Toni D'Leangelo

Toni D'Leangelo May 2023

I had a crazy thought...
not like "**** someone" crazy
but it' s still somewhat crazy.

Like ,
I' d probably have more visitors if I went to jail
but I' m here alone in this apartment with not one friend to stop by just to hail.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not like "suicide" crazy
but like "What would they do if I die ?" crazy.

Like ,
They' ll probably cry cause I' m gone
but they won' t smile cause I' m here.
Reminisce on the "times that we had"
but what time did we share ?
Probably say things like
"You' ll never be forgotten"
with a cry so tender.
I' ll never forget all those years wondering
if I' ll ever be remembered.

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
Not like "revenge" crazy
but like "Then again..." crazy.

Like ,
what would it do to you
you know...
everything that was done to me ?
What if I made you think
your life was in my hands
cause it was fun for me ?
Or
make your battles seem not so tough
and even with your efforts supreme
I' ll make sure of this theme;
"It' s still not enough."

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
not exactly
"they' re all the same" crazy
but
I DO recall this pain.
Crazy.

Like ,
you left cause I hurt you.
And yes ,
I AM sorry I did.
But how come you couldn' t stay cause I helped heal you ?
Because I' m sure that I did.
Is there a better man for you than me
ya know one who' s...
"safer" ?
Someone who can fulfill your "Nows"
cause you just can' t wait for later.
What happens when your "Nows"
are gone ?
Will I come to mind ?
Will you be reminded that man
you' ve always wanted
was in me the entire time ?
Did you forget something
or
even a few things ?
Like
the plight
from all these fights
last all these nights
and yet
in spite of
the fright of
this traumitized man...
he' s still trying.
He was barely getting by when
life ,
friends and family
all went by him.
Frightened for his life
cause he was dying.
Crying
cause the heart inside him
was now divided.
Emotional chaos.
Mental riots.
It was never quiet.
****** sleep.
****** diet.
He should speak but he' s silent.
He has no peace with confiding.
"He' s too big ! He' s a giant
there' s no need to pacify him."
They deny they denied him...

Hmm.

I had a crazy thought...
What would it be like at my revival ?

Toni D'Leangelo Apr 2023

To Live , Is To Fight

L ike a thief in the night ,
I t came.
F aint entry yet fierce intention.
E veryone is at stake.

I' m
S cared.

W eary from our woes we all share
A deep need for...
R escue.

L ook at your guns and ammunition.
I t' s all primitive.
F or what' s really out there
E ven the strongest calibre is no match.

I' m
S ad.

W hen will rescue come ?
A nd what will it bring ?
R ather , who will it leave ?

L ong is the battle.
I njured are many....uncountable.
F rightened we should all be because
E vacuation is not up to us.

I' m
S tuck.

W ade in the warfare.
A bide by it' s laws.
R each the end.

L and of the Living.
I 've heard stories of such a place.
F inding It is the mystery , yet
E xistence of such a place is the pursuit.

I' ll
S tride.

W e' re all in danger and desperate.
A bsolution is a gift.
R ealize and remember that gift.

Imagine what' s hidden in the shadows and the sounds buried beneathe the earth. What if you saw it all ? What if you heard it all ? What would you care about then ? The world is a big place with mighty mysteries. It' s scary to think of what we haven' t experienced...but can. It' s scary to know , how "easy to ****" we all can be and it' s even more intimidating to realize what we' re all afraid of is all afraid of something else. Something mysterious.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

Watching The Rain

Sitting as close as I could
watching you
as if I' m stalking you
as you' re going and going
like the clock is too.

You sedate me.
**** near make me
feel somewhat like a baby...
small and under control
and less crazy.

You' re like a chief
Heavily respected in these streets
or a cup of tea
something to enjoy as you read.
Big and small
at the same time.
Only few can be.
As cool as the breeze
something to enjoy as you breathe.

Thank you
for making things feel fair.
As it relates to me
having a shared experience
seems rare.
You help me feel like everyone else
here.
Cause if you ask me
"Do you ever get tired of being different?"
Yeah.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

"In Case of An Emergency..."

"Suicide just may be easier if you' re able do it twice." - Passenger

What if death feels , good ?
Not euphoric....just good.
No state of ecstasy ,
not that kind of novelty.

Think of laying down ,
on a freshly-made bed , after a tiresome day.

Think of that first sigh of relief.

Envision the back of your eyelids
as all noise becomes no noise.

Feel your aching bones and stressed muscles softening against your comforting linen sheets.

Who knew , nothingness , could be so rewarding ?

Now ,

imagine your reality.

Is it against comforting linen ?

Mine feels swaddled in hand-me-downs.

In case of an emergency ,

hope.

Hope , that the "emergency" was just a false alarm.

In case of an emergency ,

pray...

then wait.

"Patience is a virtue"

but patience brought pain....

addiction

depression

questions.

I never could accept emergencies.

My mother having a minor stroke as I watched helplessly....

Finding my father ,
collapsed in pain unable to move...

Having a gun aimed at my head as I slept....

STD's....

Going broke.

Losing.

Hoping.

Crying.

Dying.

My heart stopped a few times ,
in a few ways.

There' s always some unfair compromise
with the promise of anxiety.

What' s the first thing you' ll do if you found out there' s no remedy for your emergency ?

I' d really like to lay down.

Oh by the way ,

I' m a Christian.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

A Really Nice Car. A Really Nice Road. Really Nice Music.

I always liked cars ,
but lately I' ve come to love them...
especially mine.
He' s not "really nice" but
he' s mine.
For that ,
I' ll always love him.

His name is Bruizer...
Bruizer Jones
...and he' s my car.
Not my first.
Hopefully not my last.
He' s my companion.
He' s family.

"Good boy"...
is what I would say
as I rubbed his dash.
Lord Knows he' s been through it.
And Lord Knows ,
I' ve been through it
...but Bru made sure
WE , got through it.

Most , if not all , would say
"It' s just a car".
Well ,
he' s making a lot of people look bad.
He stayed.
He fought.
He helped.
He assured me.
He carried all my ****.
I thank God for him.

Bru taught me the joy of driving.
And even as fast as he could go ,
with his tiptronic transmission an all ,
he taught me the joy of going slow.
He help me appreciate isolation.
After all ,
That just meant more "QT" with him.

I laughed with him.
I cried with him.
I clutched onto my life with him ,
cause I almost died in him.
Of course ,
he can' t laugh
or cry ,
but with listening skills like his...
he doesn' t need to.

I wish I could do more for him ,
everything the others didn' t.
I owe it to him.
He went to war with me...
and made sure I made it back home.
I know people that can' t do that.

Anyone that truly...REALLY knows me
knows that their dreams ,
become mine.
So if Bruizer could dream ,
I' d like to believe he' d dream for

Really Nice Music ,
on A Really Nice Road ,
cause he' s been A Really Nice Car.

Toni D'Leangelo Mar 2023

Don' t Fight , Toni.

I shouldn' t fight
because I don' t want to
because I' m scared to.

Because if I do fight...
I' m going to
hit you really ******* hard.
Because I don' t want to fight
and you choose to.
So I' m not gonna sorta kinda hit you...
I' m gonna really ******* hit you.
And I don' t wanna **** you
but I might
on accident...
and I can' t live with that.
I don' t want one fight
to claim two lives.

So please
see my peace.
Believe it.
It' s real and I promise.
It' s pretty much free.
Don' t fight me.

As much as I don' t want to fight
I find myself being apart of one. Sometimes I wonder if it' s my fault.
Which is strange
because I don' t wanna fight.
I wanna be heard. Yes.
Understood ? Absolutely.
Validated ? ****, at least sometimes.
More often than not.
But I' m not trying to
"win one over you".
I want us to both win
because like I said
my peace is real.

But so are these hands.
Don' t fight Toni.

Toni D'Leangelo Dec 2022

Ostrich

"Look at all those birds up there bro. Must be nice to have a view like that."

"What do you mean ?"

"To be able to see anything. Everything."

"Why do you wanna see everything ?"

"I mean , I don' t know if I WANT to everything but it' ll be nice to be able to ya know ? They make me jealous sometimes. Most times."

"They ?"

"Birds. They can just....go ya know ? Night , day , rain , sunshine. They have this....strange freedom."

"You DO know YOU' re a bird....right ??"

"Hardly. All I can do is run."