We dont sleep,
we dont eat,
we block out as much of the world as we possibly ******* can,
and we drown ourselves in the depth of our mind
dragging the ones we love with us because we cannot bare losing them,
the way we lost ourselves.
We become the crazies,
the insanes;
labels in a world full of 'blank pages',
the outcasts that no one feels sorry for because we put ourselves in that situation.
WE skipped that meal
WE bled that word
WE drank the bleach
and
WE tied that rope around our ******* necks
because of words that could never hurt
because you were bored
because you saw the surface
because you don't ******* care that we are you in another body.
I hurt the same way you do
but you don't see
because of the smile on my face
because the walls I built became my home
because I have perfected this ******* mask.
We sat alone in our rooms feeling the weight of your judgement roll down our cheeks and into our hearts with knives and pens sticking out,
warping the way we would ever see the world again.
I want  you to know you are not alone
and that
yes
we made that decision
but it was YOU who pulled the strings on those puppets.

I don't want to be that girl
the one in the way
or the one who cries from the pain.
The girl that they look at and see needy.
I'm not that girl who needs people,
but every once in a while I need a friend.
Someone to be there as a shoulder to cry on
or to give me a hug on the few times I need one.
I don't want to be looked after
and I don't want someone always there.
I want to be alone to write
to draw
to cry
or to bury myself in my music.
I need them there during the hard times
the times I break and melt down.
When the pain gets overwhelming
and theres nothing I can do.
Just as I know that, that's when they need me.
I'm there for the hard times
for their melt downs
and overwhelming pain.
Yet, when I need them
they are no where to be found.
It hurts to know they don't see friendship
the same as me.
"Friendship isn't about being there when it's convenient,
it's about being there when it's not."
I guess a true friend is hard to find.

Fog fog fog
Smog smog smog
Am I polluting? Polluter? Polluted?
Same ol' air
Through these lips
To barely ease this choking.
Ragged breath gone stale.

I tried not to let it escape:
Curiosity's hound was too tempting.
It raged in my self built fortress.
So then I was hunting, hunter? Hunted?
But I was dragged after that same scent
Deep in ocean's depth
Thinking only of the shallows.
Hoping for only the shallows.

I'm just trying to unravel
The knots and ties.
Sometimes we need another
To bounce off,
We think.
Sometimes another
Is *another.
Sometimes that's too much.

I wind myself up over, over, over.
Still learning the ropes of this world
But it's a new world.
Yes, and I am an old soul and stuck in other times.
It keeps turning; new world, new world, new...
I'm more than a few turns behind,
Grabbing for the rope
Tied to fisherman's belt.
It dangles after,
Just. Evading. My grasp.

I'm overwhelmed
With the sky and the trees and my house and my family.
But on top of all that I'm overwhelmed inside myself.
I don't know if you can grasp that.
Its similar to having a blender going on in your head all the time.
I can't think straight.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
My mom thinks I'm sick.
I'm actually just overwhelmed.

Cosy, curled up inside
Overwhelmed - and ignorance was bliss
My brain muffled with cotton wool.
(This is how you found me)
When the edges inclined inwards it was worse.
I could feel it in its entirety then.
I'm trying to work through;
Let it ebb away ~
There is a sadness deep in my core,
Always.
Surely someday I will hollow out?

Leave me again
Where you left me the last time
I’m eager to feel something familiar
This temporary high I get from you
Is bound to end
The familiar feeling of being lost
Will be more than comforting

It's far too overwhelming for me to be so open
To place my whole heart
My whole being
Inside the palms of another human

You see the light at the end of the tunnel
But we keep pulling it away
You will have to live though your fears
Every single day