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Nothing Much Dec 2015
I know how this feels
I remember the ache in my throat
the sting in my legs, my wrists
I remember swallowing rocks until I sunk dancing on a frozen lake
searching for the thinnest ice
and yet I'm crawling back to the darkness
the heaviness, the cold
frozen fingers and shaky hands
reaching for something silver
precious metals releasing rubies
that fall, one by one by one
Here we go again
I can see what's coming
For God sakes I planned it all:

No more purging
No more cutting
No more burning
No more inhaling
No more smoking
No more starving
No more head-banging
Or wall-punching
No more sleepless nights
No more
No more
No more

Yet that is all there is
Is more
And more
And more

More scars
More bruises
More burns
More blood
More tears
More anger
More pain

Pain
Pain
Pain
That's all there is is pain
From sunrise to sunset
From sunset to sunrise
All is not the same
Yet in and of the same

Lost
That's all I am
Is lost

To God
To the world
And to myself
LovelyBones Nov 2015
TW
The things I would do for a knife in my palms, slicing and slitting away
Hoping for blood and hitting the vein that keeps all the demons at bay
How I miss the feeling of thoughts never to be found
Heart in my head, pounding away, the beautiful, thundering sound
Ages its been since I felt the sting followed by a pause
Like a thousand daggers ripping away the hurt that you have caused
A smile slithers over, seeing the crimson stained upon soft skin
In the end, you understand that you can't ever win
Heidi Mason Nov 2015
going one step forward, two steps back
can't seem to get my life on track

two steps forward, four steps back
I can't find the answer I'm looking for

three steps forward, seven steps back
my mind can't relax

one step forward, three steps back
can't you tell this is a relapse?
JustChloe Nov 2015
I bought my self a scale
Got a new cutting instrument
And have a new pro ana website
Im back ana *******
And this time ill be skinner than you
Shay Nov 2015
Cut
I stare at the veins so prominent on my wrists –
think of the sea of blood rushing through my body with lots of twists.
The cold metal blade I am twirling in my hand
screams to be used to cut open and release the ocean of red – I don’t quite understand
why I want to bleed out and become a sinking ship or consent myself to die.
This desolation has me wrapped around its finger and the monster of destruction I must abide by.
Shay Nov 2015
My emotions are obstreperous once more,
I cannot think straight; this sensation I abhor.
The impulse is too strong and the relapse is near,
it's racing through my bloodstream - that alone is clear.
It's screaming at me to be released quickly,
and the anxiety building up is making me feel sickly.

I reach for the blade after four months clean,
why to myself must I be so mean?
It burns and stings as I drag it across my wrist,
every sin and feeling is freed into the midst.
This is yet another battle that I have managed to lose,
another fifty wounds leaking out a red sea and I have lit the fuse.
AmberLynne Oct 2015
All
            my old scars have faded away, requiring a prolonged glance
            to distinguish the results of my past anguishes.
            My weapon of choice unavailable, I sidle into the kitchen
            and looked for a suitable substitute.
I
            sit on the floor, tracing over the places I
know
            they hide with the tip of a knife held gently in my hands.
            My mind sputters along slowly, trying to engage my heart.
            But once I’ve reached the point of seeking
pain
            directed outward, my emotions have dissipated,
            and my personality flat-lines.
10.26.2015
This one is terrible, but at that moment I needed to be able to get some feelings out more than worry about the quality of the poetry.
TedH415 Oct 2015
You’d think that when someone tells you they love you and want to be with you that they actually mean it.
If not why say it?
The dedication and truth behind their little blue eyes seems so very real.
The illusion of safety
Thats what I call it
the illusion that I have control over how other people feel about me.
the illusion that I think I know whats good for me.
the illusion.
When someone tells you these things it makes you feel special.
Why?
Theres nothing special about any of those words, or any other words that are supposed to make you feel good about yourself and your situation.
You believe it to be true
Just because you like lying to yourself
she didn't betray you.
you betrayed you
you lied to you
she just did what she did
and it had nothing to do with you
it was her fun, her idea, her problems, her hate, her love, her confusion
you did you
and she did him
you did you
and she did them
A brick to your face
it feels kind of refreshing though?
doesn't it?
its still just another addiction
you might as well grab the
needle
spoon
happy face wax paper bag
powder
white
pour
squirt, mix, stick, pull
puncture
pull
blood pours in like a jellyfish
hold your breath
push
all pain is gone
it is all good
you're all good
everything is now fine
you love yourself again
Ciel Oct 2015
Sometimes the world hands you moments.
Quiet moments,
Like lonely late night bus rides,
Where everyone is drooping in their seats
After long days at work.
Like hospital waiting rooms,
Where people are too tense,
Mouths clenched shut,
Only opening their mouths to whisper
Words of prayer.
Like early Sunday mornings,
When family is sleeping in,
And you lie alone
With your thoughts
Your body still too heavy to get out of bed
Like trying to run through water.
These small moments,
These little gifts can be wonderful,
Until the loud silence
Leads your mind to dark places
Filled with the wild hushed voices
You've always tried so hard
to keep untouched and noiseless,
Like you do late buses
Or waiting rooms
Or being awake early Sunday mornings.
But your thoughts drift towards them
And reach through the gaps,
Pulling and tugging at the monsters
And creatures you've tried so hard
To stuff away in the little boxes
In the corners of your brain,
Piled with forgotten toys and old socks
All of them covered in a thick layer of dust.
They've clawed out too quickly
For you to stop the probing fingers,
And suddenly you're trying hard
To stop tears from flowing,
But it's like trying to stop water from flowing
Out the gaps between your fingers,
You have no choice but to wait
Until there's no more water left to flow,
Or the bus ride is over
Or the doctor calls you over
Or you can't wait anymore
And you just have to get up
And go somewhere where the voices can
No longer be heard.
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