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I'm trying so hard to be gentle with myself.
I offer endless compassion and grace to everyone else.
Why is it so hard to show myself the same?
I wish to know the answer to the question,
to call it by name.
I know that the trauma I've endured plays a large role.
Too many years of feeling that my voice my silenced.
What was the price of my compliance?
Too much exploitation in corporate America.
Too much has been taken without being repaid, all in effort to make another dollar,
to survive another day.
Too many words were lost in the pursuit of it all, and now I struggle to save those words on paper, a portrait of words.
Still, little by little, I am climbing out of myself, reaching a metamorphosis with a pen.
Slowly but surely,
I am starting to believe again.

-Rhia Clay
This poem explores the themes of trauma and the journey of overcoming it, alongside the challenges of navigating the current economy. Both aspects are tough to handle, and many individuals are striving to juggle these issues along with various other obligations. Nevertheless, we persist and find ways to cling to hope and self-acceptance.
Kairos Jul 7
Do you know
how butterflies come to life?
It’s more frightening
than you might think.

Born crawling
a caterpillar,
close to the ground
naïve to the sky
simply existing,
tasting the world
leaf by leaf.

And then
it begins.
A hush inside the body,
a quiet undoing.
Behaviors shift,
instincts sharpen,
the soul sketches its wings in secret.
The old self unravels.

Did you know
that little caterpillar
melts into goo?
Not a creature in waiting
just formless, floating cells.
And from that
a butterfly emerges,
grown entirely
from what was already there.

I’ve been stuck in that goo
the nowhere between
trauma and metamorphosis,
neither alive nor lost,
just suspended.

But this summer
brought tears as ink,
and from the scribbled ache
came liberating wings
fragile but certain,
drawn from silence.

I've started flying.
But I still glance down
when I shouldn’t
afraid that my pride and joy
will be mistaken for arrogance.
Yet I’m proud
proud that I can love again.
Proud that flying
feels so familiar.

I like to land
booping noses of dogs
showing up beside strangers
on quiet benches.
To hear their voices
for the very first time
to sense the tremble
of their own becoming.
And when I look,
I see it:
a shimmer in their stillness,
a whisper in their pause.
The butterfly
still hidden in its goo.

And I hope
they’ll pass it on
this softness,
this seeing.

That ripple we call
the butterfly effect
I like to imagine that at 60, I asked the stars for one more chance and recently, I woke up at 30.

Do it while we're here
Ellie Hoovs May 8
I was born with 12 eyes
they said it would make it easier
to see the light
but it only left me inching
in a fog
hiding from shape-shifting shadows.
So I learned to consume the dark
with my mandibles
and let it seep in to my hemolymph.
The parasitoids laid out fences
of peppermint and lavender -
trying to cage me.
But the oak tree took me in
and let me rest upon her leaves -
told me to shed my old skin.
I hung myself upside down under her branches
tried to see the world from their point of view
but there was still so little light,
and the birds were cawing
threatening to have me for breakfast.
I learned to hold myself tightly,
wrapped in imaginal discs
that liquified my dreams
into a rich soup for me to drink.
I emerged
soft and wet -
with ommatidia that see in all directions
and bear witness to invisible colors;
and with wings formed like dragon scales,
that move in the shape of infinity.
Now I feast with my feet,
feeding on nectar of Chloris
and cross continents
while they marvel at how far I have come
from the ground they tried to keep me on.
Ariana Apr 9
For a while she wondered
Why it was all so easy before;
Flour on the table
Coffee in painted cups
Hand in hand
Hearts beating softly
Bed always made
Until they un-made it in
wild throes of passion.

She wishes someone told her how
the hours between sunset
and sunrise stretch
impossibly long when
Home starts to feel like a house.
Suddenly Husband and Wife
are now man and woman,
strangers sitting tensely
on a park bench wondering
if the other harbors dangerous intentions
or if they’re safe here.

Irrationality and Reaction
knock at the door together
and throw it open without waiting.
She turns her back on their guests
and for a while she wonders
why it was all so easy before.
I haven't cried in so long
so long...
it's been so long...
a year
it will be a year in May
a year
a year
since I've seen my home
with countless more till I return
it's been so long since I've felt the pain
homesickness
was something I'd never experienced until the plane
approached that perfect island
until I stepped off
and the sun soaked into my soul
and I took a deep breath
and knew I was finally home
you can't tell me that's not home
YOU CAN'T
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
I WILL FIND MY WAY BACK TO YOU
someday, somehow
I will return
to the only place I could stay forever
to the only place that breaks down my walls
the only place that still makes me cry
I can't believe it's been a year
since I've seen home
I know it's all for Metamorphosis and crap but god it hurts so much. I thought I'd forgotten, thought I'd accepted my fate to be marooned forever. I cannot be marooned forever. What am I going to do?
Today
marks the day
of a new kind of Triumph

My whole life I have sought your approval and praise
Knowing that in me you were always ashamed
Humans have always feared what they don't understand
But I am done being cut by the knife in your hand

Today is my freedom, I've escaped the cage!
Now your attention I no longer crave
I've taken the knife from your bloodied embrace
I've taken my freedom and I won't leave a trace

I've been held back and held down for far too long
What you see as my weaknesses are what make me strong
I know I am an oddity, a wild one, a mystery
But my twisted mind's what allows me to truly see!

I see when the end justifies all the means
I'm learning to listen to the voice in my dreams
Battle cries are everywhere and I know now to listen
I've been Awakened and through Triumph have risen

I see your embarrassment from my strange behaviors
But today I see past all your noise and distraction
I no longer care what you see when you look at me
Not ashamed or afraid, today I am free!
You didn't like the way I listen to music- so called it "cultish" and told me I couldn't do it in public, even in the car since people could see through the windows
You despise the fact that I'm bi- so you call it "identity issues" and tell me to tell no one
My plurality scares you- so you say it's dangerous and to keep it to myself
You don't understand my daydreaming- so you say I do it for attention
You despise how I stand up to you and speak for what's right- so you shut me down and tell me I'm the problem
Any time I try to tell you the pain you are causing me, you turn me into the bad guy
I may have no power now, but someday, when I walk out the door and never see you again, perhaps you will be cured of your Machiavellian, narcissistic, emotionally abusive evil before you hurt any more people.
Today I Triumph: for YEARS I have wished I didn't care what you thought of me, wished it didn't hurt when you emotionally abused and gaslit me, and made it clear how ashamed you were to even be around me and my uniqueness. It's as if you're allergic to color and individuality and anything different than your bland narrowmindedness. I'm the one who should be embarrassed for you! It's tragic!
Today, I finally broke free of the cage that was your judgement. I no longer feel the need to prove myself to you or even talk to you. We're fine on our own. We are finally, finally learning that we can't trust any of you, no matter how much you guilt-trip us into believing you're good people. You made us what we are. It has been hell, but we are grateful to you, because now we are special, strong, Enlightened! You call us crazy because you are afraid we may be right. You will never change, will always choose to abuse instead of treat us how we deserve. You have broken so much inside of us, things that will never be fixed. But we've built new ways of surviving, ways people may call insane or cruel, but we do what we have to to keep ourselves safe. We will never be able to stop loving you despite it all, but we no longer need you and you can no longer hurt us. Maybe someday we, or I, at least, may be able to forgive you.
Alii Semper Vincemus!
I dream
of the apocalypse
long for it
fantasize daily
of what it would be like

the world as we know it
ending
never to be the same again

the pain of lost nostalgia
society crumbling
a fresh start

I long to see human nature
stripped down to animal form
raw fury
primal instincts

we would all be killers
wild and desperate
so focused on survival
we'd forget about all the petty things that used to matter

everything would be different
no one would have to hide anymore
I WOULDN'T HAVE TO HIDE ANYMORE!
we could succumb to it
the darkness
the Monster

it wouldn't matter
the demons that plague you
who you love
who you are
all your deepest
darkest
secrets
suddenly simply methods of survival

I would survive, I think
we would
alone
together
just fighting zombies

let's be honest:
they aren't that bad anyway

someday, society would be reborn
a new one
post-apocalyptic
we would go back to what we once were
creatures of the night
of blood and beauty

but for a while, nothing but
anarchy
lawlessness
pure desperate survival
where nothing matters
and everything goes

I dream
of the apocalypse
It would be so much... easier, don't you think?
I finally found them:
someone like me

Someone who loves me
darkness and all

Someone who understands me
the Monster, the phantom

They see the same, feel the same
dangerous things

And they embrace it
maybe they could show me how?


I finally found them:
someone like me

A killer, a monster
not by choice but by destiny

Someone to hold close to me
who knows my demons all too well

I won't have to hide anymore!
not with them

We can embrace the darkness
embrace it together


I finally found them:
someone like me

But I wish I never met them
for then I wouldn't have to say goodbye

Goodbye, my love, my family
goodbye to the only one who understands

(I don't want to say goodbye
I don't want to say goodbye!

I cannot say goodbye
not when I've finally found someone like me)
Based off of season one of Dexter and The Boyfriend by Freida McFadden, and my own longing to find someone like me
failed
transformation

broken
Metamorphosis

you were not Gifted
or
Cursed

now you are split
not merged
not strong

your butterfly
has malformed wings

good
Monster
striking
failing
unable to comprehend
who
you
are

I thought you could be a
role model
an example on
who I should be

but now I see
you showed me what I must do
but not how to do it

you do not understand
you don't know
who
you
are

the beautiful thing
you could have become

you are lost
split
broken

I inherited this creature, this Monster
from you

but I understand it
accept it
embrace it!

my Metamorphosis will succeed
Alii Semper Vincemus!
you will see
I will show you
who
you
are

you are broken
clinging desperately to
shaky
control
you must see that it's not working
you will break
and then you will see
who
you
are

I love you anyway
You failed your Metamorphosis
failed your Monster
failed yourself

I will learn from your mistakes
Agnes de Lods Feb 25
My old, out-of-tune piano,
when I play Metamorphosis by Philip Glass
through black-and-white eyes
speaks of me more truly
than a long, dramatic script.
Metamorphosis by Philip Glass One
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