Trapped in a mindset of fantasy.
Cradling beliefs with no foundation in reality.
Alone in a mind of oil.
Staining all who brave my touch.
Familiar faces soaked in anxiety.
They stare with memories I long to forget.
These glossy eyes that fear closing.
Moving.
Shifting.
Seeing.
Worlds will fall.
Perceptions will alter.
These words are caught in my throat.
Festering.

How do I say Hello?
How do I keep the conversation going?
Are they staring at me because they know I'm not normal?
Can they see my disfigured soul hiding beneath this skin?
This deformed skin...
Do they notice that I am an imposter?
Do they see how I react alien to how they do?
How I second guess each expression?

Words fall from my eyes without allowance.
The connection isn't there.
I stare down.
Drowning them with every glance.
Words fall.
Flooding.
Making oceans of unspoken phrases.
Needs.
They breathe me in.
All the words I've never spoken.
They drown in my delusions.
And run away like mad men.
To a world, I can't seem to be a part of.

Trapped in a mindset of fantasy.
Oil drowns me and dilutes my words.
Taking away who I am.

My words are my life.
But, I cannot speak them.

stay.

four letters that can't take away the pain.
i am nothing but a voice aside from the ones in your head,
the ones telling you how small you are,
whispers in your ear,
they tell you you are worthless,
i tell you you are beautiful.
only you can choose who to believe.

stay.

the day you leave, your best friend will sit alone at the lunch table,
turning to the spot you once sat,
and their eyes will become wells of emptiness
a quiet sadness filling the place that you once were.
your best friend will start fading away, breaking into fragments,
and you have the nerve to leave them alone?
you say, the earth will keep turning,
but your best friend's world is crumbling more every day,
and soon it will fall apart completely.

because of you.

It pushes everyone away.
It ruins all my relationships.

I died at the hands of my thoughts today.

He tells me that he loves me,
He tells me that it’s okay,
But they won’t let me believe it.

is love real?
is happiness real?
is anything real?
because at this rate, it might all just be fake.


in fact,

that’d be better, because then i wouldn’t have to feel this pain.

chills.
shaking.
sweating.
insecure.
normal.
can’t stop thinking.
obsessive.
disorder.
compulsive.
no real problems.
doesn’t care
even though he says he does.
bite back tears.
smile but you can’t.
meaningless noise.
it’s all in your head.
want acceptance.
can’t get it.
all in your head.
can’t face monsters under your bed.
past wounds opening up.
bleed.
don’t like how they look at him.
don’t wanna sleep.
feel imperfect.
wish i was perfect.
small things get to me.
wish i had her body.
wonder if he’d like me more if—





what if—






what could—





why is—






how does—




they don’t—




does he—





i wonder—





not alone.
have someone.
not enough.
greedy *****.
hold internal grudges.
mind can’t get enough.
it feeds of corpses of past feelings.



swallows you up.
try not to cry.
smile and laugh.
talk and eat.





try to swallow it up,
but it eats you alive.
a parasite
destroying you from inside.
if you can acknowledge it’s root,
you will someday understand—



the key to happiness—



it’s right in your hand.







“but









why do i keep losing it, mother?”






“sometimes, you need to get the fog out of your mind.”




“how do i get the fog away?”





“face your problems,



even if it’s to your dismay.”





“but mother, i know this. it seems really easy. could you please stop with these riddles,
and help me find that key?”





“but honey all i’ve got to say is,






some kids have lost the key,




but try to find it on their own.





you are a weakling, as they say.




















stop crying about how hard it is
to live your easy day.”

why do you push everyone away?
why do you hurt everyone?
why do you hurt me?
why do you care so much about what they think?





why can’t i break free?