I
After the fall, I would never feel the same.
Nothing comes easy anymore,
Like the fall closed every open door,
Like the fall had so much left in store,
Like the fall became me.
Like the fall consumed all that I knew.
Like the fall walked around in my shoes,
Sang my tunes,
Learned my lessons, wrote my notes, wore my glasses,
Like the fall attended all of my classes.
It used up all of my bathroom passes
To sit in the stalls and mourn.
Nothing comes easy anymore,
Like the fall clothed me,
Like the fall closed me.
I don't live here anymore,
Nobody's home.
I never knew I would never be the same,
Same veins, same body, same brain,
But heart would never be the same.
Nothing would ever feel the same.
I never knew I could be evicted from myself,
Could be placed on a shelf
In a bedroom I have never been in,
Told to live in,
To fall in.
I never knew I could change so drastically,
But welcome to reality.
II
I never knew I could fall in love.
I am the fall and not enough,
People are the mourning dove -
They fly above my reach,
Above a surface I cannot breach -
And someday I hope they will teach me
How to fly with grace, but none look down.
Of course none look down.
That's how you fall when you're flying,
That's how you become the fall
While trying to be the fly.
That's how you become me.
Their feathers are never feathers in reality,
They have this kind of duality,
They are feathers and they are blades of grass.
They are steel and twine, but alas,
Strong as a bull, but shatter like glass.
III
A while ago, I wanted to know how to draw,
So I figured it out.
Now I want to know how to thaw
My heart out of its icy case,
Let it shine through the skin on my face,
And maybe feeling things
Won't be such a game of chase.
Learning to draw took a few years,
Learning to thaw may take a few tears,
And I doubt I will ever thaw at all.
That is a part of being the fall -
The thaw is so far off.
I wish the ice were as thin as people tell me.
No matter how much I skate,
There is never a crack to see.
I suppose that's the fare they charge to skate,
The height of the fee.
It never breaks, never melts,
Not that I can tell.
All this after the fall,
And the fall was only part the first.
