fate was you and I.
fate IS you and I.
And I know that you know this,
that's why I cry.
Don't you know this?

I'm insane? Define sanity.
If sanity is condemning my unquantifiable love for you and deeming it ephemeral then by God I'd rather be insane.
You are the heart of my heart, you are the mind of my mind, you are my sanity.
You are my prize, my precious,
my torment and the reason of my soul's demise.

And now look at me, what's left of me?
A mere leaf falling from a tree,
The tree that was my balance.
And now I'm shaking cold, old and frostbitten like an unwanted unwelcome cold December night while you roam like spring, blossoming and joyful.

What you've done is cruel.

My greatest fear is not losing you, it is losing myself after your departure.
My greatest fear is that this heart would fall to a disease it can never recover from when the cruel frost reaches my core.
I'm afraid I'm losing the ability to love.

The joker
I admired the joker
People think it's weird
The joker made me into a better me
His struggles caused insanity
For a while my struggle was his
He showed me what not to do
So I decided to do the opposite
And overcome
The joker was so mentally insane it killed him
I wanted to get out of the insanity and become sane again
And here I am
RIP The Joker

i feel as though i've not done something

but surely i would not forget

something of such an importance

that could cover my body in sweat

the fingerless grip, the threadless noose

clasping tightly as though to remind me
of something

it seems ive forgotten to do

-

what i have not forgotten

is to worry of things

that my earlier sanity tended to

at the end of the day

lying limp in my bed,


what it seems i forgot, was my head.

Pretend it didn't happen.
Act as if she is crazy
    for remembering: for being hurt.

Then act like her hurt
    has no basis in reality.

Call her crazy.  Emotional.
    Dismiss her humanity.
    Dismiss her.

Then, treat her with disrespect.
    When she objects,
    remind her she is
    too emotional, crazy,
    that her memory is flawed.
    She is less.

When you want something,
    rescind all this,
    remember tenderness and care.
    Flip again if anyone notices.

Keep her questioning:
    then she will stay silent.

I know who I am
    what I remember
    how I felt
I know who I am

There is this mantle
    thrown over me
    hiding my truth
    for his benefit.

I keep throwing it off.
I am not that person.

He, most of all knows this,
    yet his mask continues
    to be painted on my face.
    Even as he is away.

This is my biggest fear:
    that I become the image
    transposed on me
    and not myself.

Does Calski love Calski?
Sometimes I think no.
Confusion, addiction and destruction are his friends. Or his enemies. Or his lovers. Or his employers. Or tormentors

Choose peace my good friend and come home.
Sit by the fire of life and put up your feet.
The fire will burn but it warms too.
It makes bread and consumes what is given to it.

Stay by the fire of life my friend
And do not run away
Because outside it is cold
And you will be lost!

Sit by the fire of life.
Let it warm your heart,
Let yourself remember love
And let kindness take root.

Sit by the fire my friend,
Let it burn away your sadness,
Let it consumer your grief as you gaze into its flames.
Sit by the fire and weep, let your eyes sting from the heat.

Sit by the fire my friend
And let it make you whole.
Let it bake you into a wholegrain loaf of a man
(and remember that this cannot happen without discomfort).

Sit by the fire my friend
And do not worry if it seems too hot.
The fire of life burns bright near vibrant souls like yours,
Nothing is destroyed, only transformed.

So sit by the fire and stay. Where else will you go?
What will you find there?
It will not be life but something else!
And we have baking to do.

I knew he was special,
over what you call sanity,
he is still admirable.
                               Among his rejection,
                               I guess I just had to make sure that
                               craving him secretly,
                               was all I could possibly do.

I heard you today, calling my name.
The first person to give me that nickname
I heard it clearly, your voice ringing
in the school corridor.
I raced around the corner,
so desperate to see you.
The teasing smile in your voice,
like the way you called after me
when you wanted my attention,
when you wanted to tell me something.
I waited,
waited for you to say something more.
But I realized that you are another
person who has forgotten me.
The voice wasn't real, but I could swear that it was.
You are haunting me,
your ghost calling to me.
You are stealing my sanity,
making me delusional.
I'm losing my grip on reality.

"...few things are as capable of restoring the human soul as that of music..."

Dr. Silace Lamb, Stonehearst Asylum