How it happened I remember
Ten little fingers, ten little toes
Had been growing inside me
Nine months she had to grow

Late she was delivered
By a week and a day
Her great-grandmother’s death
Had opened up the way

Bittersweet were the tears
Softly, quietly they fell
Grandma’s words had kept me
Though unsure, I knew we’d be well

Back home my love is tested
My patience wearing thin
Yet four years after Big Sis
I made the same choice again

Ten more fingers, ten more toes
Did little to help what was broken
All my love and all my time
Is what I gave them as a token

Here now, they were a part of this
A whirlwind of pain and tears
Day in, day out I’m feeling trapped
Hopeful they’d never see my fear

Eventually, having had enough
I packed our bags and fled
Emotionless, conflicted feelings
Inside I already felt myself dead

Months…a year…time passed on
Two ladybugs grew and changed
My heart was cold and deadened
This was SO not the life I arranged

Anger replaced all other emotions
Closed to the world, I drifted away
The pills…a plan…it was all in front of me
It’d be better for them I would say

And in this place my grandma’s words
Sought and reached out to me
There was God in this she claimed
Though where He was I didn’t see

Just then by chance I reached out
To one whose eyes held truth and grace
Not sure what to make of this sudden move
I felt myself far outpaced

Hiding from love
Yet yearning for much more
This new bond had awakened in me
A new future for me to explore

Slowly and carefully we navigated
Finding significance in small gains
Eventually unveiling one another
And pushing through the pain

Twenty-fingers, twenty toes there were
Shy, unsure, and confused
Soon those feelings melted away
They were now confident and amused

Where the rocky shores of hearts once stood
Love’s water had cut a gorge
Roots established, a future ahead
An unconventional family tree was forged

And on one cold and introspective day
When the smell of rain awakened me
My grandmother’s words rang out again
“I told you one day you’d see.”

Chasing a dream flawed from the start
Was not what I was meant to do
Forcing fate, proving points
Doing what I thought I was supposed to do

In all that time what I failed to perceive
Was that it was not for me to choose it—
This family chose ME

How is it so
that you play me
like fine
piano keys
tuned to a melody
that only we
can read
Music so divine
settling in my mind
resting on my soul
a rhythm so bold
and tempting
Your hands
ring my cymbals
as sounds
that resemble
percussion
rock my hips
and a bass guitar
guides my lips
to meet with yours
where we score
a beat unmatched
Is that you
tapping
on my walls
like a flute
notes staccato
and true
as I open
to receive
your
treble clef
accepting
there's nothing
left
but to receive
your striking
baritone
as we both moan
ah, sweet
crescendo

as seasons change
my thoughts rearrange
themselves
and focus upon
a heart un-won
but still beating
slowly retreating
while deciding
whether
there truly is a place
or if all this time
is lost and a waste
pondering
should it move on
rhythmically
creating a bond
and lasting
token
of words not
spoken
but felt
between two
me
you

as green leaves give
way to fall hues
my soul
shuts down and sings
the blues
yearning for a
completion
that is often
promised
but remains
just the same
unrealized
in my eyes
but what do I know
of this thing
we call
"getting to know"
impatience is my
calling card
with pretty much
a disregard
for time and place
and need
for
space

i mean nothing by
it
just my spoiled
adult fit
as brisk cold
winds
will surely
usher in
continued uncertainty
and winter
ponderings
by warm chimneys
where you'll
lie on my breast
and we'll laugh
and jest
at the ranges
my mind
takes
as the
season changes

By the skies of humanity
The endless waves of shame
The concept of artificial sanity
Am I playing only a game?

Straying while staying in the stage with so much stakes on my tray while I train on standing straight.

Breathing in my dreams while dreaming about breathing.

Shuddering at the promising sun cooling my thoughts, warming my body on the idea of a cold winter.

The ashes of my sins sweeping swiftly like world's first snow. I close my eyes, for darkness is the only world I would know.

Opened at last, my tired eyes witnessed the elegant cherry blossom before me.
Strong and proud the flowerpetals fall. Along with my sins, heaps of ashes into a mountain of grey and pink.

By the mother of my generation.
I shall stand by your side.
The epidemic of our nation,
Will hit us all worldwide.

There is no war fiercer, than a war within ourselves.