perhaps
there's a relapse
in order

because
i remember
that a few years back
everything
made me sad
or bored
or upset
or pessimistic

and i'm not
antagonistic
but the
depressed me
couldn't think of
anything happy

and ten times
i tried

i tried to **** myself

the eleventh time i tried was last year

so it's been awhile
but not long enough

and now i'm feeling
negative
sad
desolate
again

and i don't want there
to be
a twelfth time

but i'm scared
i'll relapse
into destruction

and won't come out this time

twelve has always
always
been my lucky number

so if i try again
i'll
"get lucky"
and die

but i don't really want to die