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Shawn Feb 15
In the stillness of a winter day
Noiseless teardrops make their way
Down the landscape of my face
Like frozen and irregular icicles
They create rivers and lakes
Along my cheeks and around my chin
Where, once separated
Tributaries meet and start their descent
Falling as gently as the miracle of snow surrounding me
They are soundless thunder
As they splash upon the cold ground
Spilling all the secrets of my broken heart…
A silent storm

Lightning images of my past
Illuminate the skyline of my mind
Holding my icy heart prisoner
Gated by hurt, padlocked with pride
The warden of fear controls my every move
My immature self remains hidden away,
Peering through the bars of my jail window
As the rest of the world passes me by
Barely taking notice of my condition
And those who do, avert my eyes
Shake their heads and hurriedly pass
Barely acknowledging
The wasteland of my silent struggle

In this same barren stillness
A voice speaks to me
Behind the darkness of my pain
Touching me…warming me
It illuminates my soul
Thawing a core
That for years now has been cold
And inexplicably, in this vast and lonely place
I reach beyond my fears
To grab hold of its soul-rendering strength--
The blessed peace of but a few words
He speaks to me…

Be still & know.
Shawn Feb 15
How it happened I remember
Ten little fingers, ten little toes
Had been growing inside me
Nine months she had to grow

Late she was delivered
By a week and a day
Her great-grandmother’s death
Had opened up the way

Bittersweet were the tears
Softly, quietly they fell
Grandma’s words had kept me
Though unsure, I knew we’d be well

Back home my love is tested
My patience wearing thin
Yet four years after Big Sis
I made the same choice again

Ten more fingers, ten more toes
Did little to help what was broken
All my love and all my time
Is what I gave them as a token

Here now, they were a part of this
A whirlwind of pain and tears
Day in, day out I’m feeling trapped
Hopeful they’d never see my fear

Eventually, having had enough
I packed our bags and fled
Emotionless, conflicted feelings
Inside I already felt myself dead

Months…a year…time passed on
Two ladybugs grew and changed
My heart was cold and deadened
This was SO not the life I arranged

Anger replaced all other emotions
Closed to the world, I drifted away
The pills…a plan…it was all in front of me
It’d be better for them I would say

And in this place my grandma’s words
Sought and reached out to me
There was God in this she claimed
Though where He was I didn’t see

Just then by chance I reached out
To one whose eyes held truth and grace
Not sure what to make of this sudden move
I felt myself far outpaced

Hiding from love
Yet yearning for much more
This new bond had awakened in me
A new future for me to explore

Slowly and carefully we navigated
Finding significance in small gains
Eventually unveiling one another
And pushing through the pain

Twenty-fingers, twenty toes there were
Shy, unsure, and confused
Soon those feelings melted away
They were now confident and amused

Where the rocky shores of hearts once stood
Love’s water had cut a gorge
Roots established, a future ahead
An unconventional family tree was forged

And on one cold and introspective day
When the smell of rain awakened me
My grandmother’s words rang out again
“I told you one day you’d see.”

Chasing a dream flawed from the start
Was not what I was meant to do
Forcing fate, proving points
Doing what I thought I was supposed to do

In all that time what I failed to perceive
Was that it was not for me to choose it—
This family chose ME
Shawn Feb 15
In my mind there have always been simple premises
*** with no witnesses…Love, always limited.
Words not spoken, leaves hearts unbroken.
I mean really, it would be truly silly
For me to walk that road again, unsure of what was around the bend
In this road of life…no thanks…too much strife.
Instead it’s been mostly easy for me
To bend at the knee
While bearing your weight behind me
Turned away from you, disallowing me to see
The pleasure and pain in your eyes
That no amount of copulation can hide.
Or maybe not wanting you to see that as you take me with you
I shatter into pieces untrue
To myself and my very nature.
In my mind’s eye I know for sure
That there is nothing more pure
Than soft light illuminating the walls of morning
When I wake up, yawning
Stretched out beside my king without a care in the world…
But I digress.
Allowing myself the indulgence of such
Would leave me exposed and open a little too much

Naked.

But something about the way he sees what I don’t show
As if in his own mind’s eye he may know
All the very core secrets of my being
The hurt and pain and pure unraveling
Of my soul
For which I’ve had no control
In months now that have passed
And I’ve simply been content to lend out my ***
No questions asked, no feelings spent
Shoulders down and knees bent
I present myself to him this time
And I feel his fingers slowly run up the back of my legs
Over my behind
And then onto my spine.
He asked me without a moment’s hesitation
To do something which caused deep contemplation
On my personal part and on the part of my heart
Because this wasn’t our deal at the start.
I suppose I should have known this much
Judging from his awesome touch
And the way he often treats my body like a holy place
Marking me with his hands, his lips upon my face
Between these ***** he pauses to sup
Drinking greedily from my coven cup.
There’s no sipping and pinching off small pieces
Oh no…he eases
All of himself into me
Stripping me free….

And naked.

So here I stand
In front of this man
Whose making me for the first time in a long time
Deal with issues of neglect and abandonment all mine
Standing before him I’m not alone
And somehow feel elated to be on this throne
His queen, a place already prepared
As his strong hands grab my ******* and thread through my hair
What I’m feeling is nothing like
The arguments full of spite
I’ve left now far behind
As our tongues wrestle…his with mine.
My prior life feels like a total mystery
Like someone else’s life…not even a part of my history.
Failed nuptials, ill-fated one-night stands
They are all forgotten in the arms of this…
One true man.
He’s not here as my reminder of those things
That can only prove to bring
Unrest and distrust in this present coupling.
Why should I share the hate
Why should I make every topic a debate
A battle royale, with wagers and bets
This new feeling is something beyond the obvious
of ***…

I’m Naked.

My garments are gone, as tears stream down my face
This body wholly consumed and now prostrate
No longer in fear of exposure and waste
Quite totally and fully his
Not just a depository, opening up for what's his
But a true Goddess I’ve become, transformed
No longer satisfied and happy with the norm
Of conformity in life and relationship
Oh hellz no…fug that shid.
I’ve stripped for him and bore it all
And now wait patiently for him to fill these walls
With his life-force, overstanding and supplication
My heart and legs, open for consummation
Of this new marriage and eternal bond
Built on what’s to come, not from whence we’ve come
A true woman, not a girl-child attitude
Yolks more evenly balanced, I’m now glad for a life of servitude
I’ve gladly taken this route emotionally
To trust you, then love you, then touch you
Starting anew…

Naked.
Shawn Dec 2019
Did you miss the WET PAINT sign?
I can tell.
You're covered with the red of my rage
and the blue of my depression.
Some say purple is a royal color.
Too bad the sticky yellow of cowardice
seals your lips.
But the green envy of your eyes tells me
everything I need to know.
Orange you glad that soon these muddled
colors will merge?
And maybe, in the sludgy gray, you'll find me.
Shawn Dec 2019
I am not Shawn
I have ceased to be
And am instead
What you see now
When you see me

I am not Shawn
I am audacity
To speak my mind
To speak my feelings
To speak my truth
Yet ****** by all three

I am not Shawn
I am lunacy
My thoughts and logics
Played down or dismissed
In lieu of the only truth
Allowed to support another's reality

I am not Shawn
I am infidelity
Years ago guilty of this crime
But living today like yesterday
Is the present and
I need reminders of my culpability

I am not Shawn
I am cruelty
A now tolerated trespasser
To peace in a home
Built on hurt pride and offenses
Enumerated and idolized meticulously

I am not Shawn
I am the vocabulary
Of confused words
And claimed miscommunication
On one hand, suggested intelligence
But in conflict only ignorant inadequacy

I am not Shawn
I am expectancy
Placed uncomfortably
Into an imploring posture
As I seek morsels of golden attention
Choosing my words ever so carefully

I am not Shawn
I am a mockery
Whose tears have a faucet
And whose humility
Is reserved for moments
Of game playing and emotional treachery

I am not Shawn
I am mystery
It's suggested I'm harmfully hiding
That which oneness should know & see
When in fact it's the fault of judgment
He too hides within feigned transparency

I am not Shawn
I am fragility
Painted weak
Old and forgetful
Glances at my softening frame
Constant jokes of reverie

I am not Shawn
I am improbability
Haven't consistently grown
In areas of others' choosing
Not my own. Left to get it
Together spiritually, eventually...maybe.

I am not Shawn
I am hypocrisy
For blameless one may live
If the same offense may be found
In the person claiming offense
The mirror not inward facing but outwardly

I am not Shawn
I am an apology
For all the many actions
And faulty statements
Which so quickly offend the same one
Less prone to act just as responsibly

I am not Shawn
I am an enemy
Pushed away
Constantly distanced
An outsider and forced partner
In this abandonment dance and fantasy

I am not Shawn
I am make-believe
Merely an actress given a script
Fashioned of lines another prepares
For me

For I am not Shawn

You have given me a new name...

History
Ever feel like who you are has vanished in the fog of what someone else perceives you to be?
Shawn Dec 2019
How is it so
that you play me
like fine
piano keys
tuned to a melody
that only we
can read
Music so divine
settling in my mind
resting on my soul
a rhythm so bold
and tempting
Your hands
ring my cymbals
as sounds
that resemble
percussion
rock my hips
and a bass guitar
guides my lips
to meet with yours
where we score
a beat unmatched
Is that you
tapping
on my walls
like a flute
notes staccato
and true
as I open
to receive
your
treble clef
accepting
there's nothing
left
but to receive
your striking
baritone
as we both moan
ah, sweet
crescendo
Shawn Dec 2019
as seasons change
my thoughts rearrange
themselves
and focus upon
a heart un-won
but still beating
slowly retreating
while deciding
whether
there truly is a place
or if all this time
is lost and a waste
pondering
should it move on
rhythmically
creating a bond
and lasting
token
of words not
spoken
but felt
between two
me
you

as green leaves give
way to fall hues
my soul
shuts down and sings
the blues
yearning for a
completion
that is often
promised
but remains
just the same
unrealized
in my eyes
but what do I know
of this thing
we call
"getting to know"
impatience is my
calling card
with pretty much
a disregard
for time and place
and need
for
space

i mean nothing by
it
just my spoiled
adult fit
as brisk cold
winds
will surely
usher in
continued uncertainty
and winter
ponderings
by warm chimneys
where you'll
lie on my breast
and we'll laugh
and jest
at the ranges
my mind
takes
as the
season changes
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