I don't
feel anything
at all,
but I feel
it all
at once.
The brokenness,
the misery,
the weariness,
and the shame
are like
being
drenched in silt,
caked in filth,
covered with
life's crud.
I reek
of the living river—
its currents
have carried me
into a sea
of everything.
Now,
I find myself
adrift
in an ocean
of everything
and nothing.

I woke with too much purpose this morning.
I swear it was me
who split the dark sky open
like pointed steel through wood.

The sharp hack of existence hit
when I visualized my wallet
on the kitchen counter,
leaning against that vase
with the snake on it.

Second in line
at the grocery store,
cart overflowing.

the flower has eyes
and she watches
as her pale petals curl and
turn brown on the edges, she
watches as she wilts, as her leaves
start to dry, she watches
as the parts of her she used
to admire start to fall, piece by
piece, and she watches as she
disintegrates,
becoming the dirt and she watches as
the housekeeper sees her and frowns and
then throws her away into the
trash.
she watches as she becomes
trash.
and she cannot save herself.

i sit there in my lifeless, cold, grey room,
the rain taps on my window religiously.
the mist of the newly brewed tea rises,
as the dull brown liquid stains the white porcelain cup.

i sit there thinking, dreaming.
thinking, dreaming of what could be.
thinking, dreaming of what will be.
i think and dream of suffering and of relief.
i think and dream of failures and of success.
i think and dream of monstrosity and of perfection.
i sit there thinking and dreaming.

the grey intensifies, overwhelms, and dominates,
every speck of grey aims to blind and to bind me.
the objects of my thoughts and dreams become reality.
monsters and angels seep out of the corner walls.

nothing is all i can do.
but sit.
thinking.
dreaming.
waiting to be devoured.

I’m a tornado in a bottle but you
Grasp my glass cage and you
𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌 𝘚𝘏𝘈𝘒𝘌
You take me by the (bottle) neck and you
Toss me flying in the air and catch
Me again, flirting with death like life
Is a game, and I’m telling you—
I’m telling you—
𝘚𝘛𝘖𝘗 𝘐𝘛, 𝘚𝘛𝘖𝘗 𝘐𝘛, 𝘓𝘐𝘚𝘛𝘌𝘕—

shattered glass bloodstains
no tears but shock freezing the lines
on your face pick up the pieces
no don’t let it cut your fingers.
sorry. sorry.
sorry. sorry. sorry.

all our money not my money not my life not my problem not my problem yeah I have time no problem, we have a problem
call your sister call your dad and then ring mom up
buy the groceries clean the fridge out find more blue bags and buy more blue bins and sort it all out just get yourself sorted and everything always works out for me but that popcorn seed is still in my teeth and my heart is screaming and yet scary unfeeling but you just have a sparkle to you, it's so great having you but we wish you never came and I wish I never came and we'll all wish to go somewhere else but we're still here smiling struggling to eat I don't like it but I'm eating it doesn't feel good but I'm eating finished the whole bag look I'm eating all these salt lines under fingernails forgot to cut them last week haven't touched my toes in god knows how long except for when I tripped in the shed big bruises on legs that don't feel like pulling their weight and I'm lost and stumbling and I'm not really falling because that would mean I was upright and I'm more of a horizontals kind of guy, I'm fine.

Today I woke up and I already knew
It was going to be
An Everything day.

It's what I call the days that you wake up and feel like your head is already full of bees,
And your stomach doesn't quite feel easy but rather queesy.
When I roll over to try to assimilate while I take in deep breaths, and as I stare at my ceiling I feel like my chest is exploding with every feeling under the sun.
I close my eyes as I try to decompress the vast,
Swirling Galaxy trying to remain contained within.
And the sounds of the fan in the background feels like the winds of a high mountain top and the light that randomly billows in feels like it's absorbing into my skin.

I breathe in
And feel it all fill my lungs with more than air but
Life!

And on the breath out, it all zooms back to me.

I go from the top of the cold Mountain view and it's icy winds that I was just breathing in, pulled back to the fan and the light in my window and as I exhale more air; the further I come back to my mind, my eyes open and there's that ceiling again.

The emotions and the thoughts still slowly swirling in and around me like the creamy designs that twirl clockwise in coffee after stirring.

I try to breathe,
But it just expands me more,
I breathe out,
I shrink into nobody
Until I become
No Thing.

How can I constantly feel
Everything and Nothing
All at once... For eternity...