I think theres a certain level of self hatred that exists.

It’s very specific but its also the worst kind.

It’s a kind where you disliked one thing at first. Normally because your realised that one thing didn’t seem to you as it does on people.

Or because someone pointed out its difference, saw your unease and then turned it against you.

Either way you didn’t always dislike that thing.
You were uneasy and confused.

The more you pondered on it however, the more uneasy you became, then the unease became dislike.

And at dislike you start to notice it without even wanting to. You see something it you zone out and it invades your mind for a brief moment but then it becomes harder and harder to let go of.

Then the dislike became hatred.

Suddenly that thing is all that you think about. Every time that you’re around people it’s all that you see or hear or feel.

If you’re lucky, for a few fleeting moments, you feel something alternative.

You don’t feel the hate the same way, you let yourself believe it’s all in your head, and you see the part of you as it looked before, as it sounded as it felt, and you dare to call it normal and in extraordinary cases

beautiful.

That is until something snatches you by the throat and plunges you face first into the hatred again.
But it’s that specific type of hatred.

You are suffocated by the thoughts of how that part of you shouldn’t exist.

What do I do if it isn’t a part of me though?

What if it’s all of me, all the time, every single ******* moment?

i tie myself to her every blue move
then try to pull out,
unspool,
the knot in myself
so i
follow you both home
then bruise in the black
hide in the bush
you’ve been beating around
write my petty poems
swallow my love
feel the cold creep
the glossy warmth
you hold i now
cradle memory to my
red cheeks
so i
unlatch my tongue
from my loyal teeth
and
let the blood run
into someone else’s mouth
you know I’ve always seen in green

In shadows cast by a weary heart,
Where solitude weaves its subtle art,
I find myself lost in a lonely abyss,
As feelings of neglect persist.

Once cherished, now a distant ghost,
Love's ember fades, it's what I fear most.
In the depths of my soul, a tempest brews,
Aching echoes of a love I can't lose.

Alone, I stand in a crowded room,
Yearning for connection, a shared bloom.
But like a shadow, I'm unseen, unknown,
By the one I hold dear, my heart's cornerstone.

Unwanted whispers linger in the air,
As my pleas for attention become despair.
Silent tears paint a canvas of sorrow,
As I search for solace in the morrow.

Do I not matter, am I just a ghost?
My heart longs for warmth, the love I miss most.
Yet silence engulfs, a bitter refrain,
Leaving me trapped in this ocean of pain.

But amidst the darkness, a flicker remains,
A glimmer of hope that somehow sustains.
I'll reclaim my worth, my spirit will rise,
And spread my wings beneath desolate skies.

For even in solitude, strength is found,
In the depths of my being, a resounding sound.
I'll learn to embrace my own company,
And find solace in the depths of me.

I'll treasure my heart, its worth untold,
And cherish the love I long to unfold.
For though I may feel alone and ignored,
My spirit won't falter, I won't be ignored.

In time, the wounds will surely heal,
And new beginnings will gently reveal.
That love is not confined to one's embrace,
But flows in abundance through life's vast space.

So, I'll rise from the shadows, embrace the light,
Unburdened by darkness, ready to take flight.
For even in solitude, I'll find my own way,
And love's sweet symphony will guide me each day.

Bathed in trauma, poured on you,
Blindly making excuses, I didn't have a clue,
Unintended harm was not my aim,
I swear, from my heart, that's the truth I claim.

Just give me a chance to prove I can change,
Don't turn away, let's break this estrange,
I've learned my lessons, I'm ready to grow,
I can transform, this I truly know.

Lost in the past, flipping photo albums' pages,
Seeking smiles, wondering through the ages,
But now I see the present with fresh eyes,
Fixing what's wrong, no more disguise.

A shared prison, unaware we both dwelled,
Failed to communicate, the stories we withheld,
I tried to speak of demons deep within,
Unaware they held me tight, drowning in their sin.

I plead for a chance, believe I can mend,
Break free from the covers, where the pain won't extend,
Yesterday's weight won't hold us down,
Together we'll rise, wearing courage as our crown.

Glimpsing photos, memories of distant travels,
Questioning why joy seemed to unravel,
But it's not about them, or what they comprehend,
Finding my worth, letting my true self ascend.

Losing my muse, an ache deep within,
Placing you on a pedestal, where love had once been,
Our best memories like a festival's delight,
But I clung too tightly, clouding our sight.

Hurting you, hurting myself, a tangled mess,
I thought I suffered more, but it was just a guess,
Overloaded with clichés, patched on our dark days,
Unaware I was the setup, before the closing phrase.

Keep donning your cape socks, a symbol of strength,
In the end, you shaped me, helping me find my true length

my sister walked in the door
a grim face and no words
i’ve never seen her like this before
she sat beside me, dragging her feet on the cold linoleum the entire way,
three cushions down
and stared blankly at the tv
“i’m really tired”
she says she only got an hour of sleep
i didn’t know what to say
i had seen the news

i could feel the sadness
it poured out of her and sept into anything in its path
i can feel my heart slowly breaking
i don’t think she noticed
she lays down with a blanket
and closes her eyes
she’s not sleeping, but i didn’t know how to help
i had seen the news

i told her
go sleep in my room
go get a snack
go home for a while
but she never listens to me
i just wanted her to be okay
i didn’t really expect this time to be different, after all
i had seen the news

she didn’t sleep
she didn’t eat
she didn’t go home
she just lay there
in silence
for hours
i kept thinking about the news

i worried all day for her
and when she finally went home that night
i still worried for her
i cried for hours
all i wanted was to help her
i didn’t know how to help her
all i knew is that
i had seen the news

Once, I stumbled upon a precious treasure,
Yet foolishly let it slip away.
"Died of a broken heart," a phrase whispered in sorrow.
For years, I withheld my tears,
Working on myself, mending my flaws,
But now, I'm plagued by a curious desire.
Why do I yearn to risk it all again?
To escape from this world, I pen my thoughts,
Childish, perhaps, yet a means to understand,
Not to refute my beliefs, but to observe,
To partake in the purity of love's existence.

What makes it so extraordinary, I wonder?
Caught between stress and the echoes of history,
Love and war entwined in a tangled dance.
Deep into the night, I gaze, seeking comprehension,
Struggling to decipher these unfamiliar emotions.

...
To you, the one who is and will always be,
My soul's companion, the love I crave,
I possess nothing else of value,
So please, handle with care,
This fragile, tattered heart of mine.

Wishing you all the best,
Festus Ikimi.

In this world of constant change, where all things shatter,
Love, too, succumbs to fate, like the falling matter.
From high to low, all rises fall, gravity's hold supreme,
Leaving us to ponder, what's the purpose of this dream?

What's the point, I ask, of embracing love's allure?
Today, you were absent, and my heart felt unsure.
Before my weary eyes, I witnessed a tender sight,
Two souls, enraptured, frolicking in the evening light.

Their joy was evident, as they shared a playful kiss,
A secret world they cherished, a passion they wouldn't dismiss.
But love, they claim, is magic, with hidden tricks concealed,
Give me a single reason to believe this truth revealed.

The art of life, they say, elevates desires and dreams,
Including true love, where nothing's as it seems.
Just like you, dear Akalu, I long for company,
Yet I stand alone, amidst stars, in infinite mystery.

Awaiting a fictional lover, hoping for a guiding hand,
You understand my plight, in this desolate land.
Loneliness engulfs me, a lost soul adrift,
Circling a crush who never notices my existence's gift.

Akalu loko-loko, we both yearn to be complete,
To find a love priceless, with hearts firmly bound, sweet.
Someone to catch us when we stumble and fall,
A companion to withstand gravity's daunting call.

But unlike me, dear Akalu, you bask in the sun's embrace,
Its radiant light ignites you, casting a glowing grace.
My faith, once steadfast, has faltered and waned,
Leaving behind a sorrowful journal, a garden untamed.

i don't live in black and white
i only see through faded gray lenses
a clouded picture of what is reality

a forgettable moment here, a wasted opportunity there
i am surrounded by moments of dulled memories

my emotions are at rest
but they live in my head
dragging me down day by day
eventually i will stumble and fall
and i do not know if i will get up again


i see the world through a polaroid camera
where everything present is also the past
things that are often memorable
just slip through my purple hands

no one understands
why i never had a chance
to feel something, anything

i am treated like a nobody
cause nobody wants to get to know me

do i come off as vile,
hiding my pain and faking my smile?
i'm giving it everything i got
to be what people want
it has led me nowhere except deserted roads
where i'm greeted by that cold familiar friend
the demon that lives within

there is a void from within my chest
cause sacrificial love is dead

i have tried so many times but to no avail
i cannot fill it up with friends
no one cares enough to even give a flying f--k

this emptiness inside, it might just consume me whole
the longer i go deprived, with no one at my side
the stronger it gets, the harder it gets
it feels like i'm merely trying to survive
this hell we call earth

as a child,
i didn't know
i was lonely
but now,
as a woman
sitting in a
quiet room,
i am reminded of
all the monsters
my mind created
to distract me
when i was
all alone