How quick to assume
That the bullet I shot was aimed for you Well my dear
Don't step in front of a firefight
You may just get caught in the crossfire

Sleepless nights full of regret
For holding it all in
Waiting for the erosion
Of my mind to begin

My soul wanders aimless
Blind, lost and weak
A beautiful future
Now dark, lonely and bleak

Where do I look for courage
To find my voice
Is it too late?
Do I still have a choice?

Am I destined to be silent?
Nothing more than a mute
Unable to express
And emotionally irresolute

So now I just sit
In a dark corner and sigh
Looking for answers
To the how, when and whys

I hope the answers come soon
On why I don’t speak
Why I can’t express what I feel
And why I feel lonely and weak

Until I find the answers
I’ll just continue to cut
But I will hide my arms well
So nobody sees and thinks I’m a nut.

I'd love to write a poem
but I can't find my words.

I'm insatiable  
I'm also soo fragile
with a uniqueness  all my own,
I am not superficial  and yet the contradiction would be paying bills on time and having material things matters  to me,
I have a vibrant will plus my spirits
strong too,
I love hard and fierce
I have ambitious desires  wants needs and goals,
I'm anxious  and have this deep longing,
an unquenchable thirst  almost obsession  like to express who
I truly am
yet
I'm
frighten ..
I want to be held yet don't always like being touched ,
I want conversation  yet like the peace of  quite,
I want to go out yet being in public scares me sometimes.
Somethings  make me shy even if I've done em  plenty of times,
Sometimes
I wanna eat out instead I'll  cook and then eat in bed,
I no longer wish to be a pet owner but no one will take care my half blind and semi deaf dog like me or any of the other 3
Who
like me have social anxiety,  
I like my independence  
but the
contradiction here is
I also
love being clingy  
I like kissing
yet rarely do and
when I do so I don't give my all, I want to learn knew moves  yet feel I know enough.
  I'm expressionistic; it may not be a word but it's the best way to describe  me
I want rough
***
but doubt I can go for hours
may not even last minutes
I also want to go slow ant take my time
learn something as I've previously  said.
I want gentle strong hands to keep me safe in their protectiveness
Let me be free in my mix of independence  & clingy
Accept  me
my tormented  brokenness
&
all my imperfections
I want to be more than why I am now and like most
I'M scared of changed
the scars
Run Deep
deep into my bones
Borne Into My Soul
meshing and mending into my heart
Even deep groves soaked into my broken pieces
like craving
deep into wood
deeper still to my roots
I want someone else to come do the work and fix me
Heal me
but knowing my journey
would make full grown men
run away  
I face this on my own.
I know I have to fix myself and heal
but who ever said
I'd have to do it
*Alone?

What I wanted to say was " leave me alone. I'm no good for you."
but what came out was " I love you too."

What I needed to say was lost behind a tiny glass screen that was much to easy to break.
What I needed you to see was thousands of miles away and forever emotionally unavailable to you.
What you needed to hear was something I have told you a thousand times before but they say love makes you blind.

And with this, I wondered if maybe I was also blind to the man I loved.
Maybe he had told me just as many times as I had told you.
Maybe he was just a ruthless and heartless as I thought I was being with you and yet here I was doing exactly what you were doing with me but with him.

I bet what he wanted to say was -- " I don't love you and you need to get that through your head."
But what I kept hearing was -- "I'm just not ready right now."

Two hearts separated when misunderstandings took the role
One took the side of expressing guilt by writing poetry,
The other chose the help of silence to bury the emotions