please stop
im done
i dont want to hear it
i dont care about the excuses

i did my part
i said sorry

i dont want to hear about why you cant

Musing through memories
For all I wish I could say

Yet when I hear the news
I cannot choose
So I act
I laugh
I say I am happy...

But the truth is;
I am in shock
How can this be?

I know
It's been 2 years
But even so
Can you do so?

Carry out the vows
This could be your last chance
Please make her happy
Please stay with her
If that's what you
Both of you
Want

I'm scared of what's inside my head
Don't make me right
Lost in a sea of doubt
Don't let me find out
What lies ahead
Unless it's good for me

What if
The game I always play
In my head

If
You are both so happy
And make a choice
Will I have a voice?

If
You agree
Will it be a gift
Or a curse?

Will it destroy us
Or make us grow stronger
As a family?

Remember;
I'm your baby girl
I want to see you smile
Do what feels right for you

But please,
Make it right

You only have one shot
Please don't throw it all away
Make this one count
Stay with her all your life
Make her the queen
Because no king deserves to be alone

Please
Dad
If you love her
That much
Then go get her
But don't stop loving her
Take care of her
This time...

- Jay M
May 7th, 2019

Please don't spoil endgame...

today i remembered what he smelled like.
i caught a whiff of something oddly familiar.
at first, i wasn't sure what it was,
but it hit me all too fast.
it was him.

i'm somehow always caught between forgetting he's dead
and remembering he's dead.
today i remembered.

chocolate axe body wash with a hint of lavender--
that's him.
it jogged my memory in an aggressive fashion,
almost intrusive.
all this time i was searching for him and came up short.
this time he found me.

the pursuit was long over.
after all, it's been almost two years
but there's something about it;
it shook me to the core,
it jolted me awake.
you see,
all this time i was asleep
in a cloudy daze
lost with no direction
but now?
now the quest continues with an unfamiliar sense of urgency.
how can i get to you?
how can i bring you back to me?
j.c.

we run long miles
run them fast
to the point
pointless

we run north and south
wave the crowd
to show them
emptiness

we run west
believe in east
to believe in
fakeness

stop
take the peace in rest

Push me away all you want
Love me and cast me astray
End my soul and show me darkness
Allow me to leave on my own
Send me your condolences
Envy my happiness

Please be immortal,
don't ever
go to a land
I don't
understand.

Don't ever drop
to a world
out of my control;
always be here,
always add to my whole.

You make my  two too;
my love is populated
because
of you.

I care for you
Don't you see?
I love you more than
limitlessly
Please, let me...
I don't mind
If you hurt me...