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Lisa Neu Oct 2018
Evasive, foolish, time user
Sleepy, silent, giver of life
Nodding off, filling in
Soft, warm, puddle of moments
Dreaming, scheming, slowing
Opaque reality, necessary
Unwanted in a meeting
Liquid of vitality
Please, let me sleep!
Lisa Neu Oct 2018
Living with PTSD is like riding a horse, feeling the crisp breeze, the exhilaration of the gallop, the rhythm of the horse's hooves, and the synchronicity between the rider and horse.  The goodness of life captured in the view over fields and valleys, the smell of grass and flowers, and the beauty of the sunset on the horizon.  

And out of nowhere the trigger knocks me off of the horse.  Just before I black out I see the bottom side of the horse, and his powerful hooves, right over my head.  And then there I am, on my back, smelling dirt and manure, and not knowing at all where I am, or how it is that I came to be there.  Panicking and alone, the sound of horses far away.  This can be made more confusing when someone next to me blames me for falling, as if I have fallen on purpose.  This is what it feels like.  

My horse came back today, and I'm not astride yet, but he's standing here warming me, waiting for me to climb back up, nuzzling me with his warm, wet breath, and communicating that the view is great, the air is crisp, and the rhythm of the ride awaits.
Lisa Neu Sep 2018
A bow tied
With delicate precision
Made beautiful in the form
And held in tension

A promise believed
Fragile in humanity
Durible in hope
Generous, free

A conversation
Steadiness, connected

An opening
Everything could be broken here
Resisting the urge to close
Because the goodness lies within
Terrifying and terrific
Lisa Neu Sep 2018
I don't know--
          If you know
That you've been systematically
Turning all my lights
Back on.

7 Aug 2018
Lisa Neu Sep 2018
The ability to take one step
Was all I could do
     In the dark
     When I felt alone
     A mask over me
     Hiding me and my truth
Taking one step
Choosing a direction

In the dark, cannot see
Trusting, hoping, believing
     In the tiny speck of light
     Barley visible, so small
     Could be it isn't there at all

One step, then another
     Speaking quietly

Awakening one day in a new place
     A good place
In something new

7 Aug 2018
Lisa Neu Mar 2015
People look away
    it is easier to find fault in me
    than to hold him accountable.

His position wins for him respect
    despite his actions of disrespect.

He is assumed to be:
    blameless, holy, good;
    compassionate, caring, together;
    but he is also human.

In his humanity is the capacity
    to do harm, to hurt others.
    And he has hurt me.

I do not blame him
    though he is responsible.

I offer forgiveness instead,
    because that's who I am.

Ironic: my virtue sets him free.
Lisa Neu Mar 2015
Pretend it didn't happen.
Act as if she is crazy
    for remembering: for being hurt.

Then act like her hurt
    has no basis in reality.

Call her crazy.  Emotional.
    Dismiss her humanity.
    Dismiss her.

Then, treat her with disrespect.
    When she objects,
    remind her she is
    too emotional, crazy,
    that her memory is flawed.
    She is less.

When you want something,
    rescind all this,
    remember tenderness and care.
    Flip again if anyone notices.

Keep her questioning:
    then she will stay silent.
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