his hands
are firmly wedged
inside pockets
unwilling to risk
exposure to this
frost-coated morning
if he tripped
or slipped
stumbled
fell
even then
he would not rely
on their numbed support
he could not trust
that they would do
what was necessary
if called upon
deep in the sherpa-lined
abyss of his coat
his fingers remain
protected in gloves
clenched and wriggling
with all hopes resting
on a return
   of warmth
   of bloodflow
   of feeling
before he gets home
before central heating
   and chill-blains
turn his frozen tips
into scalding rods
when there is
no use but
to desperately
and ironically wish
that he could not
feel anything
at all

ive always wondered what its like to be a normal kid but always for weird reasons,
im safe, im loved, im fed, im cared for, thats what home is,
why dont I want to be here, im confused,
the secrets,
but im safe and they love me,
but they dont know me how could they love me,
I remember when I was really little and wanted to be like my dad,
except for the hitting and drinking and screaming, but I wanted to be just like him,
he was my hero,
anyones a hero when all you know are villains,
thats why you were my hero, you saved, and protected me
protected or smothered

If you look outside,
All you see is storm clouds.
It’s one of those days,
Where everything seems sad and gloomy.
The good thing is,
is That you can just lie inside,
And you have that sense,
That you are safe,
Protected,
And nothing will ever harm you.

When I met her
I was in a dark place
She made me feel better
alone with her I felt safe

When I met her
I fell in love easily
Me and her alone
protecting me in isolation furiously

Her's was the fear
but I knew why I had to be scared
the danger was clear
I wasn't meant to be shared

But hidden in front of everyone's eyes
better still behind closed doors
safe and sound and internally screaming
my lively body lying dead on barren floors

When I met her
to love her felt so right
easier yet but to walk amongst strangers
simpler yet to swallow all forsaken pride

Since I realized that I loved her wrong
that I only grew fond of her protection
I started taking her out on walks
I've written her a heartfelt song

"I love you dear,
you are my fearful guardian
and I thank you for reminding me
to keep an open eye, to always look for the hidden scorpion
Let me find comfort in you
when I know being terrified
makes less a fool out of me
but only a soul less traveled, barely petrified.

In my way of loving,
let me find my kind of freedom
I don't need you solving

Anxiety. "

When the armies rise, and I am scared,
you stand by my side, holding me in.

When I couldn't feel you around,
you whisper to my heart that you are with me, close within.

When fear and terror comes my way when death and darkness comes, I will not be afraid. For you are holding me by your side. Holding my heart tightly as they come by.

There she sat.
Leaned forward in my arms.
It felt like she belonged there.
My arms.
Her head nestled in the center of my chest.
My arms stretched around her shoulders.
Wrapping tight around her.
Honestly between us both I don't know who felt more comfortable.
Me or her.
The urgency of need. Warmth.
Her arms un-tucked from the center of her chest.
Wrapping underneath my arms. Squeezing the small of my back.
I love the way she hugged me.
I felt a sense of security. Holding her as close as I could.
I watched as she turned her head and made herself more comfortable.
This was who we were.
Explaining everything that needed to be said.
Reciting everything within arms reach