I've become accustomed to it
"Oh the pain, THE AGONY"
I repeat to myself trying to make things seem,

well, better. But I'm only making it worse
Wasting time saying phrases in hope that stress will magically leave my body forever
Belittling my feelings, thoughts, and emotions
Why do I continue?
Continue to continue
Repeatedly putting myself in worrisome situations, knowing the outcome, but constantly trying to avoid the reality of it all

You would think that if I were driving on a road, noticing a hazard, I would swerve. But not me

What do I do?
Constantly continue to put myself in situations I know will be hard

And yet, I have become accustomed to this feeling of stress, tension , and an overwhelming conscience

But somehow, whenever it strikes, it feels as though it's the first time I've been affected.

Losing people,
for me,
is a constant cycle.
No one ever sticks
I never knew it'd
end like this.

I want to run to you, I want you to hold me and tell me it will be okay.
When I am in your arms I can escape the pain and the hurt of the world.
When I am being held by you the darkness in my life fades away and I can see light again.

Since you have been gone, all I see is the darkness creeping back.
I need you to save me from the demons that hide in the overwhelming darkness.

Forlorn, floating in an ocean
that is not my ocean
a cacophony of foreign tongues and beer bottles
bang against my thighs
leaving bruises like souvenirs
or the memory of good luck kisses.
I am an island
littered with the debris of
another world
breathing and floating and trying
to reach you
like the swans
gliding through ****, dipping down
to gobble up things invisible
because I can only find you
when my eyes are closed.
You melt against my tongue before
I have a chance to swallow.

18, no sense of purpose.
A bottle of pills and ***** later,
you're lying in a hospital bed.
You're not awake right now.

People keep asking me to give you some advice,
saying, "You know how it feels, right?"
How do I talk to someone who's hardly even there?

This hypocrisy echoes like a church bell in my head,
I don't practice what I preach.
I ask people to reach,
out for me,
out to help,
but I can't even reach out to you?
I can't help the fear.

How do I tell someone it'll all be okay,
especially when I'm still fighting to find a reason to stay, myself?

I last saw you at Christmas, a family event.
You even had me fooled, cleaned up,
new job, going to school,
further than I ever expected to be myself.

But here we are again.
Same place, same tricks.

You're supposed to turn 19 next week.
I want to say I love you but I'm scared to delve that deep.
I want to say I love you, but I'm already a mess.
I want to say I love you but I can't lose somebody else,
I can't go to another funeral.
I've never been to a funeral for someone over 18,
please, don't make that change,
don't make the number raise.

Smoky blue eyes, can you see past the fog?
Haley, why won't you stay?
I promise, it fades.
I'm not strong enough for both of us,
give me a little leeway,
try,
stop pushing me away.

Haley, please,

Tomorrow's a new day.

July is unbearably hot in Wisconsin.
Lose yourself in the sun's rays.
Not the *****.
Not the pills.

How do I reach out to you?

I can't stop the fear.

~     Sometimes Its to much
*And i feel i may bleed to death of it

No one can see the pain in my eyes,
I guess my smile is t0o blindin
i am burstin 0ut with laughter,
meanwhile inside i am shakin and breakin
they are with me every day,
so they claim they are my friends and kn0w me,still
n0 0ne can see the pain in my eyes
i have hidden behind this wall f0r s0me time n0w,
when y0u make pain l0ok this g0od it never wears 0ut
it helps t0 keep life's h0rr0rs at bay
i guess my pretence is just all t0o real
it all adds up,it is my fault,always was,and n0w
no 0ne can see the pain in my eyes
i guess i can f0ol anyb0dy but myself
i am here fightin a l0sin battle
the th0ught 0f it eliminates and numbs my tiny bit 0f f0und j0y
i gasp f0r air and silently pray f0r strength t0 f0rge a smile
they never seize t0 l0ok at me,but
n0 0ne can see the pain in my eyes
i remind myself everyday that i am a str0ng being,
0r is that just me tryin t0 c0nvince myself 0nce m0re?
Because s0meh0w my tears have a way 0f tellin me 0therwise
i try t0 st0p them, but the m0re they keep c0min
silencin me,suff0catin me,tearin me apart better yet
n0 0ne sees the pain in my eyes
i cann0t seem t0 f0rget,but
i have f0rgiven myself,i have f0rgiven him t0o
alth0ugh s0metimes in the darkness 0f the night,
my dreams will transp0rt me back t0 that sadness
then i will need t0 wake up and learn 0nce again,h0w t0 f0rgive and be str0ng
n0 0ne can see the pain in my eyes
but i kn0w f0r a fact God is always there
and i feel His unexpected m0ment with me
His s0n did n0t jus wake up and r0se t0 the Heavens,
He w0ke up with a place deep inside 0f me
a sacred place created just f0r me and Him
He wh0 gave me life keeps me alive.

I've been at this whole depression and anxiety thing for far too long and it's like how many times do I have to keep pulling myself back up when life knocks me down

While others dream sweetly
in the comfort of their minds,
you scream in the hurricane of your own.
Your mind is a knot
and when you try to untie it,
it just gets more tangled.
All your faults and mistakes
throw themselves further into you.
They are a tidal wave
and when you try to swim,
you just get pulled in
deeper below the surface,
into the sea of thoughts, emotions, and dreams.
You keep wishing on the stars
but when you reach out to touch them
they just fly farther away
from the reach of your hand
which slowly retreats back
to its guarding position
shielding your ears
so that the voices will stop;
the silent whispers that are so loud
they make the walls cave in
and as they fall you are buried alive
by everyone and everything.
And once you dig deep enough into yourself,
it all goes quiet as an eerie silence
covers your entire body and you are still;
paralyzed with feeling as you try to block it all out
because it’s all too much.
And you remain frozen until the sun rises
and saves you from your mind.