And I keep going back and forth inside my head
Of all the things you said and did
And I wonder if this is what I want again?
Am I just setting myself up for more hurt?
When all I ever wanted from you was tenderness and honesty
But you can't ignore who someone really is
I am blindsided and uncourageous
I want a you who is not you who could never be you the you I made up
The you I loved and love  
Now I understand that you were only ever a ghost
I can't touch I can't reach I can't hold

we started talking less and less
everything became very dead
i held your laugh inside of my head
and your face inside of my chest
i tried to remember how it felt
to feel alive, our tiny moments
where everything was simple and all right
i wanted to call you tonight
i wanted to say i can no longer live my life
i wanted to say, i always held you so dear
even though we haven't spoken in years
through the final tears, i just wanted you to know
that i
loved you from there
to here, all of the spaces in between
forever more

the good nights
used to be tinged
with kisses
and a soft caress
against my back
sending shivers
down throughout my spine
but now you say good night
with silence and
unmoving touches
i'm not too sure
how i became so dull
and unlovable
and cast away
to the colder side
of this bed
it's 5am,
i'm wide awake
this ache kept me awake
as you slept
your arms were in the wrong place
they were supposed to be here, here
holding me and keeping
the slumber less thoughts away

i want more
so much more
of what you cannot offer
nor want to
i want to stay
you make me feel
this calm secure
the tiny pauses
between your breaths
makes me lay here and wonder
if you woke up
and i was dead in bed
would it make any difference?
you can throw my body
into a closet
and go into the kitchen
and make a cup of coffee
for one, not two
i always made you give more
than you wanted to

I ponder your reaction -
Your ****** expression,
The words that would escape your lips
If you don't become dumbfounded,
Your body language,
The tone of your voice -
If you knew that
Your name
Was meant to be in the place
Of the numerous
You's in the love poems,
That my heart and mind
Collaborated on.

A moment which take my breath away,
Her eyes were the blue,
Like a deep ocean, to force me’
To drawn,
Her hair a thick and glossy black,
An adoring hand,
To force to think to hold them’
Forever and ever,
Her face into a level of flawlessness,
That mesmerized the entire moment,
I’d been captivated by the look of her’
From the moment I first saw her,
And I still found my synapses frying’
At that moment.

By: Nida Mahmoed.

Are you with me so you don't have to be alone?
Do you hold me only to feel close to someone?
Do I mean anything besides a temporary bedsheet?
How long until you decide that it's time for a new one?
How long will I be a pillow before I'm no longer comfortable?
How long until I'm alcohol you no longer enjoy?
Or how long until you taste a better cigarette?
How long until I become that song you grow sick of after playing one hundred times?
How long until you say goodbye and forget the color of my eyes?

you were real and lifelike
but you were never actually here
and when i touched you,
i was just touching air
no wonder it always felt so cold
skin deep into my bones
i met you inside of my head
you never actually left
i lied to myself and kept you by my side
the unloving nights when i went to bed with a knife
but your hand never strayed from mine
simply said,
'stay'
yet you could never stay
because you were never here
lived inside of my mind
i wanted you lifelike, touchable, so badly that i
i now know i was merely pretending
you never existed
i wanted you to love that tenderly
you couldn't

And the realest version of me is the one when I am with you,
because there is no need for spiked fences to keep the inside of my mind contained,
there is no need for defense,
you make me defenseless

Between you and me
I will tell you my secret,
I will let you have too
The share of your albatross;
You will have no regrets:
Everything will be
Between you and me.

Do you still remember
How heavenly our rendezvous was?
So serene, surreal and surreptitious;
The shiny moonbeams dancing on your face,
And oh, when they revealed thine eyes,
Their light was more blinding than a midnight sun:
There were a thousand suns in that night,
In that vaulted Universe
Between you and me.

Do the nymphs still visit you
Like they had from the nadir,
In the middle of our flowery bower?
They still chant to you, don't they,
The evangelical eloquence, straight from the Mosai.
And you were Apollo incarnated;
The multitudinous notes ricocheting through every precipice,
In that dark valley of sanguine souls
Between you and me.

Do the sweet breezes still fan your cheeks
As they had on that windless twilit night?
Not a leaf had rustled,
Time had stilled, and so movement:
I could breathe in and feel the air
There was thunder, and lightening
In that still, serene, surreal haunt of stars:
Everything was seething in a soothing turmoil
Between you and me.

Do you remember? Did you feel and behold
The beginning of our world?
It had begun.....

Now you are sleeping under the twilit sky,
The shiny moonbeams dancing on your face;
Now time is stilled:
The seething turmoil is not soothing;
In your dreams, do you see what has passed
Between you and me?

My dreams are crimson:
I cannot lose them with you;
I want to lose them with you;
I must not lose them with you.
Now that you sleep, you
Keep watch over me:
You haunt me; I am
Flooded in my own deluge.
Oh! But the world;
Now you are not here
Who will glorify
Who will sanctify
The infinite infinity
Between you and me?