I would be amiss
Iffen I were to dismiss
What a seemless bliss


What a lie is this
To pretend that I don't miss
Our soft and gentle....


Silence on my lips
Though my heart's Gaurd lay remiss
A good man's premiss


My soul beckons, "Bis"
I guess what I'm saying is
Wonderful was our....

The Perfect way to know for sure is “wait”
or you’re just leaping to the next thing you think that’s great, with a chance of running against fate.

Given a fairy-tale reality
You try your hardest to fight the insecurities
a motivation to finally learn to love yourself
The default setting,
”It's too good to be true."
embraced the idea of bliss soon fleeting

The beginning
Was everything sweet and heart-melting
it was pleasant and pure, simple and warm
It's sitting closer to you just to steal a little warmth
a lovely secret you swear to kept to yourself unless Otherwise
It is a fresh start from hell since you got into your birthday skin

The Otherwise happened
it was so unexpected
like two painters meeting in the middle of the canvas
Realising what they were painting
was just half of something wonderful
and together you created a masterpiece without knowing

Retracing that your entire life was leading up
to this
being overwhelmed
natural instinct kicked in
But being Home
Prevented it from happening
being home disconnects the motherboard

It was like being crippled your entire life
then given a walking stick
And I would ask for nothing more

Just grateful you added a new colour palette in my life
wishing. With you
I could finally
walk slower and enjoy the view I have always loved
Hoping we'd walk to the end hand in hand

How I wish we are so far away from the end
knowing even when we do
Hands would still be linked after crossing the line

I want the entire room to be filled with paintings we paint
trusting nothing could torch it, even with a burning fire Match

Wishful silly thinking hoping it becomes reality.
Sam 1d

I would be your sword, if you would be my shield.
I would fight away your sorrows, if you protect me from myself.

If you would be my rose, I would be your water.
I would keep your roots alive, and show you how to thrive.
Without you, I would dissipate.
Eaten by the soil.

I would be the clock, if you would be my hands.
I'm stuck here in the past, and need you to move forward.

If you would be my kite, I would be your wind.
I'd take you to new heights.
Embracing every ounce of your beauty.
Showing you off to the world.

I guess it's nice to dream.

When looking into your eyes,
those fiery embers of amber gleaming right through me.
I look for the soul, faded but I recognized it, barely there.
You were trying to pull the familiarity within us away from me.
Yet something was amiss and amazing, hands shook and done with the usual introductions.
I saw you for the first time, I mean saw inside of you,past you,around you and saw what you really are. The first time we met, I knew- I knew you.
Every time, I stare into those eyes I get a glimpse of your soul. A feeling of awe whenever our eyes meet.
And I know; I know you, a feeling familiar yet distanced, here but gone. I knew right then the whole infinite you. My soul recognized your imprint upon my soul.
It dawned on me then that it was meant to be.. That this whatever was supposed to be....... Whether for just a moment, a century or a decade you were going to change me. For better or worse, I needed to just take the ride.
Standing outside in a cold rain, we both talking are enjoying the moment.. Just to be... When of course I make a smart ass comment and then.. Everything around us didn’t matter for that one moment.
As you drew me in I recognized a small flutter behind my stomach, as your lips touched mine, the whole world slowly slipped away. I run my hands through that dark brownish red hair and feel everything you are... The tenderness of the touch of your lips to the deep yearning of what you wanted it to be. Your scruff rubbing against my pearly white chin and raspberry tainted lips. I smell the manliness ; your scent, I smell you. Fingertips quivering, lips trembling,It all becomes Overwhelming, loving, everything around us fades to black and the only thing I feel is you imprinted upon me. My lips are swollen my breathe is shallow as you delve deeper with those lips upon mine.
We back away and the world is slowly turning to that dull grey day, I first felt you, the need was overwhelming, just to get a taste of you.
As we turn to say good bye, I flinch, the rain starts to get cold on my arms and that devilish grin gets settled on your face; as we walk away. I turn, blushing and a smile returning to my lips. Why was that so amazing. I’ve kissed thousands of times and nothing has ever taken my breathe away. Not even “Just a kiss”

1697
The moon is lit and the sky is bright with the glow of the moonlight. I was no older then seventeen, when you changed my dreaded life...
My feet echoing down the hall reddish curls flowing down my back, the feel of cold stone upon my feet, no need to dress, running just a few beads of sweat. I have this need to just get away from this life. I want to run, be free and never have to listen to a dreaded scream from a kitchen maid again.I needed to write.
The music flutters by; as I get a glimpse of the masquerade inside, masked people just dancing and drinking away, as I run past I am free and can only run to the gardens. Book in hand and wind at my back, I sit down just to relax.
As I sit, the air scented with roses and lilacs, I take the scent in, the feel of the cold bench, the smell of the crisp air, I sit upon a stone cold bench. Breathing just to relax....

“Lucky is my life in this castle, to the outside view, within the castle walls I feel caged. Small and unhappy nothing but leery voices, filled with dread echoing upon the walls, dreary and dreaded my kingdom might fall...”

I feel something, this ache inside my heart, connected to something, an energy, it felt familiar and comforting. I stop writing in the moonlight, and look up to see a man a shade darker then me, big fiery ambers that dwell with his soul melding me into utter silence as he walks ever closer. I hold my breath taking in his beauty. He towers above me, his warm fingers entwined into mine, as I gasp for a breathe because his beauty was beyond any I had seen, his dark hair molded perfectly to his face, long back locks shoulder length and ravenous his lips slip onto mine,a warm inviting kiss that leaves me familiar and filling me to the brim with a quietness I had never felt .His warm inviting hands intertwine into my porcelain skin, his lips pasted upon my own, leaving his soul bared and open.
He slowly pulls away for no words could say how wondrous that could feel. I watch him hand me one single deep red rose, thorns abound, I grab this rose and hold onto it for dear life. He walks away, no words, no Good-bye or even who he was. My mind wonders back to this moment day after day... The questions starting to rise and brim within my head.
Never had I been kissed before .....
Who was he?

Insert from a book I started writing a few years ago..
Styles 1d
Red

Devil in a red dress,
she will tear you apart.
As quick as a whip,
as sharp as a dart.
trample on your dreams,
I tried to warn you from the start.
Daddy's little girl, spoiled rotten , right down to her heart.
loves getting what she wants,
and she wants what she wants.
She's hotter than sunny day;
  her smile - take your breath away
devil in a blue dress
that plays so ruff
even the bad boys don't stay
but she's heaven sent
cause God, made her that way.

Styles 1d

I want to slide my fingers
out of my pockets
into your lap
in between your legs
and push your buttons
until your eyes roll into your head
and pass out and go to bed

Styles 1d

Bound by flesh;
                      We are,
                        oblivious to our minds,
                        chemical reactions.
                        Enamored with desire,
                        guided by our pleasures,  
                        driven by our actions.
                        Engrossed by lust; thirsty.
                       The primal rush;
                        the absolute of attraction
                        Prisoners of our passions.
                        animal instincts
                         is our human nature; our habits
                        we fashion.

Styles 1d

I'm too bad for you
your too good to me
we were meant to be
you are, baby your my destiny
its so plain to see
the way your drawn to me
like a flower to a bee
you were made for me

College taught me nothing except about my existence.
College tasted my pain, and tested my persistence.
College stabbed my brain, broke my heart and made me reminiscent.

But listen,
That's not where the story starts.
We'll begin with Juan going to Steelers Town with hope in his heart,
Big dreams in the clouds, and all the stars in his eyes.
It wasn't till after he unpacked,
That the lonliness settled in and decided to attack.
I truly was alone, with the social skills of a yak.
But I realized no one knew me,
This was the golden opportunity,
To reinvent myself into a brand new me.
I called myself Tony, and got it from my middle name,
Forced myself to be social, to play the friend game,
It was insane. I never thought I could do it,
And to this day I wish I didn't go through with it.
I made a few friends who were pretty cool,
Kinda weird, but that's dope in an art school.
One of them introduced me to the wonders of weed,
Didn't do it at first cuz it wasn't something I need,
Couldn't deal with stress and two weeks later, I let it get me.
Smoked weed for the first time in June of '15,
It pulled me in, kissed gently then it bit me.
My girl didn't like it which caused some fights,
Trying to talk about on the phone caused sleepless nights.


I was 17.
That's when I met her in class,
Didn't care enough to even talk to her ass.
But when I did she enchanted me, like some kind of witch,
Ended my good relationship,
So I could live under her,
And her dictatorship.
Short girl with the big eyes that looked like the stars,
Eventually we started dating and Earth changed into Mars.
She had dreams of being a designer,
And owning lots of cars,
A big house, a dog and a loving happy family.
The only bad times happened when she was mad at me,
Arguments fueled my self hatred,
And fed my agony.
But I was blinded by her beauty, and my foolish heart,
Didn't even see what she did when she tore my life apart.
She cheated on me, and I broke it off,
Stayed with the pack, because alone I felt lost.
I Smoked and drank but the pain never faded,
Worse and worse days followed like their timing was belated.
Now, I learned what it was like to dance with the devil,
But I never knew the dance would leave me disheveled.
I never stopped moving, because my heart couldn't settle.
The pain was too intense for me to take,
Every time I saw her face I'd start to shake.
Those eyes. Those big brown eyes,
Those judgemental, heart cracking, big brown lies.
Those black moons that were glued to her face,
She chased me for months but I needed my space.
She broke me down eventually,
And I let her back in.
Those perfect liars of hers made me think we would win.
But things turned bad just like before,
Nothing but fear, anger and attitudes galore.

I hated myself for intentionally bringing her back,
I felt like a man who got himself addicted to crack.
I decided that it would be best if I'm single,
I could hang with my friends again, go to parties and mingle.
I was imprisoned in a fucking toxic relationship,
But I got fed up and eventually gave up on that shit.
Two days before I broke it off forever,
I got the news:
We had made a baby together.

My world spun,
I felt sick, no, I felt afraid
Was instantly terrified of what my mom would say.
I couldn't do it, I didn't want to stay,
But I could possibly have a son one day.
Eventually I'd have to own my voice,
So I decided to man up.
I made my choice.

In her life, I did contribute,
But this story's too long so....
To Be Continued.

For the section of my life that I spent in college, and after, many things happened. I've decided to break each chain of event into sections that I call:
The Tale of Tony Ortiz.
This is the part that talks more about my love life when I went to college.

On our way through winding roads of trees
We have been driving for hours
On our way to sequoia
But we are used to this now
On this trip along the west coast
Driving hours in a day to stop and camp
We see a little sign for Hume lake off to the right
It is an area of big buildings
Adorned with crosses and Jesus’ name
A Christian church camp
We park and step out
Walking across the way
To a small little food shack
Waiting in line among a dozen construction workers
Grateful for their presence
We order two burgers
The only thing on the menu
I take the tray making my way through the maze of workers to step out the doors
We sit at a table with a view of the lake
His brother is a new father
To a baby girl
Lucilla
We sit
Talking about children
What we would name our kids
generic
Or unique
Meaning
Or none
And At what level
We agree the name has to work in both languages
Both of us talking between bites
I tell him I liked having a unique name
Reflecting on how I got to be the only Isabella in a sea of Mollys in grade school
He tells me he liked having a common name
He tells me how his family celebrated the simple names for the three sons
We ponder these two view points
Wrinkled foreheads
As I reach to grab a drink
And a few fries
It seems overwhelming
All of the possibilities
We let names roll off our tongues
Letting them sit in the air
Imagining calling Elena or Juliana in for dinner
Does it feel right?
I close my eyes in the sun and picture a little girl
Bright eyed
With his hair
my lips
Is she a Camila?
Julieta?
What will she be like?
How will her laugh sound?
Will she inherit my jokes?
The sun feels warmer than usual.
Here sitting in front of a deep blue lake
Pine tree reflections
Thinking about names for our children

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