today I am going to sit down and write
this is a simple task for some
but for me and my chaotic mind
it is a fearsome brutal acceptance of my own
personal destruction

*******.
Ahh...that feels good.
I don't care about being liked.
Who cares about being "right"?
Don't need to be understood.

I don't care about you.
Ahh...that actually feels like a "fix".
I didn't ask to be treated like that
so no need to ask why I'll treat you like this.  

I know, this is a bit rude.
I know you think my words are a little brash.
But shut the **** up though
because I didn't ask.

I could justify this energy.
I COULD give you the "why".
but I'm not gonna, so if you wanna leave
*******...goodbye.

But ! If you're one of the smart ones
the ones who actually get it
through all of these ugly slurs
you'll actually respect this.
You'll already know
there's two sides to every story.
You just haven't read the side that's selfless.

on my way home the other day
one sat beside me and wept

saying how one felt so sorry
for how hard it must be
to be
psychotic
and I said

I. AM. NOT.

she didn't care
she didn't even bother to hear
cause I am what I am for seen to be

it's a simple misunderstanding

but when she looked up
and I saw her pale face
she was sad and she was terrified & seemingly
completely disfigured
this distorted version of her was sitting right next to me
pleading to me
so
I choked on back my tears
until I couldn´t breathe

I wanted to cry
tell her everything I´ve been holding inside
but the torment it would bring
to her from me
was too harsh of news to bear

to my fragile mother

she´s told me time after time
that the things I do are not alright
but she didn´t listen before
so what´s one year more
of living in utter horror

what do you think I´m trying to achieve
your happiness means the world to me
your eyes don´t light up like they used to before
and now I stay up late at night
listening for the door

when I got home yesterday
my room was torn apart
all of my things scattered along the floor
I thought to myself
I cannot do this anymore

I picked up my belongings
and tried to stay strong inside
I keep telling myself everything is going to be alright
I do not want to die

I knew from the start
he was going to tear us apart

I know I´ve been told
we can´t just toss him out on the road

but when you´re scared to walk around your own home

you feel lost and confused
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO

I wait and wait for the day that I can move
so far away
I will miss you
so much
everyday

but things here aren´t okay
and for some reason, that´s how they have to stay