why do you push everyone away?
why do you hurt everyone?
why do you hurt me?
why do you care so much about what they think?





why can’t i break free?

when I get stuck in my own thoughts
deeper and deeper into my own head
the compulsions become stronger
five times five times five
I repeat until it feels alright
until the iron vest on my chest loosens
until my hands bleed from overwashing
I'm finally clean
until I slip further
and further again
repeat

dig to soothe the obsession.
become acquainted with the bumps
along your scalp,
grimace at the knolls and lumps
and curse the imperfection.
you know what you came here for.
to seek solace from the ache of a brain
by roaming just along its shell.
the pain is hell
but the peel makes it worthwhile.
finally you skim chemical pleasure
with chipped keratin,
physical meets mental
in one scrape of a mining nail.
here in a languid stupor you lay
languishing in a deal between pleasure
and decay.
fade away
while you dig at the earth of your body.

You don’t know my mind,
My thoughts, my reasoning
Behind my actions.
What to you may seem selfish
Or simply eccentric,
Is what I need to do
To function, to continue
Breathing without hyperventilating,
Completely breaking down.
So please be patient.
You don’t know what I’m going through.

The thing about loving and OCD is that every tree in the woods has your name carved into its bark
Every attempt is misspelt perfectly in calligraphy
You’re the most beautiful mistake I have made
Note: Never take a nature walk again
Remembering to forget you is an impossible phenomenon
Like riding a bike
Except I never learned how to ride a bike
But I do know how to breathe
Unless I think about you then suddenly my lungs collapse
You were my oxygen, or a necessity if you prefer
And my therapist told me getting some fresh air would be therapeutic
Like riding a bike in the woods
The only problem with this serenity is you took my oxygen away from me
You are in everything I once breathed
Not to mention I never learned how to ride a bike
And every tree has your name engraved
An everlasting reminder of the beauty in toxicity

when i was younger,
my mom would turn the mirror to me with bright eyes.

"look at my beautiful girl!"
she'd say.
her truth was the only one that mattered,
and so i'd smile,
crooked teeth and disheveled hair
because, well,
if she thought i was beautiful,
surely i was.

i'm sixteen, it's been ten years.
time has worn my confidence thin.


i can't look in the mirror anymore.