I don't know why
                                             I feel so down today.
The other day I
                                             Saw my best friend, as sharp as ever
Had her sharp nail
                                             go against my belly softly....
I thought seeing her
                                             would bring me pleasure
But instead I felt
                                             the old fear and sadness
I grabbed her wrist
                                      and told her to go back where she came from.
All she left
                                       was a long pink mark on my tummy
Now, that day
                                       I almost went back into old ways
All I could see at the moment
                                       was the scars I would have the rest of my life.

One year ago exactly,
In the moment I relapsed faster
Than how fast I was running from myself.

It had been about a year too
Before I closed the door on
Hoping to have grown.

I was sent away
And blamed for that.
They said "You said the right things
And did this on purpose"
Well I can't say I did that,
But I can say I finally opened up
And asked for help
And this is what I got for that.

Now everytime I smell
The smell of tide detergent
And see that color green
On the meridian scrubs
I flinch and stop breathing.

I wish I never opened up,
I wish I never asked for help
Cause now the shackles on my brain are getting heavier in that section.

But it showed me a new perspective,
Didn't get the help I was wishing for
But I grew older, wiser, and nicer.
Now I'm a fighter for the kids like me
So I guess I have grown a little.

the water's changing
finding places to sink into
breathing deep
breathe's my type of food

we're getting older and
as i'm drifting further
i'm feeling farther from
myself

it's tight, again
i'm crammed, crying again
it's taken a while to lift my head
to see the light of hope again

i'm missing something but
it's beckoning
it's a pre-quarter-life crisis
it's pretty close to failure

my mind's buzzing
rarely sleeping
it's taken me seven months to realize
i miss therapy

it's no fun again
it's drivin off a cliff
it's tiring and it's dark out at 4pm
i'm trying to look somewhere else

maybe close my eyes instead

i really been out here
really been missing myself

I have to stay away from things that drive me mad,
Things that bring back thoughts that I stored away.

I remind myself of this as I see the signs,
I thought I was over this, I have been happy,

And yet here I am once again
crying over the me that could've been.

I am sick of crying, of feeling this way
I'm sick of comparing myself to other people
I am sick of the insecurities that wait around the corner,
Latching on later like leaches.
"Shut up!" I scream at myself.
"what is my problem?"
Even I can't answer that one.

Last night was the worst as I started to assign thoughts to everyone
My head hasn't been this loud in a while.
"They are laughing at you."
"They are annoyed and blame you."
Do others find me annoying?
Cause I do.
"You're pathetic"
"you cant do anything right"
"Its YOUR fault."
Spiraling and spiraling


I find myself apologizing for things I have no control over
"Why do I keep apologizing? I have no need to"
I wish I could stop and stand up for myself for once

I love it when angry fire fuels me
Cause it is during those moments that I don't care
"I don't care what you think"
"I don't care of your opinions"
"Shut up and stop telling me what to do!"
I mutter these words under my breath as I bite my tongue.
Because there is no point in starting a fight I may or may not win

So I go home and cry it out,
But I don't even have the energy you need to release the excess
This will only make sense to some as I have a very topsy-turvy brain.
Everything feels upside down.
I have taken a trip to wonderland where everyone is mad and very little makes sense.
Where is my mad hatter? They make me feel sane.
I need them in the air so I can feel the ground.

Her soothing words and our long talks bring me back up
I wouldn't have made it out without her guidance.
My mind is quiet once again
Thanks mom.

i left her in hope to become a better person.
because she was toxic and her hobby was to strangle me,
and she whispered me a string of disastrous talks.
she kept me in my bedroom, tied me with rusty metals that i could smell my bleeding wrists,
she screams to me every night on how much she loves stabbing me in the chest.

i left her to become a better person,
i said i left, but really i ran away.
i threw away our memories that seems to be nothing but full of tears,
i start anew and tried to ****** happiness by giving him smiles and laughs.
i spend my weekend and evenings with happiness, so i could forget my ex lover named sadness.

even so,
every ceiling i looked up to remind me so much of the endless hugs sadness gave me
every floors i stepped on remind me of the time sadness dragged me away everytime i walk,
every place i was at reminds me of the way she held my hand tight, so tight that i was full of bruises.
while im chasing on happiness, which was still far away from me,
i miss sadness, who was always there for me.

i miss my ex lover, and her name is sadness.
but i think she will come back to me again soon, i’m sure.